I read some of the reviews of the book.. is it too simplified for the place where we are?
You'll have to decide for yourself, HJR. I've got a bookshelf full of relationship and sex books, and yet John Gray's Mars/Venus book is still one of my favorites, and a great "starter" book for this area.
You can dig deeper and get more complicated with other books later on.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I think i have been more the passionate one or at least started out that way.. and he was the even keeled one.. he always made me feel that things would be ok.. no matter how stressed out I got.. Then i dont know what happened to me.. but now i feel like the passionate part is back.. not just sex.. One of the reasons i dont want back on the meds is because i feel like I am actually having feelings again after all these years..
YEs they are gut wrenching sad feelings.. but feelings none the less..I would rather be sad and know i was alive than "ok" and be emotionally dead..
He just called me and asked me what people were saying on here..lol..i told him he could come on but he felt it would intrude on my ability to talk openly..which i agree it would..
We both agree that we are at the bottom.. we dont even know in which direction to take the first step..
I told him that its either we try or we quit.. and Im not ready to quit.. so that leaves trying..that is the best I can do.
Dancing Queen;
the urge to get back on the website, is still there.. not as strong..but there.. I feel myself grasping for anything to make myself feel better and i cant do that anymore so I am at a bit of a loss. So i go to the gym for 2 hours a day and wear myself out, ( which I desperately need to do) and then come home and spend my after noon crying and posting on here..
I do feel better now that we have both admitted we are not happy.. it almost feels like a weight has lifted..It was much harder to think that he was perfectly happy and I was the one unsatisfied.. I know that is warped thinking. but it makes me feel better to know that I was not the only one unsatisfied w/ our marraige..like it wasnt all in my head or something...
i know all we can do is try and I keep telling myself that and him.. but how will i know if it is working? It will be so uncomfortable and hard.. how will i know?
Bagheera: How do we know if our counselor is "pro marraige".. lol.. she hasnt said much its been mostly us airing our laundry..
I have a feeling my individual counselor is not pro marraige.. but then again all she hears is how unhappy i am.. so she encourages me in the direction of making myself happy.. She is the one who pushed me back into school.. she says its imparitive I start doing things for myself..and i agree..she said the rest will fall in place on its own.. once i start to feel better.. one way or the other..
Yes.. i told him i found a place for people going through similar things.. a divorce help forum...
I wouldnt really care if he came on.. but it would be wierd.. b/c i would be reading his stuff and he would mine..not that i am hiding anything.. but i hash out ideas here.. i think it would be wierd..
If he gets curious, so be it. he has already gotten into all my other stuff.. I told him i was on here incase he got curious and checked my history on my computer..
Im not hiding it from him...i just think we could not openly work through our own feelings w/ the thought of the other reading all of our stuff..maybe i am wrong..
I think it would be greatly beneficial for him.. but maybe another site would work better..
Every morning i get up .. it seems bleaker.. we dont argue we dont say mean things..it just seems to crumble a little bit more.. neither one of us are able to reach out to the other.. he is suspicious of me and my intentions..he thinks i am planning a divorce anyway..and I have told him I just didnt know how i felt.. and he doesnt believe. me.. He doesnt know how he feels..or he does and isnt sharing it..
As long as you don't know what you want, your H is sure to feel rejected and defeated. The fuel he needs is the knowledge that his wife, who committed to "until death do us part", is ALL IN and IN LOVE with him. Anything short of that has got to be devastating for him.
I'm trying to help you see what his perspective might be. You are the one who strayed, you are the one who is tentative about your love for him. It is up to you to come forward and work to establish openness with him. Until you decide to choose your H and your marriage, until you are ready to love him and recommit to him, you will undoubtedly watch your M deteriorate further and further. His ego and his pride have been damaged by your unhappiness with him and even moreso by your indecision about what you want with him. How long is he supposed to wait for his wife to love him?
Please think about what YOU want so that you can be open with your H. Honesty is the most loving and authentic thing you can do right now.
I think that you might be able to have the happy marriage you want WITH YOUR HUSBAND, if he is willing to work with you. Since he is willing to read and is going to counseling, he is showing signs of openness. That is a blessing and speaks volumes about how much he cares!
I would love to see you take a step back, make a list of all the things that you love about your husband and your marriage, and make a separate list of all the things that you wish for that you don't have. Then communicate (carefully and lovingly) about those things with your H. Let HIM tell you that you can't have what you wish for. Don't just sit and wonder what else is out there that you THINK you don't have at your very fingertips. Happiness could be much closer than you think, but you have to take charge in creating it for yourself.
Well, there's some sisterly toughness. I really do want to help you, not kick you when you're down.
You are absolutely right that i need to figure out what i want.. and I have no clue..no clue what so ever..
He has had to come clean about not being happy either and he needs to really look at that.. plus deal w/ my actions...
I feel like he is waiting for some sort of BIG SIGN from me..and i dont have one..I truely dont know what i want..and how long can that go on?.. Does it finally come to you.? DOes the answer become so obvious that you cant ignore it.. b/c right now.. i am at a loss..that's the best way to describe it..
I think we both want to work on it b/c we are neither one ready to call it quits and we think its the "Right thing" to do..but not really because i have recommited to him or he to me...
There is so much more on the table now than just me "cheating" and me being unhappy.. there are many years of BOTH of us being unhappy and it has been a startling emotional discovery for both of us.. i think he is impatient and wants to neatly 'resolve" the issue..but i know it will take alot of time..and what bothers me is i feel like to get started I feel like i have to "fake" the interest b/c its not there right now..
I know i have hurt him.. and not sure he can recover from that..but this has opened the door on alot of issues that have apparently been pent up for years..and i dont think he would have ever told me those things if he had not been angry at me for cheating..so who knows how long he would have lived in misery..now its just a different misery..
I realize i need to figure out what i want.. and i hope our counselor can help us figure that out from each other.. b/c i dont have a clue..
Ugh... It sounds like a stand-off. Each of you is wishing the other would "choose" you and come forward. Wouldn't it be nice if he came riding in on that white horse, passionately fighting for you, sweeping you up and carrying you away to his castle?
Forget what he wants. That's for him to figure out. Don't even look at what he's doing over there. Just keep your head down and decide what you want, all by yourself. Imagine your little slice of heaven and write it down! Then look at your H, trying to see beyond your bias, and place him in your little heaven to see if it can work.
Since both of you have been unhappy for a long time, you basically have to start from the beginning to see if this R is going to lead back to love. Perhaps (monogamous) dating and courtship, as if you've just met?
I believe that there are many people that we can choose to love in the world. I also believe that people are brought together (through conscious AND subconscious influences) for a reason.
You chose your H and he chose you. Each of you had your reasons. How did you get there? What was your past before you married? What was his?
We need to get down to the bottom of how you got here, what you want, what you need, and what you love about your H. He really can be your dream. You've both just woken up and need to examine your lives.
It doesn't just come to you. You can float around until you die. WORK, girl! Figure out what you want *for now* so that you can act accordingly in pursuit of that. You can always revise your course little by little along the way to get to your ultimate sunshine-y place.
