Setting Boundaries for MLC Alien H

[fisherman]

As far as boundaries go at first. I think I would start small. I need to catch up on your story. Most mlc'ers go through the whole anger thing. If that is happening, maybe work on that. Like saying " H, it's not ok to treat or speak to me that way." Then remove yourself and don't engage until he respects that.
Just an example, I'm not sure if that is going on or not.

I need to catch up.

[In Limbo]

He is not going through anger. We actually get along very well these days. We just don't have any emotional intimacy and he's said that he's 95% sure he doesn't want to work on the M, but he continues to be physically affectionate, initiate contact, express concern about me, etc. His anger "hot button" right now is me "snooping" which he defines as anything that causes me to ask questions - even if it's reviewing credit card bills that I've always reviewed. Other than fighting over that, I don't know that we've had a fight since bomb. He does get testy, but it's exhibited by being short when he speaks to me. No name calling, yelling, etc. In fact, he just called me on the way home (midnight my time) so I wouldn't worry (he had a DUI a couple of weeks ago and since then has made it a habit to call on his way home - not by my request). Told me he loves me. I choose to believe that's not a lie. Maybe not the love a H should have for a W, but I do think he still cares.

Now that I think about it, the best way I can communicate to him that I'm committed to our M is to continue to be here and show him changes, validate and not push him on R, OW or other questions. Right?

I'm really struggling with what type of realistic boundaries I should set and which ones I should keep to myself and which ones to communicate with H. I feel like I'm being really "needy" on the board right now. Sorry guys. I just want so much to handle this the right way.

[In Limbo]

Grace,

I think I need to remind myself daily how much power I have. It's easy to lose sight of and often hard to convince myself.

[fisherman]

Now that I think about it, the best way I can communicate to him that I'm committed to our M is to continue to be here and show him changes, validate and not push him on R, OW or other questions. Right?

That's right. If he gets a little "testy" give him space.

I'm really struggling with what type of realistic boundaries I should set and which ones I should keep to myself and which ones to communicate with H. I feel like I'm being really "needy" on the board right now. Sorry guys. I just want so much to handle this the right way.

That's why the board is here. For us to vent, ask questions, get support, and for me goof off from time to time. As J3B likes to put it we are all in this together, alone. Keep coming here.

[kjensen]

Hi IL,
Happy Mother's Day! Just caught up on your thread. A few thoughts..Setting a boundary of knowing when a PA happens probably won't get you the result you want- your H most likely will not tell you(MLCers get very comfortable lying) and if you found out later and he Didn't tell you, then you'd count it as one more lie...

Don't assume that once H's physical contact with you stops that he is no longer conflicted. My H still hugs me periodically/rarely but no other contact really and is still very much conflicted(I think).

My H and I told or girls together that H was moving out. Actually H told them while I sat there b/c I didn't want him to move out, I didn't want to be a hypocrite and say WE decided H was going to move out. I felt he should be the one to tell them of his decision. BTW, they had already both figured out that something was wrong/up..kids do pick up on stuff no matter how careful you think you are around them. But I think it was good we were both there, telling them nothing change how we felt about them...

Try not to snoop. It took me awhile and I still do very slight snooping(what websites he's visiting)..My snooping caused a lot of anger in my H. Once you know what you know (about the OW/EA)...the rest is just compulsive feeding the fire.. Even though a MLCer is NOT trustworthy-they don't like to think they aren't trustworthy-so it seems to me that things that make reality clash with their 'perception of reality' tend to cause anger and upset.

If your H is paying for things and you don't see a record-he may have another credit card or account-just a thought.

You seem on target with our thoughts on how to communicate your committment to your marriage-show(consistently), don't tell. Be supportive, no expectations, as lovingly detached as possible.

You are doing well!

[In Limbo]

Well, the great support I got on the board this weekend helped me to stop before I spoke too soon and took any action I would regret. I'm still reflecting on how to handle sitch with OW's H, but decided not to mention anything about boundaries to H and successfully avoided all R and OW talk all weekend (go me!) The weekend went really smoothly and IMO we did not have any disagreements and only one little bit tense moment. This morning I even got a chance to validate (I think). He mentioned something about how I was always negative (speaking about a situation in the past) and I said "Yes, you're right, I was way too negative and uptight. I can see how that was really hard to live with and I'm sorry. It's something I am working on now." No reaction really from him other than a little bit skeptical look, but no sarcastic comment and he didn't throw an example of recent negativity back at me, so I took that as positive.

I'm traveling 3 days this week, so he will just stay at the house this week. As much as I dreaded him coming home this weekend, I'm ok with him being here after this weekend going so smoothly. When he left this morning he asked if I wanted to meet up at the Y to exercise together. I guess it's a good sign that he wants to do something with me when he could just go by himself or go out instead? Baby steps?

Lovingly detached...so hard. I feel like every time I make a bit of progress (or at least fool myself into thinking I have?)...he comes home and we have some "good" days and I'm back holding on. But I will continue to let him initiate contact and give him his space.

[fisherman]

This morning I even got a chance to validate (I think). He mentioned something about how I was always negative (speaking about a situation in the past) and I said "Yes, you're right, I was way too negative and uptight. I can see how that was really hard to live with and I'm sorry.

Hey Great job!

It's kind of difficult to play tug of war when you let go of the rope. He was looking for you to defend yourself, and possibly argue with him. Then he could justify (in the mlc world) why he is doing all of this.

Keep it up.

[In Limbo]

One step forward and two steps back sometimes, but I do feel good about my actions this weekend.

Today I have learned that when he took the boys to shop for me for Mother's Day on Saturday, he also bought a purse and a watch that were not for me. I can only assume they are for OW. In addition to the hurt this creates, especially since our boys were with him when he made the purchase, I am again struggling with him spending our $ on OW. Not sure if I should just let it slide or if there is any way to bring it up.

Sometimes it just seems like every time I start to feel a little better about our chances, something hits me and knocks me back down. Any suggestions/thoughts?

[Grace_O]

Limbo,

Try not to assume about the purse and watch. Btw, did the boys just mention it in passing?

Your best chances are with you taking care of you and the boys. What does that mean to you?

HUGS

[In Limbo]

Grace,

Confession time - I went looking for the receipt for the earrings the boys got me (they are clip ons, not pierced type and thought I could swap them w/o hurting H's feelings) and found the purse and a tiny watch. OW has tiny wrists and I do not, so I know it's not for me. The bag was from same store my earrings came from so I know when he bought them. Was I snooping, not originally, but when I saw the bag I could have just left it alone. It's like a sick compulsion the desire for information that only hurts me. On the other hand, I pray for wisdom and discernment so how do I know if God's revealing stuff for a reason? Man, I'd love just one day of really detaching and not giving a rip what H does, how things turn out.

On one level, I think I know what taking care of the boys and myself means (physically). However, I still struggle with what that means emotionally. I waffle back and forth between is it best to keep standing for my marriage or is that demonstrating the wrong thing to the boys, to myself and to H(doormat). I tend to be a person that avoids conflict and be too self-sacrificing (H has accused me in the past of always being the martyr/the victim). How do I know if it's my pride making me think standing for my M is not what I should do (thoughts like how can I allow him to do this to me, to make a fool of me, to play me/use me/manipulate me) or if it's really time to stop standing or if it's time to do something in between (like ask H for a more formal separation)? How do I know if he'sMy goodness, I bet if I go back and look through my posts it's not even like a roller coaster, but more like a yo-yo.

Enough whining, now I'll journal some positives:
Celebrating 38 lbs lost and counting PLUS now exercising at least 3 times/week!
Laughing more often, smiling more - even if it's at strangers :), reading lots, liking who I'm becoming (most days).
Still need more GAL activities, but this is a positive start.