Stage 5, Acceptance, III, well, uh...

[faithisbelieving]

A counselor's note to me:

There is one other possibility with XXX: The whole thing with the abuse was a big dramafest and when she grew bored with the drama she regained perspective. I can't tell if that is the reason, but it's something to consider. In any case, it's a dirty shame that so much abuse and self-abuse had to occur before she started acting human again. Incidentally, your leadership role and doing things like telling her to dress appropriately around the children is part of what brought her out of it. Keep it up.

No, you did not fail by filing. You acknowledged reality by filing. There's a difference. You found out that you are tied to a woman unworthy of your attention by virtue of her utter lack of character, lack of self-respect and self-love and subsequent self-destructive behavior patterns. You can lead a woman to the place where she might be able to find some of those things, but not all of them, and apparently once you led her there she didn't have the strength of character to see her mistakes and "drink". As unpleasant as it was, she left you no choice. There is a small chance that she might grow up and find a love for life and herself that allows her to love and be loved, but all that she is expressing and demonstrating right now is need, and she is nothing more than a parasitic dependent. It is OK to watch for signs of change, as women sometimes do straighten up after going through the trauma and such of a family break up, but do NOT wait or hope for change.

It is one of those things that is possible, rarely seen, and therefore unlikely. The way you describe her going immediately to school with help from her mom also betrays a serious lack of commitment and character, by the way. So you're more perceptive than you think

I know this response may not sit well with most, but, I prefer to keep things 'reality-based' for now.

FIB

[4kids]

You are too kind, and then you get upset at her for being such a nice guy.

The root of upset is not kindness. I see him trying to take a higher road. But in kindness you cannot expect ANYTHING in return. The expectation is what breeds bitterness, not a kind heart.

So FIB, take a look at why you are folding(or anything else you are doing 'for' her) and if it comes with an expectation of reciprocation, I agree with J3B - don't do it. But if you want to honestly take the high road, that's awesome, just be realistic with what your expectations are for doing the act.

N.

[Kalni]

Hi FIB,
thanks for posting to me. I have been following your sitch but dont have much to say that hasnt been said already...
Protect yourself, your kids, your psyche (spelling?). That's all you can do. And take the first exit out as soon as possible.
Stay strong
K

PS You would have to be "superhuman" or dead NOT to feel anger...

[faithisbelieving]

Thanks Kalni and N...still here.

My next court date is 4/23. As most know, the holdup is the financial appraisal of my practice. Every time I think they are done, they ask for more papers....more account information..more bank statements. They cannot move forward with custody until the appraisal is done. I think...I HOPE..that this week it will be. Otherwise, it's another 1 - 1 1/2 months til the next date.

I look at the positives. Each delay is another few weeks that I get to see my kids on a daily basis. Of course, the irony is, I am locked in here with her. Lazarus, on Star Trek.

I gave my W a piece of paper listing 2 counselors I called and liked and asking her to call them and see if she approves. Writing, still, is better than trying to converse with her. I hand wrote it this time to make it seem less 'legal induced'.

As you can tell from the quote above, XXX has actually called me twice in the last 2 weeks with....hmmmmm.....I guess the best way to describe it is.....'dialog'. Either going with the kids to here...or...can you watch them at a certain time.

OK...are ya ready: BABYSTEPS!!!!!LOLOLOLOLOL. But...NOT towards RECONCILIATION......towards.......LESS ANGER.

Yes...THAT'S IT....BABYSTEPS TOWARDS LESS ANGER. ROFLMAO

This Saturday is my 10 year wedding anniversary.
Next month is three years post-bomb.
Two weeks my D5 becomes D6.

Milestones of sorts.

FIB

PS....I could do a whole post on the 10 year thing....our past hopes, dreams, plans that we had for it...but...I won't. It serves no purpose.

Strength and honor.

[4kids]

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.

N

[faithisbelieving]

I start this post ...at court..as usual. The lake stands outside reflecting the sun, surrounded by the blooms of yellow forsythia. It belies the pain and anguish that lies within this building.

I'm good today. As is typical, both parents of XXX are here standing by the elevator. I walk by steadily, head up. I used to sit nearby. I choose to walk further down and sit in a small cul-de-sac. I read or do a crossword puzzle. I choose not to watch their laughing, nonchalance etc as if what is happening to our children means nothing.

I used to be very intimidated to come here. No more. It's a pain but I will do what I need to to survive this and keep going for the kids.

At times I feel great inner power in moving forward. At other times I feel like a deer caught in the headlights..wondering how I got here and soon to be hit by a freight train.

I'm OK. I even think I am ready to date when this winds down more.

Well, if the appraisal of my practice is done, the bigstuff begins. FIB

[Kalni]

Good Luck today,
keep a vision in your head of how you want your life to be down the road and focus on that while waiting. Whatever you go through now, in there, the next few months, brings you closer to that. Make the picture as "perfect" as it can be, smile at the thought of it. Try to "feel" how it will feel. Protect your self.
xxx
K

[faithisbelieving]

The appraisal is still not done. June 9th is the next court date. Today was a wash. My G-d. Autumn?

FIB

[faithisbelieving]

Preparing a new thread if this closes:
Keel-hauled but more time with my kids

FIB

[dl443322]

Oh FIB, this is really getting ridiculous. It's like a cruel joke.

There is no reason why you shouldnt walk with your head held high.

Fib, I know how difficult this is for you. My heart is breaking for my son who is stuggling so much. I could not imagine going through this with young children.

You know, children really dont need much. They need to know they are loved and accepted and safe. They need to know that they have someone they could come to when they are in trouble or need to talk. They need to have someone who is always on their side no matter what and that they could make mistakes and still be loved. So, I know your children are going to be ok. Here's why - you.

Just try to get through this. It is a finite amount of time. Then take it slow and begin your new life. Do not try to think of everything all at once. Take it step by step. Day by day.

You always said something to me and I really believed it when you did - "You are going to be ok." (and so are your children) - I just know it.

Hang in there, my friend.