Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[Sam1007]

I like wine too! Thanks for the suggestions!

I agree with Puppy on the chill pill. I understand that you feel like moving forward now that you both have made that decision, but I think you need to let him do the majority of the driving (for now at least). You don't want him to be someone he's not. Go back to having fun together and don't get all wound up because he didn't contact you one day. I think you need to go back to detaching a little again instead of jumping completely in.

[pearlharbr]

Sam, you (and Puppy) have hit the nail on the head. I'm an all or nothing type of gal emotionally speaking. Well, in a lot of things actually. I had a REALLY hard time detaching and never was able to accomplish it. When I decided I was done, I was done and that was it. Now it would come in handy but I still don't know how to do it.

I was talking to Jon earlier tonight and I was overcome with another wave of doubt and uncertainty about what I want. This not knowing is killing me. I just wish I was leaning one way or the other.

Jon gave me a talking to and said I need to fish or cut bait: either commit to working on the relationship or start packing and leave. I'm just paralyzed with indecision. So we thought maybe a cooling off/wait and see period would be a good idea.

Which is what you guys have already said. I know.

But I think I will talk to xBF about starting counseling as soon as possible. We can still hang out and do fun things but I really need to start talking about all this stuff with him and I just don't think we can do it on our own.

[pearlharbr]

After all that personal angst, I feel like a complete fool.

I checked xBF's email and found a message from OW:

Gosh it's hard to believe it's been two weeks since I saw you...hope you're doing well

Two weeks?? Two weeks ago is when he was telling me he was afraid I had already decided I was done with tears in his eyes. And it was a week or two before that when I told him that NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT. If I found out about one instance I would be done, no questions asked.

I'm furious, hurt, sad, angry. It was all I could do to not call him in the middle of the night and start yelling. The only way I stopped myself is by remembering that there's a trigger in the settlement that gives me two months to get out of the house after a break up. So now I have to bide my time until I'm ready to move. At least I'm moving back into numb.

Well, I got the sign to push me over to one side.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Pearl,

This is a longshot, but did you check his SENT items? Could OW possibly be trapping him, (or xBF, trapping you?) knowing you might be hacking his e-mail?

Just wondering if maybe he COULD have replied to her "Actually, I think it's been longer than that . . . " or something.

It just seems really weird to me the way it's phrased so specifically.

[pearlharbr]

I did check the sent messages. He didn't reply to her message, just deleted it this morning. But he also didn't tell me about it and he called me last night after he read the email.

[MrBond]

From a guy's POV, he probably didn't see it as anything major. Sorry that's just the way our mind's work. Just the fact that he hasn't contacted her is a good sign.

In terms of piecing, you're going to have to understand that it's going to take awhile for both of you to establish trust one another. Don't let one act of forgetfulness or thoughtlessness undermine the larger picture.

If both of you are really serious about piecing, you're both going to have to relax your guard (just a little) to gain trust in one another again.

[pearlharbr]

Thanks for stopping by stuck.

My problem is that the one thing I told him was not negotiable was no contact. Period. And yet he saw her. I can't start out piecing with him lying to me. That just won't work for me. If I am expected to just look the other way because it's too hard for him then I am not cut out for this.

[MrBond]

Hate to say it, but if you don't cut him a little of slack and vice versa, you're not going to successfully piece.

I think if you were to confront him with this message and he were to clarify what happened, you wouldn't believe him no matter what he says.

"If I am expected to just look the other way because it's too hard for him then I am not cut out for this."

You'll definitely not be looking the other way. Our sitchs are such that we get paranoid about our Ss. Take me for example. My W had a strong EA with her boss. Strong enough to want to leave our M and kids for this married guy twice her age. Today she doesn't work directly with him, but still sees him everyday.

Now she has told me that she has not feelings for him. I know that's not true because quite frankly that's not human. We don't automatically forget those things. But do I trust her when she says she keeps it professional and doesn't do the things she did before with him at work? Absolutely until I discover otherwise. I have detached enough that I trust and love her, but if I find any indiscretion, she's going to find her ass on the street.

My W has NEVER apologized for what she did and not shown any remorse. But her actions have spoken louder than words.

Your exBF has actually said he's going to give it a chance which is way more than alot of our WASs have done. Give it a chance.

The paranoid feelings don't go away quickly. And trust is something that is earned definitely. You can try easing up a little and see what happens. Just my 2 cents. : )

[pearlharbr]

Ah, that's the difference. xBF is all talk and no action, your W is action and no talk. I have been saying all along that I am looking for actions from xBF to prove to me that he is serious about trying to work through this. His action was to see OW and not tell me.

So stuck, what am I supposed to do with this knowledge that he lied to me and continues to see her? I know she is not the root of our problems, but I have learned through all this that it is a dealbreaker for me.

[pearlharbr]

From a guy's POV, he probably didn't see it as anything major. Sorry that's just the way our mind's work.

And fwiw, I don't buy this for one second. I'm very well aware of the differences in men and women's communication styles. Hell, I was a communications major! So that's why I stated very clearly what I expected. He just thinks I won't find out. And that's a load of crap.