Letting the shoreline go

[grislen]

Mockers,

I have had the same issue. My W wants another child. My suggestion would be to wait tell things are on solid ground. For me it kind of seems that some spouses seem to want this as a way to fix things. So be very careful with it.

Lee

[mockers2]

Thank you, Lee. I actually thought of you yesterday when this came up. I thought I remembered you mentioning this.

I asked my H a while back, when he first brought up the subject, if he thought he would be happy if we decided to/weren't able to have another baby. He said yes. I also asked him, I think, if he thought he wanted to have another child to keep our minds off things (kind of a round about way of asking him), and he said no. He keeps bringing up the fact that we'll be 70 when they're 30, etc. Keeps reminding me that he'll be 40 in two years. (This makes me worry about another MLC .) Part of my delimma is whether or not to voice my concerns to him. I don't like feeling like I have to weigh and measure everything I say and do so carefully.

Hope you and your family are doing well. Thank you for visiting me. Take care ~

[Mfl]

Hi Mockers

I've nothing really to add to all the great advice you are getting here but just wanted to stop by and say hello.

Thanks so much for stopping by my thread and posting support and comfort during my "bad mommy crisis" I feel much better today and the little one is also a little better.

I can see you are having your own hard time with your D3 right now. I don't have experience of this yet but S1 has tantrums and hits me sometimes but never does it when daddy comes round (or when anybody else is there ). I figure that it is because I am always there and he knows I will not go away or leave him whatever he does, but with everybody else he acts like an angel so they will stay. The more sure of someone he becomes the more likely that he will show them his frustration occasionally.

[Dagny]

Mockers,

This is just my opinion, so weigh it against what your gut tells you, but I think it is time to have a serious talk and voice your concerns, all of them. Having another child is big and if he has any doubts in his mind about the M, this is the time to find them out. I can only imagine what it would be like to be pregnant and be wondering if he was going to fall back into MLC mode. I also understand the concerns of age, and computing how old we'd be when they graduate college.

Whether to have the conversation now or in a few weeks, I don't know, but he seems anxious to get started on child #3. Now, I think that is a great sign, he doesn't sound like someone who would want another child yet be on the fence about the R, but, perhaps I'm projecting my own fears onto you, I would want to be rock solid in knowing that these things are fixed, that the reasons he felt he needed to leave before have all been addressed and resolved.

Would he do retrouvaille? It sounds like a great communication type weekend. Possibly an opportunity to bring all this up within the safety net of having group guidance in how to do it? Present it to him, as I'm excited to have a third child, yet for my own peace of mind I'd like to do this weekend to make sure there aren't any unresolved issues between us that we might not even recognize?

Good luck, and I think this is great insight into his mind, that he is seeing you guys as a family when you are 70 and are surrounded by grandchildren.

Jackie

[mockers2]

Thank you, Yanni and Jackie.

Yanni - I think you are right about our children feeling secure enough with us to show us everything. They are such persective little creatures - even when they're so small. This thought had occurred to me, but I wasn't focusing on it like I should have been. Our younger child is starting to do it too now - copying big sister. I'm trying to stay calm and say matter-of-factly that what they're saying hurts my feelings. We'll see how that goes. Thank you so much for visiting my thread. I'm glad to hear you and your little one are feeling better. Hang in there. You are doing a wonderful job in every area.

Jackie - I wish I had 1/10 of your clarity. You have written everthing out so clearly, when I get up enough courage to talk to H about this, I'm going to memorize what you wrote and say that. You put everything so well. I know he and I have to talk about this. The question is when to do it. We're into the holidays, then our anniversary (and the anniversary of the bomb ) and our older child's birthday is in January; our younger child's birthday is in February. I'm so scared to bring anything about the S, the bomb, our pre-bomb issues up, and this is not good. It makes me cry just to think about talking to him about all of it. You are right, though, I have to. This is what my gut tells me too. What my fearful self wants to do is to not alk about anything, ot get pregnant yet and just roll along, but this is basically sticking my head in the sand, and not the right or brave or faithful thing to do.

The idea of Retrovaille is great! We were registered for a weekend 4/03, but didn't go b/c he didn't feel "even a spark for me" and told me about the OP instead. That might be a really good approach at this point, though. Thank you for that great idea. He, at the time of the bomb, was questioning his religious beliefs as well , and when he went to our priest for support, just after he moved out, the priest wasn't helpful at all (He betrayed both of us, actually, which is a whole other issue.)

I know we have to have this conversation, but the thought of H saying anything along the lines of I'm not sure, I can't guarantee anything, etc. just scares the h#ll out of me. Plus, I worry that no matter how he feels right now, he could get to that place again with the stress of another child. Something to really pray about. Thank you so much for your faithful support of me! I appreciate it more than you can know.

Positives:
1. H said to me last night, "We do have fun, don't we?"
2. H was supportive of me this AM when I was frustrated that we were running late. I also managed to calm myself down without having an outburst (someold dogs can learn new tricks - just need to be consistant with this one.)
3. H opened the car door for me this AM.

Thinking of all of you and saying prayers.

[mockers2]

Good morning ~

Positives:
1. H called me a nick name he called me when we first started seeing each other.
2. H said he'd miss me this w/e (he's gone out of town until early next week.)
3. We talked again about finances and didn't get into an argument.

Thinking of all of you and keeping you in my prayers.

[Dagny]

Me, have clarity? I think you have me confused with someone else!

If he isn't pressing the baby talk, I'd keep buidling on the great list of positives. Keep having fun and enjoying each other, but be prepared for the baby talk and what you need to say. If he brings it up, can you stall? I really want to talk about this and begin trying after....and give him your list of events you want to get through before you become scatter-brained and pregnant. Stall the serious talk for now, if that is what your gut tells you. Have some fun!

Peppermint foot lotion is on the errand list today!

Jackie

[optimist]

Go slowly, Mockers. When H came back home, we had a 'honeymoon' period of about a month in which we did not touch the R thing at all. We just dated and enjoyed our D. At first I did not even feel like doing the R talks! Eventually, old issues started resurfacing but by then he was more relaxed and took the talks in a much more positive way.

As I told you before, Retrouvaille is a great idea, but only if he really wishes to go, not if he goes to take you off his back. Men!

The one thing you do want to talk to him about is your fears about having another child. He may think that you just do not want another child with him (I know it is stupid, but remember he probably feels guilty and insecure). So if he knows that you'd like to but would want to be in a bit of a more secure footing he'll understand and give you time.

As for the age thing: I am in your boat. But I'd love to have another child (I decided when we were separated that I would want another even if I had to bring him/her up after D: my H would be a good Dad). My view however is that things happen for a reason... and when they have to happen.

Have a nice day!

[mockers2]

Thank you Jackie and Optimist.

Jackie - I think you make things crystal clear! From where I sit, things seem all muddled and confusing. The "rules" were more clear to me right after the bomb. This part seems less black and white, and it's harder for me to figure out what's right to do and what's not.

H is bringing up the baby issue every day. I did a bad thing several days ago - I snooped and read something that really has me worried. (I know, I know - everyone line up with the 2x4's. I am ashamed of myself already.)I'm having fears of can I really trust him, etc. Probably because I snooped.

We'll probably have to have the baby talk as soon as he gets home, so I'm praying about it and writing things down, so I'll hopefully do a good job. I did tell him today that I do want another baby, and that we can talk about it some more when he gets home. I would stall if I could - maybe that will still work. I just don't want to bring up anything that might be tough to deal with - I'm a chicken.

Good for you on getting peppermint foot lotion - you'll love it.

Thank you Optimist. I want to be dating and enjoying each other. I think that H will continue to bring it up until we have the talk. Hopefully it will go well. I'm so scared of screwing things up.

I also said something today that may have hurt his feelings. What is wrong with me???? I let him know it wasn't directed at him, and he seemed to understand.

Sorry for the negative post. Hope you are all well. I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

[grislen]

Mockers,

I would suggest being as truthful with your H about the baby thing as you can with out directing any issues right at him. Just remeber breath in and out and stay calm.

Lee