HJR - Listen to Lucky, woman! She knows what she is saying.
You have to work for it. You have to find your own passion. Yes, if you let yourself, you can float and flit around for the rest of your life, unsure what you want, not knowing what path to follow. NO ONE will come and tell you what you are supposed to do or want. You have to seek it within yourself.
Also a reminder dear, that you are still in withdrawal. Do not underestimate the power of the addiction you were under. When people give up their "drug" they ALWAYS go through a depression, ALWAYS. It is the depression that keeps people on real drugs and alcohol, because they know how bad it will "hurt" to go off of them. So don't forget what I said about waiting this out for at least a month, and you will begin to think more clearly after that, ok? Maybe you won't wake up with all the answers on the 31st day....but I just want you to understand that as of right now, you are still under the influence...your body still yearns to "get high"....and until you work through that addiction, you can't really think as clearly. So be good to yourself until the 30 days are up...remember what influences you are under. You are not crazy or mixed up any more than most of us on this forum...but you ARE still under the influence. So for that reason, cut yourself a break and don't expect miracles right now.
Im afraid that i did not marry him b/c i was in love passionately w/ him.. he was down on his luck and he was a very nice guy.. i wanted to get married and start a family.. iknwe he would be a good father and husband.. but im afraid there was no real passion to begin w/ and that is the hard part.. i asked him to think back to when the last time we were passionate about each other...he even said probably when we were dating.. Im afraid what i want is not possible for him.. it is not in his nature to be passionate.. and after all these years of my being dissappointed in him.. can i really expect him to be passionate about him.. This would be easy if i felt all this incredible remorse and desperate wanting to save the marraige.. BUT I FEEL NOTHING> and he says he feels the same way..we are just both so at a loss.. I told him we would have to try to start back as friends..but that even seems impossible at times.. I know Im whining.. i just dont seem to be able to get a foothold.. everyone says . fight for your marraige.. recommit.. what happens when you just dont know? and neither of you know.. so there is not one of you pushing the other along..
Start fantasizing about what you wish your life would look like and start living it. I'm not talking about leaving him or cheating on him. I'm talking about becoming the person you want to be and living the life you want to live. You'll start to shine, he'll be attracted to that and just might come along.
It's too soon to just break up. You haven't done WORK yet. You have to do WORK. If you don't now, you'll never grow from this very spot. Don't float. THINK. Write it down.
Don't rush on a decision. DQ is right. You need time to cleanse from the A's. You do know those were not real examples of true love, exciting love, right? Those were fantasy. All people involved were not standing ready and available and prepared to engage in real love. They were just a distraction. All garbage.
Focus on your dream LIFE, not just your dream marriage. This is more about personal growth first. Becoming the woman that is ready to love someone fully and ready to choose someone for the right reasons.
Let's not look at your H at all right now. Can you start thinking about a happier life for yourself?
Im afraid that i did not marry him b/c i was in love passionately w/ him.. he was down on his luck and he was a very nice guy.. i wanted to get married and start a family.. iknwe he would be a good father and husband.. but im afraid there was no real passion to begin w/ and that is the hard part..
This is a sad, but also a -VERY- typical story. And it hurts like hell to hear, from the man's perspective -- I've been there. As LuckyGirl said, he'll need some time to recover from the blow, but he -can- recover.
What I would recommend you to do, is to recognize and reconnect with the aspects of him that you DID fall in love with. He must have had some of the traits you turn-on to, else you wouldn't have married him. He may not have had -all- of the ingredients for tripping your 'passion' trigger, but I'd bet that he had some of them.
Originally Posted By: HJR
Im afraid what i want is not possible for him.. it is not in his nature to be passionate..
He deserves the chance to try, HJR. Many, many men of his and my generation were taught, from birth, to suppress and control their passionate, masculine natures in favor of being more sensiive, more caring, more egalitarian towards women. These men honestly don't have a clue that what REALLY turns their women on is for them to unleash that primal, masculine side of themselves inside of the bedroom, and that it's alright to do so --> it's what their women secretly -want-.
Becoming more masculine, more dominant with your woman is something that CAN be learned (I'd call it more of a liberation process than a learning process), and it will benefit HIM as much as YOU. He'll be surprised at how enjoyable it will be for him, actually, once he gets past the initial discomforts / anxiety of it. I've walked that path myself (I still am) -- it CAN be done.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I was reading through your last threads Bagheera.. i wish i could give my husband your email address...lol I think you could soo enlighten him.. w/o the insult of coming from me..i wish he had found this place instead of me..
ok... last night .. i tried to ask H if he was avoiding me b/c he was still angry w/ me and was not able to talk to me... he just kinda laughed and said "im not avoiding you.. but ya I guess I may be mad still.." He had this condescending smirk... I know he is still mad.. but it makes me so mad that he puts off this air of I have done all this damage alone..
Im not saying anything else to him until he comes to me..he will have to decide when that will be...
I'm not sure that's the right stance, HJR. He could be saying that he doesn't know what he wants out of self protection.
You are HANGING on every action and word from him. You are focusing on all of his actions. You are waiting to see what he's going to do next and whether he will choose you, despite your wishy washy indifference toward him. Nobody is THAT great, to expect to dangle someone on a string and wait for him to beg for mercy. He can't tell you what you should want or do in this situation. Only you can decide.
It sounds like he, in fact, sees you as the person who broke the trust in the marriage. Waiting for him to come to you is just feeding into a childish standoff.
I dont think Im dangling him on a string.. and I dont expect him to beg me for anything.. I did break the trust.. I just have no idea what to do i guess.. I've always been "see a problem, make a decision, fix it.".. and this is not that simple.. I am wishy washy..but about what i dont know...
At some point we will have to meet in the middle...and I guess i was saying that until he is ready.. Im not pushing the issue.. there is no point. YEs we have 2 small children 6,7
Forgive me for being harsh. I'm cranky this morning. My sitch is doing so well, but my son was up all night teething. So, I'm all twitchy-eyed and just plain tired. I'm getting frustrated reading all of these posts of people in anguish waiting for their WAS to choose them. It breaks my heart for everybody involved. I just want to grab humanity by the shoulders and shake! Life is too darn short to waver on the wonderful people that bless our days.
Please please please think about what you want in your life. What do you want "right now" to look like? When you are old and gray, what do you want to say about your life? What do you want for your kids? Try to describe it here so we can help you identify what's missing for you. Start vague and focus on feelings, if that helps. No pressure for concrete, tangible details.
You are asking the million dollar question! I have been rolling around in that "what do i want" space for a few months and cant seem to get a grasp on it.. so i will try..let me think on it and i'll post later..
