Everything that you have said resonates fully with me; yes I quite simply have to wake up. I have strong moments and weak moments but essentially I know that I am worth more than this. people make mistakes in life; we are all only human; the bigger travesty is not realising and then not taking responsibility. It has taken me a number of years to come to terms with my conflict; and I know full well that I have subjected my D and H to upset etc. But I have found a new focus, a renewed love of my self and my position and a new sense of hope. It is up to God as to whether he will ever care to see the change in front of him, and whether he will dare to care. This is what he has wanted for the last 5 years, but apparently it is too late for him. But no too late for me and my daughter. He just passed me in the car on our road where the house is; completely ignored me with a stony face. I could say its sad but actually, for a 54 yr old man to do that to a woman he has been with for 10 years, well it doesnt say much about maturity.
Just a thought........how do all LBS cope with contact then no contact. Also, how do you cope with WAS coming to live in the family home 2-3 nights a week? hard to detach and GAL under those circumstances Is this a sign of hope or of madness? Just musing........
"Just a thought........how do all LBS cope with contact then no contact."
You take it one day at a time. That's why GAL is very important. You do it for you. You do it to not think about your M. You do it to build yourself up.
All of us LBS's have felt pain that our WAS's cannot imagine. They treat us with little disregard of how we feel and only care about themselves. They will come up with every excuse in the book as to why they're leaving. And guess who they decide to put most of the blame on? The LBS. This crushes our spirit and self-esteem. That's why GAL is so important for you.
It's not a ploy or an underhanded way to get them back. It's a way of you getting a bit of yourself back one day at a time.
I would still suggest you leave the home and take your D with you. Him going in and out of the home shows great disrespect for you. At the very least, I would have him sleep in the living room or a spare room. He doesn't have the balls to be able to share your bed. Before he comes over, I would move all of his belongings into the spare room so he doesn't force his way in.
He will squawk like a dodo bird, but you know what? He is the one disrespecting your marital bed. Not you. Do you want to have his body that has been laying on top of another woman lying next to you a few minutes later? That's the way you have to see it.
Get your dignity back first to get his respect. That's what it comes down to. Your H will not come back to someone he doesn't respect.
I would also suggest you put together a personal soundtrack of songs that help to keep you strong. Songs like "I will Survive" and others will help keep you stay on track.
Next I would also have a strong support system. Do you have many friends or are close to a pastor in the clergy. They will be the ones who will give you strength you need to continue.
And first and foremost, have FAITH that you will be well no matter what. That YOU are the better person. I don't know if you believe in a higher being, but if you do, then praying helps when your faith falters.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes, I do have a huge Faith......I have been turning to God and praying for Him to guide me in the best way; guide all of us. I also have a group of wonderful friends that are al supporting me; there is not one friend that has any expressed concern and, sometimes, outrage at what is happening,they have and continue to be amazing.
The issue of the marital bed is a very true one. I dont think that I have fully felt the impact of H and OW sexual relationship; boy does it hurt when I go there.
How have other people coped with infidelity/adultery? I know there are many M that survive this and more but at the moment I cant imagine being with him in that way again. In January when we were having sexual contact he was creating boundaries (some things, not others) because he was obviously worried about cheating on his new lover ta that stage. I stupidly trusted him at the time; I thought that we were working on our marriage? I now look back months later and realise just how much that rejection hurt. Here was a man who for 10 years said that i was the most desirable woman he had ever known, or could know.He was saying this even at the end of Jan....
I am dreading the time when he moves back in the house and am trying to work out a way legally where I can prevent this; this is truly emotional abuse.
I have to protect myself and my daughter. On the other hand I do not recognise this person. Do all WAS display these alien tendencies? In my sitch he does not speak to me at all except in relation to our D. He wouldnt know how I am, what I am doing in my life, my health etc.......it feels totally bizarre that he has switched the light switch off........is it denial?
I am not contacting him, def GAL (out seeing friends, keeping busy etc). Doing this I definitely feel better in myself. But I miss the man who I Thought I was married to, who I used to share so much of my life with. Instead I am looking at a carbon copy which bears no resemblance emotionally to my H.
Its hard when you feel so far away from your H........I am sure the protection order has damaged things but it had to be done.
I pray that we may find a way through this but for the moment he wants nothing to do with me personally and I have no choice but to keep moving forward and live my life according to my principles, and to create a life for me and our D that is in keeping with what we had always hoped for our lives.
Just a thought..... I agree about the issue of respect. We need to be able to respect our spouses. I spent ten years by and large believing in him and respecting him. I truly do not think he has felt the same for me; lack of respect due to his view about my chronically bad parenting, lack of interest in the family unit. For me, how do I get respect back for a man who has done this to my life, to our D's life, to my family's life (my Mum is having to support me at the moment until I return to my job in September as I am still convalescing from my illness) How does my H find respect for me after I have slapped a safety order summons on him. I needed to protect myself but it is still a very definite path to take. Have just woken up so am a bit teary, sad, he is waking up next to OW. Will go and make a cup of tea and hopefully feel better soon. I am worth more than this but especially when I first wake up I feel less than. It would be great if we could rewrite our history
"How does my H find respect for me after I have slapped a safety order summons on him. I needed to protect myself but it is still a very definite path to take."
Stop dwelling on this. You set a boundary and that's it. You're telling him that you are not going to let him continue being a man-whore in your R and are looking after your and your daughter's interests. It's something he should have done if he were a real man.
"We need to be able to respect our spouses."
Yes, however in order to earn respect they have to show respect. And seeing what your H has been doing to you has shown that he is treating you like dirt. Not out of respect, but out of control and manipulation.
Let me put it to you this way. When your D marries. Do you want her to have to buy her own wedding ring or not take her H name because he feels she may not be "worthy" of it? That's essentially what your H has been telling you and treating you. It sounds like since the beginning, he has always left the door open a crack so he can escape when he couldn't handle things.
Do you know why he D the first time?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"How does my H find respect for me after I have slapped a safety order summons on him. I needed to protect myself but it is still a very definite path to take."
Stop dwelling on this. You set a boundary and that's it. You're telling him that you are not going to let him continue being a man-whore in your R and are looking after your and your daughter's interests. It's something he should have done if he were a real man.
"We need to be able to respect our spouses."
Yes, however in order to earn respect they have to show respect. And seeing what your H has been doing to you has shown that he is treating you like dirt. Not out of respect, but out of control and manipulation.
Let me put it to you this way. When your D marries. Do you want her to have to buy her own wedding ring or not take her H name because he feels she may not be "worthy" of it? That's essentially what your H has been telling you and treating you. It sounds like since the beginning, he has always left the door open a crack so he can escape when he couldn't handle things.
I wouldn't want my D to have to go through anything like this.... Its interesting, the last few days I am going through what seems like the beginning of detachment... I am happier around the house and am feeling more positive about the future and what I can achieve within my new life. I admit I do get down moments. But the simple fact is that my H is and has made a choice to be with someone and it is not me. He has treated me badly in all of this but I have to be the better person here. I believe in Go and pray but at the moment am challenged......they say that believing in God is believing in what we cannot see. I am trying to just live with that. At the end of the day I want to be with a man who loves and cherishes me, who wants me to take his name and is more than happy to buy me a ring. I want to be with a man who is prepared to stay in a M against adversity because he honours the commitment that was made and believes in me enough to weather the storm. Like lot of us posting here I have made mistakes, I have made choices that have been less than perfect but I try to love with my whole heart and consider myself to be a faithful person and a committed one. Whether its my H or not I want to be with someone in my life who doesnt think that another woman is a more credible option. I want t be with someone who thinks that I am the one. If not, I would rather be with myself.
Update; my husband was married previously for about 22 years. In his words the first five years were fine, then his X-W wanted an open marriage which lasted about 15 years. They saw different people during this time, and his X-W even moved to a different country to live with a man for nearly a year, leaving their eldest daughter with my H. My H had a series of flings and one night stands but nothing serious. His X-W returned after the break up with her lover and wanted the marriage to work and to have another baby; she was 40 at the time. My H agreed but not to another pregnancy. Within a year she was pregnant. After giving birth to their second daughter she left me H for good, returning to a relationship with a man that she was seeing in the open marriage period. They are still together. After my H X-W left him his company collapsed and he went into a depression for two years and was on anti-depressants. Interestingly, he has often referred to his X-w's actions towards him and now his actions towards me as exactly the same which is hurtful. I met my H about 2 years after his X-W left him and he was still living in the marital home, something that he continued to do up until about 14 months after we met. Funny, after reading what I have been writing it has hit me that my H has never lived by himself, he has always lived with women; first his aunt and uncle, who brought him up (his Mother lived next door with his other siblings but his aunt and uncle couldnt have kids and my H father died when he was 3 months old, so because my H was the youngest he was farmed out to a family member). He then lived with his X-W, then with me and now with his development manager although he is demanding that he will be moving back in here for some of the week. there would be an argument for my H to grow up and live by himself and not be with anyone. Then he would be creating the space to start to know himself, not just act on his ego alone, which is manifesting through his relationship with his DEV. man.
I have a day at home today which is great......time to think... My h was here last night; I had to wrk but he was in the house with D7. It was strange; he seemed so uncomfortable, not easy and relaxed. i was also minding our neighbours two kids; 8 and 10 and he ignored them which was very difficult for them, they know him well. I have just bought D a guinea pig and a rabbit, he made a comment taht it was a lovely thing for me to do; I think it was a pointed remark taht i have never done anything like taht before. I didnt say anything. all my change will be noticed via action, not words. He is wanting to come back on Saturday to do the gardening.
This is hard.......on one hand I could think that this means something but I think not.......at the end of the day he is leaving at night and sleeping in the same bed as OW. Thats the reality.
I am finding it hard to acknowledge the shift and am holding strong. For my own dignity and my D
