Setting Boundaries for MLC Alien H

[peacetoday]

In
I experienced a lot of irresponsibility with my XH especially when our D was going on
I tried to set boundries and encourage him to Be ADULT
but mine is like a rebellious teen and he would sometimes honor a boundry once then break it
so
You can try to nicely set limits especially where kids are concerned
but
dont expect anything
he is not the same now
his committment to you and your family is now changed
I have spent many times talking or listening to my kids about their pain regarding dad
I try to explain that Dad is doing the best he can
he is in crises
hopefully he will figure it out
we pray for dad
\my kids 7 and 13
are gently letting go
they still love him but they too dont expect to much from him especially the 13 year old
it is sad but out of my hands
I pray my kids will be ok and I sense they will have stuff but will overcome
you try your best to take care of you
and just be there for kids
my R with both my kids is so much better thanm while H was here
house is peaceful..calm and filled with Better energy
remember there is hope here no matter waht happens you will be better than befoire and your kids will have that
peace

[kjensen]

A few thoughts:
Don't bring up H and issues/concerns about him in front of boys.

Don't expect anything from H at this point-he's not reliable.

This may be an area to set a boundary for you-regarding what he needs to do if he is unable to fulfill a commitment.

Let your boys reaction to H be their own. A message of disappointment(or whatever they feel) that is sincere from a child has more power to affect a MLCer than anything you can come up with. Your boys need to feel empowered to express their feelings to your H. This is something I'm definitely learning as I go, with regard to my daughters.


Your anger regarding H not being there for his boys, is YOURS. IF the boys feel it, thats OK, but learn to separate what you feel about H's actions with boys, from how they feel.

Hang in there. Plan to be on your own for awhile. Expect nothing. Do something nice for yourself and your boys!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Limbo first thing is first...that was dream. Unless you are psychic...its your subconcious keeping you 'entertained' while short term memories are turned into long term ones. Letting a dream put you into a bad place...it is just a dream.

What are you going to do if it turns into a PA? That is something you should prepare yourself for.

Peace and Kjensen are giving you some great advice.

And if that sandi is the sandi I know then she is a good person to listen to as well.

MLc is a long hard walk, how are your shoes and feet?

[In Limbo]

Thanks so much guys! It's good to have some folks to talk with.

I don't talk about issues with H in front of the boys at all. In the past, I've made excuses for his bad behavior but I'm just tired of that. I do sometimes just say I'm not sure why Dad is that way/did that and encourage them to talk with him about it. Is that ok? H accuses me of "turning them against him" but he just won't face the fact that they are bright young men that have their own minds, thoughts, feelings. I am very careful about what I say around them and always try to be very positive about H around them.

If it turns into a PA, I'm not sure I could handle that. We were high school sweethearts, never been with anyone else. So, if it becomes PA then I think I would not want him in the house any longer and would want a formal legal separation. I'm leaning toward that at this moment anyway because I feel like he's already given her heart to her and it's becoming so painful to be around him. Until about a week ago we were getting along very well but now everything about me seems to be an irritant to him and he's so angry/short with me over nothing all of the sudden. Until I figure out how to detach more, that attitude is killing me. Not sure my shoes and feet are ready for the long hard walk of MLC. I'll certainly have to toughen up ALOT! Part of me wonders if he's trying to see if he can get me to react and wants me to ask him to leave. He keeps saying he doesn't want to be "that guy" and maybe if he can get me to ask him to leave permanently, then he can say "she is the one that kicked me out." Is that a typical MLC thing? Or am I mind reading????

I went to MC by myself since he couldn't make it. Our next appointment isn't for two weeks and if he doesn't go, I'll keep going for IC. The C is a proponent of marriage, but also of tough love. It's hard for me to know how tough love will impact a MLCer and what the difference is between boundaries and tough love. And what's the point of boundaries anyway if MLCer won't respect them? I guess boundaries are really for us LBS? The point at which we know we can't continue or must take action of some sort?

Sorry, know this is long and rambling. My concentration today isn't worth a dime and my thoughts are scattered.

After work, going to pick up my boys and do something. Maybe I'll take them to the Y and work out and then let them swim.

No expectations of hearing from H the rest of the week and actually don't want to talk with him. Too much going through my head to try to act "as if" and cheerful.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Boundaries...

No MLC is going to respect the boundaries at first, and because of that no LBS is really going to enforce the boundaries at first.

So for a while you learn what you can live with, vent and be a doormat. Really, you basically becoem a doormat for awhile all the validating and babysteps and no r talks or I love yous.

Boundaries come down the road, when you have some experience under your belt and some self respect... That sounds weird...let me just say that too much self respect and your not married, not at first. You're done and your seeking a divorce. Too much self respect at the cost of marriage respect...and yes I know he isn't respecting the marriage...well if he is in MLC he doesn't respect much of anything in this temporary insanity.

Boundaries come later. When you are able to live up to them and enforce them. You make one and cannot livee up to it...then you REALLY are a doormat and they don't fear your reprocussions.

You have to believe in MLC to make it through this though...many cannot, many don't believe in it and that's fine...I am pretty sure that those that don't believe in it are the ones that are no longer married. Not saying that if you do believe in it you will be...just saying it helps to believe that somehting is crushing their mind and morals in their crazy little head.

Read up on the resources at the top.

Telling your boys is fine, as long as you are doing it where they are not pawns.

[In Limbo]

JTB

Thanks for responding on boundaries. Aside from detaching, that's been my biggest issue/question/concern. Right now I don't think H respects anything or anyone or fears any repercussions other than maybe "looking bad."

I have a question. I seem to remember reading in DB that LBS need to get spouse to respect them. Is it different with MLCers? Because I would think being a doormat and not having a lot of self-respect would be counter to trying to get them to respect you. What are the DB principles that don't apply/are different when dealing with MLC?

Another question - when not initiating contact, GAL, etc. How should you address things that H said were big issues for him in the past. For example, he said I never just sat and watched TV with him, when I emailed it was just a "laundry list," and didn't keep him informed on what was going on with kids/family. So now do I make myself available to watch TV with him, send emails that are more than just the basic kid scheduling details, etc. Or is that pursuing?

What resources at the top are you referring to? Top of the forum? I'll take a look.

Aye, aye, aye...makin me crazy!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The LBS needs to have the respect of the spouse...but that doesn't happen for a while in MLC.

I believe that the techinques of DBing work in MLC...it just takes longer and is a bit different. Alot in some cases. That respect comes down the road, in piecing. Besides you can never demend that someone respect you...ok you can, but you'd be a fool to expect anyone to respect you just because they told you so...kind of like "trust me". : )

some issues on the laudry list must be taken care of later.
IF for example you never initate sex...and you guys aren't sleeping together, and he has made it clear he doesn't want too...he doesn't mean initiate sex with someone else.

You could try watching TV together but it might be an example of too litle too late in his head. We LBS tend to go overboard to make the MLCer happy and they see it for the trick it is...and it is.

Make changes for yourself, make good positive changes you want in you that might reflect the laundry list...or might not. You have time to kill...sorry to say a lot of time to kill use it to your advantage. The LBSers who figure that out quickly are the ones who do better mentally...ask anyone else in here. : )

[In Limbo]

Yep, H accused me early on of making changes just to please him. I know I was really guilty of that immediately post-bomb. But now that I've had more time for reflection, I think it's still true to some degree, but now I'm only making changes that I would also want to make for myself and also making some that are things he's never mentioned b/c I know they're things I need for ME. One of his complaints is that I'm not organized enough (he likes a spotless house, no clutter, closet organized by type of clothes and color, etc.). I've not really done anything in this area yet as it's not made the top of my list yet and it really would be just about trying to please H.

Opinion - H hasn't been calling the boys when he's gone. Should I encourage them to call him or would that be perceived as pushing/pursuing? I'm not sure when he says he needs time apart to "get his head straight" if that means just from me or from the boys too. What do you think?

BTW, do you have a thread? I'd love to know your sitch.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I think it might mean that he would like time to himself. I'd see it as pushing.

My thread is in the MLC archives, they are old and full of fluffy huggy bunny stuff. : )

[In Limbo]

So how did your sitch end up or are you still DBing? Wow, fluffy huggy bunny stuff....that must have been some kind of MLC...maybe MLC with lots of mind altering drugs or something?

S7 is having a breakdown right now. Better go try to resolve the issue. Man, sometimes it's so hard being the only parent. At least before bomb, even though H wasn't usually home I could still call him and talk. Now I feel like I've got nobody to discuss things like mundane kid stuff with. Guess I'll post here and talk to the dog.....