Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Thank you, kk and holdingon!

Yes, kk that is what i was asking about. quoting text and pasting into a post I'm writing. I'm not very well-versed in computer technology. Hope your weekend is good. I'll be thinking of you and saying prayers.

Holdingon - It made me smile to hear you will miss me. I'll miss you too. I really get alot out of this bb - spiritual encouragement, guidance, smiles, and I continue to learn so much from all of you wonderful, brave people! I have a few days off from work and don't have a computer at home. Hang in there, Holdingon. You are inspirational to so many. I will keep you in my prayers.

I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone when I get back.

[kml]

If you are in Internet Explorer, just highlight the text you want (by clicking the left button on your mouse and dragging it across the text) then click on "edit" on your toolbar above and click "copy" - then go to your new document, put the cursor where you want to insert the text, and go back to "edit" on the toolbar and click paste.

Voila!

Ellie

[Dagny]

Mockers,

Hope you enjoyed your days off! Thinking of you. Where do you buy the peppermint foot lotion? I'm going to need it with my daily walks about the block (my little goal for the week)

Jackie

[mockers2]

Good morning, everyone!

Hope you all are doing well today. I've been thinking of all of you and you are in my prayers daily.

Thank you, Ellie for the help with copying text! Now, we'll see if I can actually get it to work!

Hi Jackie! I'm looking forward to getting caught up with you. I've been thinking of you and your family. I get the peppermint foot lotion at walmart - I have tried several different brands and like the Dr. Scholl's best! Good for you to be walking every day!

Got to go to work now. Work is pretty busy for the next two days, but I hope to be able to post and read at least a little bit.

[optimist]

Welcome back!

[mockers2]

Thank you, Optimist for stopping by! I hope you areoing well. I am looking forward to hearing how things are going with you.

A little time to post now ~

Update: H and I had 4 days together with the children at school. We have just about gotten the garage cleaned out, which is something we've both been wanting to do for forever. Things have been going well with lots of laughing. In the cleaning out, we found alot of things that made us smile. There were some things I started to show him, but then hesitated b/c they had to do with our early R, which I wasn't sure it was OK to bring up. One of the things my H found was a poem that he handed to me saying "I like this." I brought it in to work today to retype it, but wanted to share it with you b/c I thought it might be helpful. If only I had seem it before the bomb.


Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen.
Not talk or do, just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 35 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious, and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.

It felt good for H to share this with me, and I also felt like this is an important issue for him to point it out to me. So, goals for me after reading this:
1. Listen/no interrupting/validate after he's finished talking. (This is one of my original goals, but also one I need to hear/read over and over again.)
2. No trying to convince him he shouldn't feel XXX.
3. No trying to fix.
4. Continue to give him the space he needs to think through his feelings.
5. Allow him to come to me in his own time to discuss thoughts/ideas about the R or what has happened leading up to the bomb and since the bomb.
6. Continue to see him with empathy - as someone who is hurting confused. To try and view the S/the A in this light. May help with some of my anger and may help me in forgiving H and the others who have hurt me during this time.


Once while going through all the stuff in the garage, I asked H what he thought about an item - whether to keep it or donate it. He indicated that he didn't care for the item, but did it in a way that wasn't the nicest. I said (yes without thinking first , and before running it through the filter) that he didn't have to be cold about it. H said he "was just being honest" in a tone that reminded me of his attitude post-bomb (I could feel this pushing my buttons). I immediately said (calmly and without anger ), "I think you can be honest without being cruel." H came over to me, hugged me and said he was sorry that he didn't mean to be unkind. This is a minor interaction, but I think it's important for several reasons:
1. I let something slip through without thinking first . (I know that this is going to happen, but I'm afraid I'm going to really screw things up if I'm not more careful.)
2. I responded in an even tone of voice, without seeming angry, so my H new I was bothered some by what he had said, but I controlled myself. This is good because me having angry outbursts was one of the things my H listed as "one of the things I don't like about you." I was also happy because responding this way seemed to come more naturally. I didn't have to tell myself to speak softly, etc. Progress, maybe?
3. H seemed to listen to my point of view. His response to me seems different. (In the past he has often seemed rigid in his belief that his view is the correct view.)
4. H treated me tenderly.

I'm struggling because I don't want to overanalyze everything we say and do, but it seems easy to slip back into our old ways/patterns of relating to each other, especially when some things seem so similar to pre-bomb times. I know I need to stay vigilant, but I don't want to be watching so closely and dissecting everything so much that I miss the joy. How do I live without feeling like I'm walking a tightrope (sp?) for the rest of my life? Maybe it wil get easier with more practice.

Positives:
1. H and I looked at the bills/finances together . H initiated a talk of how to handle the bills - we have different styles of documenting/paying, etc. - and H said "I will commit to working on the bills together every month." I know he was talking about the bills, but to hear him use that word made me happy.
2. H has said the blessing with me and the children several times.
3. H seems to be handling the trying times with the children with more patience. He seems less stressed and angry overall.

My next goal is to take another look at my goals and compile the lists I have.

Tonight my mom is coming over to bring us dinner. I am a little nervous in that she and I have had a bumpy R for a while, adn this has caused strin in my R with my H. (A little context: My mom is mentally ill, with multiple suicide attempts, which until the last......gosh, three years or so I haven't handled well.) My mother has also in the past been critical of my H (behind his back). Please say prayers that things will go well. I would appreciate this very much.

Thank you all for your posts. Your kindness,encouragement and wonderful example help tremendously. Please know I keep you and your families in my thoughts and prayers every day.

[holdingon]

Awesome, awesome post. I am stealing your goals regarding communicating with H. I am so lousy with this!!!

[Dagny]

Mockers, that is fabulous! The listen poem is so true, I think we all are guilty to doing that to husbands, friends, kids..things to remember in all conversations.

I think you are right in that it will take time to change the old habits. To check angry outbursts and discover new ways to get your feelings across, and probably in a much more productive manner than before. Once it becomes second nature, it won't be so much of an effort. Probably the same concept as eating healthy....a pain when you begin, but second nature once you get the hang of it (or so I've read, right now Halloween treats seem to make three square meals for me!)

It will so be worth it to make the changes, and his behavior will reflect upon those changes. Good luck with your mom. And thanks for the visits over on my thread. A long road to go for me, but you provide inspiration.

Jackie

[mockers2]

Good morning, everyone ~

Thank you Jackie. It means so much to me to hear your thoughts. You are right about the poem applying to all R's. It will take time to change the old patterns. Just recognizing them is a start, I guess. Thank you for the encouragement.

I know what you mean about Halloween treats - they are all over the place here at work, and I eat them constantly. I've really got to watch that! I'm already starting to gain weight.

Update: Last night was a little rough. My mom brought the dinner, but didn't stay b/c she wasn't feeling well. (It breaks my heart to see her this way.) So, I guess I was feeling a bit sad about my mom, but felt like I needed to keep up the happy, happy, happy routine (a girlfriend probably wouldn't be crying about her mom's declining health). Anyway, this is basically it: the children were tired and there were several tantrums, refusal to eat dinner, etc. Our oldest seems to direct alot of her anger at me - "Go away, Mommy! Leave me alone!" H said at one point, "Maybe two [kids] is enough." This after he was ready to start trying to have another one when he got home from working out of town. I let this go, which is somewhat of a 180 for me. (I would have latched on to this and asked a million questions before....do you really not want any more kids, are you unhappy here, blah, blah, blah.)After that we were OK for a while, them a rough time getting them ready for bed, and H and I had a disagreement about putting one of the kids in time out. I apologized for "not handling it the right way" - (yikes! more of the same! ). H seemed irritated, and then withdrew a little (more of the same). He did ask if I was OK, and I asked if he was OK. He went to bed early. I started to spiral, but was able to stop this. I cleaned up a bit then went to bed. This AM I acted as if things were fine (a 180), and things went well.

Overall it went well, but I just feel like I'm so close to screwing things up. One slip up and I'm afraid he'll leave again.

Positives:
1. H said good job on the kitchen.
2. H told me I looked nice this morning.
3. H put his are around me as we walked to the car.

Hoping to read some more on your threads today. Thank you for reading my thread and for your input and your prayers. It means so much to me and helps keep me focused.

[imalright]

mockers,

Great poem! Reminds me to stop and zip my lip instead of jumping to conclusions. Also made me realize I have a long way to go to improve myself!LOL

I see everyone is listing their positives! Good job! And I'm proud of you, for doing 180's and learning to do something different. It is awesome isn't it! I'm learning to do this to, and it almost makes me want to scream, but I don't of course!

Keep up the good work!

Deb