Went to the concert, it was a blast. xBF texted when he was done with casino night. I called back when the show was over and we talked while I drove home. One of the prizes he won was tickets to a rugby game so he asked if I want to go in two weeks.
Thanks to everyone for your input.
Kiss off letter to OW went in the mail yesterday. The bad part of that is now I have her address. It's pretty close to our house (which I knew) but not on my way anywhere. I don't have any plans to stalk her but I just think I was better off without that particular piece of info. Now I know where they were shacked up for a month. Blech.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I see a LOT of positive actions from xBF (is he BF again? or not yet?) He may not cover all the things you need from him right now, but I think he's making a pretty big effort to meet you in your needs. About the earlier email saying it had been 2 weeks since OW saw him, I agree with others that you may have been reading too much into it. Seeing could be as simple as she ran into him at a store or something, it doesn't necessarily mean that they planned a meeting. I know it's hard not to jump to conclusions in this kind of sitch, but I think you need to make an effort to take things literally at this point. You wouldn't be worried about an email like this if you weren't in this sitch, right?
I especially think highly of his letter to OW and the fact that he wrote it, let you read it and then left it for you to mail. How much more transparent can it get? That is HUGE!
I think you need to cut him some slack as far as meeting all your demands right now. It's easy to become impatient when things seem to go in the right direction, but you have to. He's learning how to meet your needs, isn't that what you would want from a R? It's because something was missing before that you ended up in this sitch. Like was said earlier, he's new at this right now, give him some time to learn and keep your expectations low. It avoids disapointment that will frustrate you.
My experience... the less you know about that chit the better.... it sucks... that part....
but it's like child birth..... if we all remembered the pain we would never do it again.....
The pain does lessen, not as gut wrentching and you won't think about it as much.
When we first got back together it was on my brain about 95 percent of my waking hours..... I would say it's down to about 5 percent the thoughts are less intense and are here and gone.
It takes time to stop dwelling on it. Sometimes it would seem like I would get stuck into some kind of obsessive thougths about but being aware of that helps and know that you just have to wait it out and keep moving forward.... that was nice that he text you.... his way of checking in .... another circle made!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
My experience... the less you know about that chit the better.... it sucks... that part....
but it's like child birth..... if we all remembered the pain we would never do it again.....
The pain does lessen, not as gut wrentching and you won't think about it as much.
When we first got back together it was on my brain about 95 percent of my waking hours..... I would say it's down to about 5 percent the thoughts are less intense and are here and gone.
It takes time to stop dwelling on it. Sometimes it would seem like I would get stuck into some kind of obsessive thougths about but being aware of that helps and know that you just have to wait it out and keep moving forward.... that was nice that he text you.... his way of checking in .... another circle made!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
He is still xBF. We broke up and as far as I'm concerned we are not in a R that I would call him my BF. I have no idea what we are but I'm not comfortable saying we are back together.
I was not overreacting to meeting between xBF and OW 2.5 weeks ago. No, they didn't just run into each other. Yes, it was planned. He says it was to tell her it was over and leave him alone. But he was deliberately hiding it from me. So I have no proof that what he says is true. I have counted it as his one mulligan and I have said in no uncertain terms that if he ever sees her again it will be over with us.
And yes, I would be worried about an email like that before all this crap happened. In fact I was worried about OW before she was OW. I knew in my gut that she was bad news but xBF totally pooh-poohed that idea. When the sh!t hit the fan I asked if there was someone else with her specifically in mind. Oh no, we're just friends. Pffft. Score one for woman's intuition.
It's good that he wrote the letter but I'm not overjoyed. Because he didn't write it, I wrote it. He just copied what I told him I'd like it to convey. So yes he did it, but it feels like he just checked off that box without putting any thought into it and I don't know if he truly believes in what was written.
I know everyone here thinks I need to ease up on him. But it's just not going to happen. Until I feel a little bit secure I will hold him to high standards. What's the point of letting things slide now? To set a low bar for future behavior? Now is the time that he should be on his best behavior and trying his hardest because we all know that when we get more comfortable we tend to let things slide.
I have cut him all the slack I can. Any more and I will feel like a doormat. He cheated on me, the one thing I have always maintained is unacceptable. I am stretching myself to the limits to even allow for the possibility of reconciliation.
At this point I am the WAS and he needs to work on attracting me back. Am I expecting perfection? Nope. Are my expectations high? Yep. Do I think they're unattainable? Not at all. It's up to him to decide if he's willing to man up and do what it takes.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 04/30/0904:13 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I think the point of cutting him some slack is because you might have come across as more of a mom than a GF. Let's face it, the two of you aren't M and if he can't be comfortable doing things independently without you looking over his shoulder, things aren't going to work out well in the end.
"He just copied what I told him I'd like it to convey."
Here's an example. You said he only copied it, but only because you wanted him to say how you felt he should feel. That's not going to work. He's got to have the chance to say and do things the way he wants and needs to. If not, little resentments are going to build and he's going to jump to the OW because she's not going to put any demands on him or at least not as strict.
Just my 2 cents.
Glad you had a great time at the concert. : )
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm starting to feel like I can't do anything right here.
First I tell him what I'm looking for in a partner, the qualities of the person I want to be with. I don't tell him how I think that should be manifested because I don't want to tell him how to act or what to do. I want him to think about it and come up with actions he thinks will convey his feelings and show me he can be the partner I am looking for. People here said, "He's a man. You need to be specific. Don't expect him to be a mind reader."
So I come up with a transparency plan that will meet my needs. I give him a list (against my better judgment) of the things I need to be reassured. He does as expected, the bare minimum of what I outlined. People here say, "Don't tell him what to do, you sound like his mother."
I'm ready for a break from all the advice.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Actually the advice is all the same when you look at it. Everyone's just saying to tell him what your needs and expectations are very specifically, make sure he understands, then let him run with them on his own by trusting him.
It's like talking to a kid (for lack of a better example). You show him what he did wrong, what he should do to avoid it, make sure he understands, then let him go with the understanding that he's not going to do it again.
Believe me, the majority of us would kill to be in your shoes right now and I think we're all just worried about your sitch going backwards.
But after all, most of us are simple-headed men. : )
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
OK, I guess I had misunderstood some things. I wasn't aware that you knew for sure that they planned a meet. If that's thecase, I understand the breach of trust, especially since he did not tell you about it, he should have.
I also did not know you wrote the letter. I thought you told him (verbally) roughly what should be in it and then he wrote it.
I do understand your feelings of "he's just checking the box" and "he's just doing the bare minimum". It's frustrating because you're wanting him to do so much more. I guess what I was trying to say earlier with cutting him some slack is not so much about accepting his mistakes and breaches of trust, but more about not pointing out to him what he's not doing constantly. It's more about patience with him trying to figure out how he can wow you. You have every right to set boundaries and enforce them. Hope this makes my thoughts a little clearer.
or not yet?)