Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[pearlharbr]

Hi sandycay, thanks for stopping by. (BTW, I grew up in Edmonds/Lynnwood!)

I have started to acknowledge his efforts. I sent him an email where I, among other things, listed as many things I could think of that he's done in the name of reconciliation. I also have invited him to do things with me and give him a hug every time we see each other.

Am I in or out? Still unsure but I think I have reached the decision that I need to try to be all in and see what happens from there.

Thanks for the visual on the trust issue. I was discussing this with Jon today and I do think the transparency plan will help get the ball rolling in this area.

I was frustrated with his lack of effort on the big things: transparency plan, setting up counseling, and working on improving himself. I feel like I am still the one doing the heavy lifting here and I'm not 100% sure I even want to be here. Since he's the one who wants reconciliation he should be the one taking steps to move in that direction.

I did just take matters in my own hands and spell out exactly what I wanted in the transparency plan. And he has said he will start searching for a counselor. After I threw down my pile of self-help books on getting through an affair he did take one home with him to read. But in all these things I am still the one taking the lead. I do not want to nag or drag him through the process. If he doesn't start showing some initiative I cannot believe that this is truly what he wants.

He knows that my stance re: OW is absolutely no contact. Period. The next time is the last time. I know about it because she sent him an email on Monday asking why he wasn't responding to her attempts at contact. It really sounds pathetic. And I am happy knowing that she's not going to get what she wants. Karma.

I called xBF this morning and asked if he wanted me to spend the evening with him. He wanted to know why because he knows I have the concert ticket. I awkwardly explained that if it was going to be difficult for him knowing it's the last night of bowling then I would be there for him. He just laughed and said no, he's going to be focused on winning the poker tourney so I should go to the concert but thanks for asking.

[pearlharbr]

maybe you should have him talk to her so that she's not left hanging and he's got a sense of closure as well.

He did see her about 2.5 weeks ago to end things with her but apparently that's not enough for her.

He wrote the letter I requested telling her that it is over between them, he has chosen me out of love and telling her to end all contact because he will not respond. I'm putting it in the mail today.

Any further contact with OW is a deal breaker.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

As far as talking to the OW, maybe you should have him talk to her so that she's not left hanging and he's got a sense of closure as well. That's gonna require you to do some heavy duty trusting, but I think this would be a great test.

I strongly disagree with this. All it will do is set his withdrawal "clock" back at 0:00.

The no-contact letter is her "closure."

Puppy

[pearlharbr]

Agreed Puppy. No contact, no way.

[sandycay]

Totally agree... he already told her... now he wrote her.... now she's a stalker.

My H OW tried to email him to the secret email... which I had forgotten about till about a month later.... 8 letters... none where open the email. I read them all and it was kinda funny, sad and pathetic but I knew by her tone there had been NC too.

Look PH you've been reading here for months about how to save a relationship etc.... he is new to the plan. he doesn't understand the verbage... he's a baby with this yet... you have to lead the way....

BTW... I gave my H 1 book after he came back called "after the affair" ... he never read it... I took at the time he wasn't really trying but that was not the truth.... it still sits in the nightstand and he hasn't read it but has done other things to show he was all in. So don't hang your hat on what YOU would do or need... his are different from yours.

[pearlharbr]

I've asked him to shut down the "secret" email and he is willing to do that but it's kind of a hassle to delete it. He did give me the password and I've set up blocks for her email addresses so I'm fine with that.

I'm not hung up on him reading a book or two, the issue is that he isn't doing anything to improve the sitch as far as I know. And I have told him this is my perception and asked him to tell me what he's doing to combat that perception if it's false, but he really hasn't done anything other than planning dates and spending time with me. And I think the book(s) would be right up his alley because he's an avid reader whereas I am not a reader at all. Books or couseling, I would be happy with either right now as a first step.

And I will try harder to keep in mind that he will process things differently and allow him to do so.

[MrBond]

Ah, I missed the part where he already talked to her about calling it quits.

In that case, don't have him talk to her. My bad.

Right now she's playing the role of the LBS.

[davidswife]

Pearl,

You haven't offended the women!

Did you decide what you're doing tonight?

[pearlharbr]

Thanks davidswife!

Need to hop in the shower right now then going to the concert. xBF will be fine playing in his poker tourney and wants me to go. And I really want to go, I've been looking forward to it!

[Kenn]

I love Karma She's awesome!