Busting My WAW

[lovetwinslost]

A couple more weeks and no significant differences...this is my therapy...write what I think and hope to get some feedback...feeling a little down today...my wife called earler today to say she was working late, then right after that I was told by some coworkers that they saw my wife earlier in the day in a car with another man...I texted her to ask her who she was with...she didn't respond...she came home late this evening, walked right by me, went straight to bed, and totally ignored me.

I have continued attempting to give her space; I make no attempts at ML; no attempts at touching, hugging, and kissing; she of course makes no attemptes either; it feels so strange, so cold and empty in my home. I hug and kiss my mother in front of her. I hug and kiss my kids in front of her. Even the dog is happy to see me when I come home. Why not her? I made a couple of efforts to hug and kiss and she just pushed me away.

Our son had another outburst at school last week while I was out of town. The school called me and I informed her. She spoke to them and indicated our son may be expelled if he has another outburst. I provided her the info on the counselor and request she set up the appointment. To this day she has not. The kids had a denstist appointment today. We typically almost always go to all their appointments together, but I took them and she did not show up. While gone last week, she did not once even work with the kids on their homework, but then I get home and am doing it everyday. She just yesterday yelled at the kids when they asked if she would take them to the park after school because she said she doesn't get enough sleep because of them which may be the case, but she is on anti-depressants during the day and sleeping pills at night. These are just examples as to why she is an unfit mother in my opinion, but how do I express this?

Do I ask her to leave?
Do I wait for her to threaten to leave again?
If she goes, do I try to stop her from taking the kids?
So many questions? So many issues and challenges?
This sucks!

The Coach says I need to do something to ignite the spark.
I tried the weekend getaway and although I thought it went well, the next day she said again, "I don't want to ML to you, I don't want to kiss you, I don't want to be with you..."
I tried attempting a hug and kiss in front of my mother and kids and she didn't respond.
I tried attempting to ML in the middle of the night and she said no. I got up got, dressed up and went out to a club until late. Came home, went to bed, and she said nothing.
Have continued going to church and taking the kids with me, but she doesn't go. We made some efforts on home improvements, but we can't seem to agree on things so little progress is made. She criticizes my efforts to where I lose desire to do them, but she makes no efforts of her own other then complain that I have made any. That is her modus operendi to constantly criticize me when bathing the children, when helping with their homework, cooking, cleaning, even trying to teach my son to ride a bike. She makes no efforts to do these things, but constantly criticizes me when I do them. What does this mean? The criticism makes me angry and although I say very little to avoid arguments it then makes me want to do less.

I am trying to "Act as if" she is not even here doing all the things I would do whether she was hear or not, i.e. spending time with the kids, working out everyday, doing whatever it is I want to do, etc. But if just feels so strange to almost be functioning independently of her in a house under the same roof. She has become like a roommate instead of my wife.

I had planned to take the kids to visit their cousins next month and she originally had said that she wanted to come along, but recently she said to go withour her.

I feel mentally exhausted. I am barely functioning at work. I still attempt to work out at the gym everyday. I still spend time with the kids everyday doing homework, riding bikes, going to the park, playing games, reading storie, etc. all before bedtime. My other personal saving grace has been reconnecting and even flirting with HS friends on facebook...is this healthy? I come home from work, visit and eat dinner with the kids, do homework, play games, ensure they bath, read stories, then ensure they are in bed. [The kids got to know or feel that something is going on right? It can't be good for them to see that their mother and father rarely speak and hardly ever touch. How can we teach them to love and respect when we don't show each other the same? Granted I have tried, but her lack of response must be obvious. I feel so bad for my kids.] The W usually eats dinner with us, but then goes straight to bed or watches TV until she goes to sleep. After everyone is in bed, I either watch TV, play video games, or am on the net such as this site and or facebook as well as others. I feel too tired to go out, but know that is what I should do. I have to go out of town for work next week, so will probably try to have some fun, but will of course be concerned that my W is screwing around. I guess it doesn't matter as she may already be doing it so what's it matter right?

I guess it is really over huh? When is enough is enough?
Maybe I should initiate the Big D.
Enough rambling I am going to sleep now.
Thanks.

[lovetwinslost]

I have one more DB Coach session.
Wonder what I can tell her and what she can tell me to do at this point. Don't want to waste it.

[Fallgirl]

Just read through the last three of your posts. You`re in the middle of the crazy dance right now.I`m not in a great position to advice you as I`m just one step away from that crazy dance myself!

But I wouldn`t jump into D mode just yet. Not when all that emotional stuff in flying about.

Yes, I was there. And yes, things got worse. I got to the point of utter despair with my H-losing weight, insomnia, suicidal. I got to a better place when I started to switch from watching his crazy steps into minding me.

That`s all you have to focus on right now-minding you and minding the kids. Stop watching your spouse.

You`ve gotta watched that kid of yours who`s acting up in achool-don`t wait for the school or your wife to do it. Love that you`re there for them with homework/bike rides etc. Go for more and that and more fun together. Your wife may be suffering from depression/severe confusion whatever. You`ve got to be the rock for your kids.

I went to a lawyer too re separation. And just came away with an overwhelming impression of D suiting the legal world. Times are tough for them too and if they can get a quick buck even quicker(ie you file before she does) so much the better. It`s a frying pan/fire job IYKWIM.

I promise when you really start loving you you`ll start to feel better. At the very least you`ll be in a better place to hack out an amicable separation and you`ll also be giving the M a better chance to work.So go through the list of what works(. At the very least have an adventure for yourself every day-do something different,change your routine,change your toothpast whatever.

And,btw, I don`t blame your wife for not responding to your hug in front of MIL and kids-that`d be a kind of blackmail in my book given your current situation.

Oh, and I get about you being worried about the kids looking at your relationship together etc but they also need to learn that life isnt rosey in the garden all the time/adults go through difficult phases too. And it could well be that they don`t their Mom in quite the same negative light that you do.

Take care of you.

[lovetwinslost]

Just learned that my W is back in the A with the OM from three years ago. His W filed for D a couple of weeks ago and he moved out. A friend of mine saw them together at a bar just a short distance from his new apartment. She denies it, but my friend actually spoke to them both and I know that he is not lying. The sad thing is that she was doing this while I was out of town with the kids and while she is supposed to be out of town for work. Now she is back to her lying cheating game. What to do? I am tired of fighting and arguing. Just a couple of weeks ago she bought a new car without consulting me. A week or so before that we had an arguement over what I cannot recall, but what I do recall is her telling me how she doesn't like me and wants another man. But then the day before I left we ML andn while I have been gone she has been calling everyday and even once said ILU to me. It's as if she has one foot in the door and another out the door. I don't think I should leave the house because that is where the kids are. So do I ask her to leave? I feel I should tell her to have her bags packed and moved out before I get home. How fair is it that she is cheating on me while I am gone, so obviously won't stop, and then I have to go home to her with the knowledge of this?

[dday101798]

You definately need to call her out on it. It's not only "unfair", but unhealthy and dangerous for you especially if you just ML's with her and she's with someone else!

[lovetwinslost]

Well I have not posted for quite a while. I speak to a DB Coach every couple of weeks although it is quite expensive. Her coaching makes me feel better about myself and she actually suggests obvious ideas that I just seem to overlook or ignore due to the pain, hurt, and anger. I find when I can think beyond these negative feelings, the ideas, the creativity, the positive energy just flows out of me.

The opposite is speaking to friends or other women in person or on facebook that continue to aggressively try to convince me to leave my wife, because they say ultimately my happiness and the happiness of my children (because they can supposedly see or sense the distance between my wife and I) are more important than our marriage. I feel a lot of what I read or receive responses to in this online community is mostly negative as well, therefore I stay away. I am just here today to put some thoughts in writing. If anyone reads and chooses to respond, I will be more than happy to listen.

Some of my goals all along have been the following and the status of them:
1) Stay Married - So far so good!
2) Stay Together Under the Same Roof with Our Children - so far so good.
3) Receive a Hug and a Kiss from her everyday - this only happens if I initiate it...she still never initiates. If I didn't initiate it would never happen. I am lucky to get an open mouth passionate kiss once every couple of weeks. Most of the time she actually turns me down or turns away when I try or even ask to kiss her.
4) Have a daily meaningful conversation with her - once again if I come up with a topic and initiate it sometime between coming home from work and before bedtime it will happen about once or twice a week. She is receptive to talking if she is interested in the subject, i.e. usually work, school, or her friends/co workers are the topics that interest her most. She doesn't seem to like to talk about me, my friends, or anything that I am interested in.
5) Weekly Date Nights - Am only accomplishing this about once a month and the last one was so bad full of negative relationship talk "I am going to move out...I want to find another man...you need to learn to let me go..." and bad sex "I don't like kissing or having sex with you..." that I haven't wanted to initate this recently. In speaking with the Coach my best approach for this is group dating, so I am in the process of setting this up but it will be more like once a month.
6) Sex once a week - Am lucky if once a month and once again only if I initiate, although has happened twice this month, so I am up to every couple of weeks unless this is a fluke. Oddly enough when the opportunity arises usually in the middle of the night or middle of the day during the kids naptime on weekends, she really only turns me down about 50% of the time. Her excuses when turning me down are usually I am tired or I just ate and I am too full. Unfortunatley, when we get started her first words are "get the lotion" and immediately after we are done "I have to go to the bathroom." I avoid lotion by performing oral sex on her to pleasure her first and because she really doesn't want to kiss me. I find that the more time we spend with friends, i.e. weekend BBQs, etc. she is more likely to be receptive to sex. She still never initiates or does anything for me, but she still seems to really enjoy when I perform oral sex on her and after that she lets me do about antyhing that I want except kiss her. Note One: I think I have to say for the record that either I am still extremly sexually attracted to my wife, I just have a strong desire for sex, and or I am addicted to sex, because I seem to want to have sex with her everyday and if the opporutnity doesn't arise because she goes to bed early, the kids are the bed with us, work, school, etc. I want to pleasure myself and sometimes I actually do in the bathroom or shower. Note Two: My wife had never complained to me about sex ever except one time she said to me in a heated argument that we never make love we only [censored]. She had also said previously sex was always the best thing we had going for us. She one time said, if and when the sex ever gets bad or that she doesn't want it we will truly be over. I wonder if that is what she is thinking now. I don't dare ask for fear of the truth and avoiding relationship talk. Am I wrong about any of this? The DB Coach says to not stop trying for sex especially when sometimes she is receptive as it may be one of the reasons she stays, may eventually be the spark to kickstart the marriage, and or at least provides some level of physical closeness/relationship between us both. I just wonder if this is healthy if in fact she is having an affair. It is a fact that she had one about three years ago and although I still sense it is a possibility today, she denies it and I really cannot prove it. Coach says keep trying, don't give up, especially if I don't know for sure and at least I am still accomplishing my first two goals. I just wonder if I am being too nice, a pushover, and or doormat by moving forward even though I know and sense these feelings of infidelity.
7) Making future plans together - she requested that I plan a family camping trip and a family vacation to an island resort this summer during her school breaks. She wants her sister to go, which is a positive because she could watch the kids while we go out together or it could be a negative, because she may want to spend more time with her than me. Coach says move forward with planning these.
8) Flirt - Send emails, texts, calls, cards, notes, and or rub/touch her when close - have been doing this almost daily - she doesn't really flirt back but I see and or sense a smile every once in a while. Coach says this is good.

Regardless of all the good, positive, nice, happy things that I do and say, she continues to seem to be as negative, critical, complaining, etc of me every chance she gets. She almost daily tells our son he has a nasty bad attitude like his Dad. I don't feel that I have an attitude and actually think she is the one that he is getting it from but I don't dare say. She asks me to go get a pizza and when I do and return she yells and complains asking me why I took so long. She asks me to fill the car up with gas and I do and return and get a similar response. I pay all the bills, deal with all the vehicle and home maintenance issues, and the moment something is or goes wrong she blames me. Obviously, my response or defense is usually typically almost always one of disappointment, sadness, and anger. All I want is a simple thank you, but I never get that. Of course I want even more like a hug, a kiss, and the words I love you, but of course that would be asking for way to much. I know that everyone must be thinking that I should just stop being nice, but I have tried that and it gets even worst because then she will say that I do nothing or I am good for nothing and gives her even more reasons to want to leave and stay gone. Coach says kill her humor and kindness. Instead of responding with anger, respond with humor and niceties. In other words change my approach because she expects the negative response. It is funny that this approach does remove the tension.

I am prepared to tell her to go if she brings it up again that she wants to move out on her own and get an apartment. I am prepared to tell her that all I have ever wanted was for her to be happy and even though I don't want her to go that if she does I won't stop her because really how can I stop her. I will tell her that I will fight to retain custody of the children although agree to a visitation arrangement, because I don't feel she is a fit mother and truly can't take of the kids by herself especially with work and school she is spending more time out of the house than I am.

I am just so concerned, frustrated and disappointed that we had such dreams of a life together forever, living, growing, rasiing children, and building our nest egg together. Now she is just throwing it all away. She focusses only on her self with no regard to our finances or future. She bought a new car that we can't afford. She buys new shoes, clothes, purses, jewelry, hair and other beauty products every week that continues to blow are budget. I can't seem to convince her. Heck some of the things she appears to have don't seem to add up as either she is getting the five finger discounts or receiving gifts. Either way would indicate she has a secret friend, account, or some habit I never new about. Either way I would think one of these will ultimately blow up in her face and get her and who knows who else in trouble. Coach says do a budget and show it to her otherwise let it go.

I think I've rambled enough. It is late. And I am tired.

I miss my wife.

LTL out.

[MrBond]

Well as Michele would say. If something doesn't work, do something different.

Have you thought of packing all of her things up and kicking her out? You have to jolt her to get your self-respect back from her. I mean, especially in your LONG sex goal, it sounds like a dog looking to get approval from it's master.

If she has OM, then that pretty much decided everything. She doesn't want what she doesn't respect.

[lovetwinslost]

So are you saying packing all of her things up and kicking her out will gain me respect? How do you figure? How does one go about packing up her stuff and kicking her out? What if she refuses? What if she attempts to take the kids with her? Which side is the law going to be on?

I offerred to get a sitter and take her to the movies tonight and she agreed. We actually held hands, talked and laughed a little. I sometimes see a spark from her.

She still doesn't respond to hugs or kisses from me, so I just stopped trying...it just feels so strange not too.

Oddly enough she asked me to plan a family vacation.

If there is OM, why wouldn't she just leave me for this person?

I am so confused.

[Sara]

Stick with the advice from the coach. That sounds good.

[lovetwinslost]

Does anyone really know if this Divorcebusting really works where one person in the relationship can truly make a difference and bring the couple really back together?

As I sit here and type once more again after reading my own posts, posts from others, responses to posts, etc., the majority of it is all negative. I rarely can find a success story. Am I not looking in the right place. I even have been searching other websites to no avail in finding any other theories or philosophies that one person can make a difference. Most indicate it takes two or it won't succeed.

I have been so-called divorcebusting for over three years now. She still has not changed her position that wants away from me. I still feel like she is having an affair. The goal really achieved thus far to date is that we are still under the same roof. The challenge or the pain is that there is no intimacy. I get no reception to hugs and kisses and if we ever do ML it is because I initiated and she finally gave in to me with no passion or nothing from her as far as attempts to please me.

I am beginning to feel that all the time, energy, money, and effort has been for nothing as far as keeping the relationship together. The only positive is that I still get to see my kids everyday, but they are becoming more and more like their mother, cold, unreceptive to affection, negative, aggressive, etc. I am becoming emotionally and physically drained by trying to be upbeat, positive, and always showing love to everyone.