Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[MrBond]

Well no offense but you are a girl. : )

And really sometimes guys just don't get it. That's why the majority of us are here.

Honestly, I don't think you're the type of gal that can hold it in. So I would ASK him about her. Not accuse or yell or confront. But talk to him about it.

Just tell him you want to set your mind at ease and wanted to know if he had been in contact with the OW. Kind of give him the benefit of the doubt sort of thing.

If you go in with all guns blazing he's going to backpedal, get all frazzled and not know which way is up.

[pearlharbr]

Um, but don't most of the guys here want their girls back? So we can't be all bad!

I can't express how frustrating it is to calmly and clearly state what I want and expect, then say something to the effect of "no, this isn't woman-speak, this is REALLY what I want and expect," only to have him do the opposite with the excuse, "oh, I didn't think you meant it."

I'm tired of the excuses because I know the men here are ready, willing and able to do the work necessary to rebuild their Rs. xBF can't just chalk everything up to being a "guy thing" when I know not all guys are like that.

I cannot spend the rest of my life like this. I think it was Sam that said it's like looking for a corner in a round room. Argh!

[pearlharbr]

Journal:

I really hate him right now. Coming home from a late movie and just broke down in the car. I will never fully trust someone again. Not a man, not myself, not anyone. And it's because of his betrayal. I hate him for that. I don't think I will ever forgive him for that.

I was bawling my head off in the darkness of the house when I realized there was blood all over my hands. Nothing like a nose bleed to stop a good cry. Good thing too because I'm pretty sure I was scaring the cats.

Now I feel a little emptier inside. Every day a little emptier. Soon there will be nothing left and I will just be a shell going through the motions.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Pearl, this is why I encourage people to decide AHEAD of time how many (IF any) backslides they're going to accept from the FWAS. Once, but only if self-confessed . . . Once, even if YOU find out . . . twice . . . etc.

Because once it happens, you're too emotional to make good decisions. This way, it just "kicks in," whatever it is.

If he said he was no-contact 3 weeks ago, and instead it was TWO weeks ago, and he's living up to that, then I think you might be overblowing this.

I'm curious, was changing his e-mail address part of the agreed no-contact/transparency plan? Or did he just agree to no-contact, and you guys never DID do a transparency plan?

Puppy

[pearlharbr]

Puppy, we didn't do a transparency plan yet. We are supposed to do that this weekend. But right now I don't see the point if he's already lied to me. I think it's crap that he's going to use "Well, I didn't know" or "I didn't realize that's what you meant" as an excuse to do whatever he wants when he damn well knows what I expect.

And he can't change his email, it's his work account. I'm waiting to see if he confesses to having the "secret" email account.

At this point I want him to send the no contact letter that tells OW he's back with me because he truly loves me and wants us to be together, to totally blow her off. Then I'll leave when I'm ready. Yes I realize this is a crappy thing to do and not the right thing to do but I don't care anymore.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK then.

[JayMan]

What is this letter of which you speak? Why hasn't it been sent already? Is this something YOU thought of, or something you and xBF have discussed?

I tend to agree with Puppy - if SHE saw HIM in some capacity, ran into him at the grocery store, etc, and spoke with him, then she may be baiting him.

Do you know the details of THEIR breakup? Does she still like him, and he dumped her?

Just trying to look at the situation from every angle, and not make excuses for him. Your journal above describes exactly how much you still care for him.

I might have told you that Tawnya's mom (a counselor) told her that the opposite of love is not hate/anger - it is apathy. Hate and anger are very intense expressions of passionate feelings toward someone.

This is exactly why I suggested you fish/cut bait - and if you stayed you give 100%, and then you self-described as an all or nothing person. So, either, trust him - and believe that a random email from this woman doesn't mean anything, or get packing!

Also, don't ever forget that even when someone decides to do the right thing, it isn't always easy. He may have realized that he had feelings for you, and didn't want to lose you, but it doesn't mean that it's easy.

I "understand" my W's affair. If she is with me, she has to learn to trust again, do the right thing, deal with the past, be responsible, face up to her children, face up to leaving 28 years of God and faith and running the opposite way, and admit to doing wrong.
-- OR --
She can be with OM the atheist - who lives a long ways away, can just come in, say pretty things that make her feel good, and leave. She doesn't have any responsibilities to him, etc.

My W has almost zero respect from me - I love her dearly, but she has attacked this family, my children, our family morals, more stuff than I can list. BUT if she was woman enough to do what I listed above, she would instantly regain my respect.

THAT'S why I would give her another chance. If he contacted her, I would ask her if she responded, and if she didn't, I'd say OK.

Here is the scoop: If he's lying, and still contacting her, you will find out. He says he isn't. If you are going to torture yourself, and cry yourself into a nose-bleed, then just go. Now.

Otherwise, let it go. Hating him does nothing for you. Getting revenge will NOT make you feel better (oh, maybe for 5 minutes).

I fought those feelings for a long time, and none of them every did anything. I have spoken very angrily to W about stuff she has said to our kids, and it has accomplished nothing except to make her worse.

When I found peace is when I can look back at the amazing times we had with fondness and happiness. I have loved and do love W more than I ever thought was possible, and I'm happy with that. Here is a quote from the movie The Notebook:
"I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough."

Cheesy, romantic, bleah. But, Pearl, like I said, make this about YOU! If you love him, and he betrays you, that's his problem! If you make a beautiful painting, and someone ruins it, it sucks, but it doesn't take away from the fact that you are an amazing artist.

If you can love with a heart of forgiveness, true love, understanding, and grace - that's beautiful, like you. If he doesn't get that, or betrays that, it doesn't change anything about you! It just shows that he's an idiot, and San Fransisco just upped its population by 1!

I'm not proof-reading this, and it came off the top of my head, so for what it's worth...

[Kenn]

HI Pearl,

How's my friend? That's retorical because I have read and caught up with your posts.... also i really don't even know what retorical means or if I spelled it right

One thing.... I see where she said in an email that she saw him two weeks ago. I may have missed something but that is her talking and her perception. I have seen my wife 4 times in the last week but i am not with her. If she is pursuing him then it is easy to see an email stating "I can't believe it's been two weeks since I last saw you". She may have seen him at the drinking fountain. You may OR may not be reading too much into this email. I would be more interested in whether he responded or not. If it is a company email he can't control whether she emails him. AND guys are wimps (I was thinking about another word I can't use here). If he wants to work things out with you. You are ready to move one then you are in the power position. DO YOU REALIZE how much crap I took from my wife and how much I bit my tounge when I was trying to get back together with her? There is a chance he is just simply scared to tell you she contacted him. You have to think about him being in the same position now that you were in when he first told you he was out of the relationship.

Now that said be careful!

The other thing is ....please do not feel like you can never trust another person. Do you realize how many people out completely put their soul into a relationship? Look at yourself in the mirror and answer the question if you would have ever done this to another human being that you were totally commited to and loved. Even if you fell out of love with that person would you have just sat around until you found someone else that met your needs and then crapped all over that person?? I think not. I have read your post and you are a special person. Do you realize how many special people are out there?

Look at the commitment that people like Puppy, MsM, and all the others have to their spouses. There are special people out there...people you can count on being there when you need them. And quite frankly your BF may be one now that he has decided you are what he wants. There is also he chance he just is going through the "I can't have her" phase. You will realize this as you spend more time together.

I married a woman that left me and i am convinced wants away from the rsponsibility of being a parent as much as she wants away from me. I want to believe if I married 100 women only about 20 of them would have put me through what I have gone through. The other 80 would have appreciated me.

stay positive!!!!!!!!!!!

[pearlharbr]

Sheesh, I knew this would be a roller coaster but I still don't like them. I have a queasy stomach. I'd love to be able to chalk some of my emotions up to hormones (a woman's prerogative!) but alas, I think it's probably just the sitch.

Went out with xBF last night. Took me to dinner at an Italian restaurant where a coworker was playing in a jazz band. Shows thought because he's not fond of pasta or jazz and I am. We had a nice dinner, talked, laughed. Then we went back to the house to talk.

Why do I always end up crying when we talk these days? In the beginning I could have a calm conversation sans tears. Now it seems that as soon as we start so do the waterworks.

I asked if he was still seeing OW. He said no. Since when? Since he told me he was done, about four weeks ago. Is that the last time he saw her? No. When was that? About two and a half weeks ago? So why the discrepancy? He had to tell her to stop contacting him. Has she stopped? No. When was the last time? Last week he got an email. So why didn't he tell me about this? No answer.

I told him I need him to write her a letter telling her that he is with me because he loves me and wants to be with me, not out of guilt or a sense of duty. And that there will be no further contact. He said fine, he's already blocked her number from his cell phone.

Went on to tell him that I hate that I spend even one minute thinking about her because I don't want to give her the power to affect me. But that's the way it is right now.

We discussed other transparency things like access to his email accounts, all of them. He knew I was talking about the "secret" account and said he hasn't used it in months. But he opened it to talk to her. No, he's had it for years and years just didn't use it. Also his phone records and I'd like to have copies of monthly statements for his work line and Blackberry. He said he will look into it.

There's more but it's late and I'm nodding off.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Pearl,

I gotta say, he is saying (and even doing) all the right things here. He's given a LOT. Whether or not he can STICK with it, obviously remains to be seen, but it certainly sounds like he's not only trying, but he's being honest with you as well.

Puppy