Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[pearlharbr]

wow...talk about breaking the mold.... I know a lot of male friend who can't do that much

Plus I watch sports and sci fi movies. And have a kick ass shoe collection. Yes, I am quite the all around catch! Now it's up to xBF to realize that and do what he can to keep me. If not, I know there are others who will appreciate all I have to offer.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hiya Pearl!

That's it . . . just "hiya."

Puppy

[Kenn]

Sci Fi is huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now can you go to a comedy club and laugh at the jokes only the guys get ??????????????


sounds like the BF is finally starting to realize what he lost.

[pearlharbr]

Hi Puppy! Have another WA wine for you to try. Not my old company but something I'm drinking these days. "House Wine" red blend. It's a white label with a drawing of a house on it. Good bottle.

Kenn, I do go to comedy clubs and laugh at most guy jokes, but I am still a woman and as such do not appreciate all male humor. But I think I more than make up for that in other areas!

In other news...

It feels like xBF and I are friends, but that's all. I enjoy hanging out but still have no desire to kiss him or anything more. Ok, I do miss the cuddling, but nothing more. Could be partly due to my low testosterone levels. But I'm nervous about fixing that problem. I don't want my raging hormones to sway my decisions.

I just got home from going out with xBF for Cinco de Mayo. I feel a little bad because I basically made him take me out. He mentioned it this afternoon but then when I talked to him after dance he said he wanted to bail and just go home because he's been working a lot the past week and was still at work at 9. So I said I'd just go out by myself because I was all wound up from 1.5 hours of dance. He sighed and said he'd just leave work then and pick me up. I know he was trying to be responsible and finish his work and head to bed. But I did make a crack about thinking he thought I was the one who never wanted to go out. He said no, only half the time, the other half it was him. We ended up going to a Mexican restaurant we've been to once before and had a couple margaritas and an order of taquitos.

Now I'm crashing after my long day so I'm off to bed.

[Kenn]

Comedy clubs are awesome and I don't even laugh at all the guy jokes.

One of the wildest was when we saw the guy from Full House. He came out and shocked just about everyone.... it was worse for me because I had seen him on America's Funniest Videos the night before and he just doens't seem like the kind of guy that cusses LOL!

sorry about the feelings with the xBF... I think I know what your're talking about. The cuddling is nice because it's closeness to another person but the other affection takes time and when someone kills it ...well I think about it in my sitch and wonder if I would feel it at this point ...so I appreciate what you are going through.

[pearlharbr]

Journal:

I'm scared that I'm just letting myself slip back into old patterns. It's been so long since "normal" life that it's nice to have that feeling back. But is this what I really want or is it just comfortable and familiar? Can I really have a future with someone who betrayed me so heartlessly? I know everyone is human and makes mistakes, but this isn't telling me I look fat in a dress or not standing up for me to his mother. This is beyond anything I ever imagined. If you always assume you will walk away from any cheater you are not prepared to walk the path of reconciliation and forgiveness. And the longer I go without knowing if I can do that the more I wonder if I'm just dragging my feet because deep down I know I can't.

Yesterday, for the first time, I felt like I wanted to make it work. We're having fun. Not quite as good as when we first got together because that included lots of affection and physical contact. But that's increasing a bit. When we watch tv I'm laying against him and he puts his arm around me. He smells good and we bring up old jokes that haven't been mentioned in over a year.

And at these times, when we're relaxed and smiling, it's like everything is ok. But then I want to shake myself and remind myself that it is NOT ok. He had an affair. It wasn't a one night stand. When I found out he wasn't sorry and he didn't stop. He flaunted his indescretion in front of people who know me. He f*cked that whore in my house. How can it ever be ok again? How can I respect myself if I act like everything is ok? How can he respect me if I don't respect myself?

[goingtofixME]

PH,

I wrestle with the same thoughts even though I don't have a chance in hell of my H wanting to reconcile. I don't know what to tell you other than I wish you peace in your heart and mind. It took you time to fall in love with him before and it will take you time to fall in love again. Trust isn't something that is easily earned back after something like this, but there will come a time when you will trust again. Who is to say if it's him or someone else. All we have is our past to learn from, our present to live in, and a future that changes according to what we have happen in our lives on a daily basis. You are a very strong woman. You will go on.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How can it ever be ok again? How can I respect myself if I act like everything is ok? How can he respect me if I don't respect myself?

Pearl,

I can empathize with your struggle, I really can. Based on my own experience, I would only tell you:

1. You don't need to act like everything's okay in order to reconcile.

2. He WON'T respect you if you don't respect yourself.

3. Agreeing to reconcile and work on the relationship does NOT necessarily have to equate to "Pearl doesn't respect herself."

How can it ever be OK again? Here's the secret:

IT CAN'T -- not within the paradigm of the OLD relationship. That one's dead, and while you both did things that made it ill, his decision to have an affair finally killed it.

But you CAN build an entirely NEW relationship, one that's based on a "new Pearl" and a "new xBF". Whether or not those two are compatible remains to be seen. But thousands of others have done it. It requires a ton of hard work and forgiveness, but it CAN be done, and the BEST news is, that many, many people report that the NEW relationship is far better than the OLD one.

Puppy

[Sam1007]

Agree 100% with PDT! It's NEW relationship. You start anew and due to your (hopefully) deepened understanding of each other, it has the potential to be much better than the old R. But, as said before, it will take time to earn/gain the trust back.

[pearlharbr]

Thank you goingtofixME, Puppy and Sam.

I know it's going to take time. I know it needs to be a new relationship. But it's not the same as a new relationship with another person. With someone new there wouldn't be this crisis to overcome from the start. Could something just as bad happen? Of course, but that's not the starting point. I know I will never forget and I fear that I will never truly forgive.

When we had our R talk last week we discussed that what we both learned is that we can't be afraid to be completely honest with each other. If the R can't handle the honesty then it isn't meant to be. So I know that if we can make it through the hard work it will be a much better R. That's still a big "if" in my mind.

Last night xBF came over for dinner. I've had a headache since Sunday so it was a low key evening. When he was leaving he said ILY for the first time (verbally) since October. I just smiled and said good night. I thought about it for a while. I must love him somewhere inside, otherwise I wouldn't be willing to go through all this. But I am not ready to say it, I still feel too vulnerable right now.

Tonight is supposed to be dance classes but still sick from headache. (Puppy, I think you mentioned sinus problems that make you sick to your stomach. That's exactly what happens to me when the barometric pressure changes significantly.) Tomorrow night I go to dinner and a show with my gf. xBF is going back to his home state for a week on Saturday so we have plans to get together Fri night. I think next week will give me some breathing room to see where I stand.