Letting the shoreline go

[holdingon]

You are not going to screw your kids up. You are doing a wonderful job with them. I don't think teaching your daughter empathy is something bad. Maybe you should just ignore her behavior, that might be the next step. I know when my son was little he said G-D---M it about every 5 seconds and until I ignored him he would not stop!! Very embarrassing in the grocery store!!

Don't say anything about the driving. He's heard it. He knows. It will just be construed as nagging. He's an adult, if he drinks and drives it is his problem. You cannot control him staying out late either, just like you could not control when he came home. If he calls, tell him how thoughtful he is. If he comes home reasonable, tell him how great that is, too. He was already being thoughtful by asking which day was better for you.

Step back, take a breath and follow the advice you would give me... your H is HOME and he loves YOU.

[mockers2]

Thank you, Holdingon. I really appreciate your input here. I think you're right. As I was walking back downstairs to work, I thought - when in doubt - keep your mouth shut. I think anything that feels like things felt in the months just pre-bomb is giving me the willies and sending me into a spin. Got to get better at putting on the breaks. I'm not trying to be whiny. I am so thankful he is home. Just feeling like all the little details are so crucial right now. Thanks again for listening.

[kml]

Get a sitter for the night and go out with a girlfriend.

Ellie

[optimist]

Perfect idea, Ellie!

[Dagny]

Mockers,

The rush of emotions during this time can be un-nerving, things that seemed second nature before now all seem to need weighed and measured for the best outcome.

Probably the evening out has occurred. Hope he came home at a reasonable hour and saved you that agnoizing.

As for your d, I like what holdingon said, ignore the behavior. It is probably typical for her to continue to seek reassurance that daddy is around and wants to help her. If she is in her pissy mood and wants him, continue with your act if, Okay, here's Daddy to help you and then go do something on your own. Back when H and I were happy--we always called it the PP--preferred parent, one of us would be one day and the other the next. Never bothered me then, as I was secure in our family situation. So maybe she is making up for all those days when she didn't get to choose who her PP would be, it was always you. Can you find something small to do with the time that H is busy with the child rearing stuff. It isn't easy, I know, but all the wise ones who have gone before us say they will eventually come around and feel secure again.

Jackie

[mockers2]

Good morning ~

Thank you Ellie, Opt and Jackie.

Ellie - what a great idea! I will keep it in mind for when $$ is a little less tight. H is still jumping through the hoops to be able to begin working again, so we're running behind this month. I have slowly started doing more things for me (belong to a girl's night out group - we take turns hosting at our homes, and sometimes go out). I have realized that no time for me = burnout, so this has to be a part of my schedule. Thank you for the reminder. Until recently, it never occured to me to get a sitter so I could go out. I had always reserved that for me and H to go out.

Optimist - thank you for visiting. I'm looking forward to seeing how things are going on your thread.

Jackie - Thank you, again for sticking with me. You are right about the rush of emotions - through this whole process - making a person unsteady, questioning every little step. I'm not sure how much of this has ever felt like second nature to me. Looking back, alot of the time in our R, I have been fearful. About just about anything you could think of. Pathetic. This is one area I am really working on. I'm tired of living this way - for me, not just for our R.

I tried what you and Holdingon suggested last night, and it seemed to work pretty well. H and our oldest child were sitting on the couch watching Lion King. I asked if I could sit with them. D said no. I went and sat on the other couch. I about two minutes, D came and got me to sit with them. Thank you for the idea. This will just take time, just like everything else.

H will go out with his friend tonight. So we'll see. I'm planning to be all smiles and keep my big mouth shut and have a good night with the children. Just hope he doesn't stay out late (makes me sick to think about it! )

Positives:
1. H was very tired and went to bed early. I was OK with it (didn't spiral into negative thoughts) and got alot of laundry done.
2. H and I had a good conversation this AM about $$. (A source of stress right now.)
3. I called H to say ILY and have a good day, and he seemed to be pleased.

Here's a good quote I found (salvaged form the great garage clean out):

Attitude

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people say or do. It is more important than apperance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is to play the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you....We are in charge of our attitudes.

Charles Swindoll

Thining of all of you and keeping you in my prayers. Thank you for posting here. I appreciate it very much.

[mockers2]

Here's another one from The Tao of Pooh:

According to Lao-tse, the more man interfered with the natural balance produced and governed by the universal laws, the further away the harmony retreated into the distance. The more forcing, the more trouble.(Emphasis mine.) Whether heavy or light, wet or dry, fast or slow, everything had its own nature already within it, which could not be violated without causing difficulties. When abstract and arbitrary rules were imposed from the outside, struggle was inevitable. Only then did life become sour.

This struck a cord with me a coulple of months before the bomb. I even included it in a letter to my H. Just a reminder to me to let him be himself. He needs time alone (so do I! ). If he's in a bad mood or seems down, it doesn't necessarily mean he's upset with me. "I'm really tired." probably means I'm really tired.


Just some reminders for me.

[Dagny]

Mockers--good reminders for all of us. I suspect there is a bit of the egocentric in all of us--we can fix things, make things better, know the right way of doing things, that we need to let go and be open to other peoples' way of doing things and it isn't all about us! Now, if only the aliens would get that! In time, right?

Jackie

[mockers2]

Thank you, Jackie. I really appreciate your posts. I agree it would be great for the aliens to see that it isn't all about them. I think in time yours will.

Yesterday was interesting. H and I spent some time together before getting the children. H brought up the subject again about having a third child. We had a good talk, including me crying (couldn't help it) when talking about our oldest child and what's been going on with her. I have several concerns about having another child (although I have always wanted several) at this time - $$, the effect it would have on our other two, etc. I voiced most of these concerns to H, but held one (?the main one?) back - that I'm afraid to have another child and have him leave again. I'm afraid of what the stress of having another child would do to our M. If we decide to start trying, we would begin early next fall, so we have some time.

The other side of this is that I'm 37 and don't want to wait too much longer b/c of the increased risks of being older and pregnant.

I feel like I'm really uncertain here as far as what's "OK" to say and what's not. I know the answer is not to keep all my thoughts/feelings to myself for the rest of our lives, but saying "I'm worried you'll leave again," seems like R talk to me, which I've been avoiding.

H really wants to start trying in about three months. He even called me this AM to ask if I'd taken my OCP. It makes me so happy to hear that H wants another child, but I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better to wait until we have a little more solid time together before adding this type of a stressor to the R.

I am praying about this and would appreciate your prayers as well. I felt pretty peaceful about the idea of having another baby this AM - a sign? or maybe I'm just too tired to be so scared?

Positives:
1. Oldest child spontaneously said ILY to me this AM. (Not related to my M, but still a positive!)
2. H wants to have another baby.
3. H did stay out until midnight, but I didn't even wake up to worry until he came home. When he did come home, he was sweet - told me what they talked about, etc.


Hope all of you are doing well today. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.


An exerpt from my devotional this AM:

We need to simply understand that with the Lord there is always enough......and the gospel makes clear that whatever the level of distress, where the Lord is allowed to be present there is always enough.

Scripture: Matthew 15:29-39 (loaves and fishes)

From Forward Day by Day/Forward Movement Publications Nov and Dec 2003, Jan 2004

[mockers2]

My Cainer forcast for today - I think it applies to everyone here (((((All of you)))))


What you are currently trying to accomplish is something very difficult or complicated. Many other highly capable people, faced with a challenge such as yours, would turn it down flat or find the nearest stop-gap solution, apply it rapidly and then just hope for the best. Are you crazy then, to be setting yourself such a high standard? No - not crazy. Brave. What you are aiming for is not impossible, but it is tricky. Don't be mad that it is taking so long. Be glad that it is happening at all. And go gently.