If you wife is one who responds well to a manly, direct, dominant approach, then staying in that #3 - $4 territory you mentioned is a good thing for you. My wife is the same way: if I am wishy-washy in my approach, if I leave too much 'optional' for her, then it turns her off. I have to generally be direct, demanding, and passionate to turn her on. At the same time, she does keep ultimate veto power with regard to her own body with a specific 'initiation' (this -really- means no!) safe word, which I absolutely respect.
-IF- this is what works for your wife then you can simply text her: "I'll be home early at 2 PM. Be in our bed, naked, and ready for me." I've done that before, and it's been a fun game for both of us. IF my wife hasn't complied, I don't get mad, I grab her by the wrist and take her upstairs anyway to "punish" her and "have my way" anyway. You have to treat it as play, and a game, especially if this approach is all new to the both of you.
Another option is to send nothing. Just walk quietly in the door early from work, scoop her up, and ravish her. Be silently demanding and passionate. Sweep her off her feet.
No matter what you do, do it with CONFIDENCE and SELF-ASSURANCE. No faultering permitted. Be The man and make her feel like a woman.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Just sent "Going to bust it through lunch and will be home at 2 PM. Be in our bed, naked or in lingerie of your choice, and ready for me. I won't be late..."
Much to my delight, I received a message requeting 2:30 as the time because she has to pick up our dog at 2.
CB (lining up for a 2:30 field goal attempt...)
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
The "vibe" I get from your posts is one of mentally "leaning" on your wife to "guarantee" that whenever you initiate (and no matter how), she will say yes. You want the "security" of a wife that will agree to sex once you intiate, and you counter-balance that with a Nice Guy subtext: "I will only initiate when I think you are in the mood".
You probably feel justified in this mindset, because there is a history of rejection and crappy excuses by her, which have probably hurt your ego. On the face of it that's a understandable and reasonable.
But such an approach IMO (and experience):
(1) Undersells your own desire and ability as a man to get the sex you want. (2) Makes for piss-poor initations and crappy sex.
I think I can understand that mindset and the bad sex it leads to, because it creeps back into my head quite often too. But I now see it for the "intruder" it is.
CB, you quite simply have to "rip up" the past (that includes the recent 8 week dry spell) and your associated resentment and insecurity and thus need for "guarantees" from your wife. All any of that does is hold you back and inhibit your passion in "the moment".
You have to get into the "here and now". What is your body and your desire telling you? If you want to go home early and ravish your wife senseless, then own those feelings and just "go for it". Text her and get on with it. Stop overthinking and pussyfooting. Start letting your male passion really show in this marriage. You need to start consistently letting your wife know she's living with a man that "wants" to have sex with her.
Not "needs" her, but "wants" her. That's the important distinction. Need is weak and unattractive. Want is strong and attractive, can handle rejection, but will ultimately leave if met with consistent disinterest.
That "I want you" dynamic is what you must consistently cultivate. And for it to work - it must be authentic - you must really mean it. That's where ripping up your past resentments is important. If you're still harbouring them at "the moment" of intiating sex, you're basically sabotaging yourself - setting yourself up to fail. And that's your problem not hers.
This is what I have had to do in my own marriage - really summon up passion/ courage "in the moment" and just totally go for it in a big way. It doesn't always work, but when it does the ML is so much better.
You are in touch with your feminine side, right? Try this exercise - thinking of yourself as a woman - what kind of qualities in/ initiation by a man would you find most attractive?
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
In future, try leaving out the OR statement. If you want her naked, tell her to be naked. If you want her in lingerie, tell her to be in lingerie. It's part of the D/s play and the turn-on for her.
But again, a great step on your part!
It literally took me months of self-work to get to the point of being able to make such a move, with confidence and enjoyment. And that was -after- I had gotten through my constant SSM anger, bitterness, and resentment stage (the one that lasted near-on 20 years....). Keep good, horny thoughts all the way home and don't naysay or doubt either -her- or -you-. To quote Michele: Just Do It!
Enjoy the afternoon!
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Went home on Wednesday at 2:30. W had just gotten home as well and wasn't naked in bed. She asked if we could do a quickie on the bathroom counter (btw, this was fun and exciting the first time or two, but I prefer the bed) and I said no and got in bed. She came to bed and complied (and after 8 weeks it was going to be a quickie no matter what) but I felt good that I hadn't wussed out about the bed. Next time I will be even more demanding on her following instructions as written, but this was definitely a positive change.
Thursday I left for Vegas with my Dad and returned yesterday. She started her job again today after 6 weeks of leave, so we are both highly scheduled and she is very stressed out. I have a vasect this Friday, so need to still try to "fit one in" this week and may come back for more advice. Thanks again.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Dude, keep making those moves. The suggestive sticky notes on the bathroom mirror work wonders too. Cool that you are joining the "vas club" just be prepared for waiting at least 3 months before feeling totally "normal" again. It's not that things don't work right away (I was ready for sex again after only about 10 days). It's just that you have misc. odd sensations for a while.
The worst part for me was having to go twice for semen sampling before I was cleared. I was so worried for that month between samples thinking I'd have to go through some "exploratory surgery" down there to figure out why I reconnected. I was so happy the day I got the "all clear". It does really make ML much more enjoyable not to worry anymore. I wish I hadn't waited so long to do it. I chickened out about 9 years ago, I even had surgery scheduled.
Had a good news event last Wed. Brought my W flowers during the day Wed and had really been making an effort on some other fronts (making sure to go to bed at the same time, giving her kisses and love taps throughout the day, helping with the household chores as much as possible). Was on the phone Wed after getting home from work and noticed lingerie hanging on a hook in our bathroom. This was a signal I asked for around Christmas time, and it was for her to let me know not only when, but depending on the style, what she was in the mood for. She had a style hanging that told me she was in the mood for a "medium" wild session. I was still on the phone when I came out of our room and gave her a thumbs-up and we had a nice one that night.
Friday I was snipped and she took the kids out of town until last night. Still feel like someone kicked me in the nuts an hour ago, but today feeling a bit more normal. These guys I read about who feel like mowing the lawn the next day are a complete mystery to me as I couldn't get the frozen peas on me enough this weekend. It will be worth it, it will be worth it, it will be worth it...
W leaves for 3 weeks this weekend and doubt at this point I will be ready by then. Next weekend I go to visit her and should be by then.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Quick question. It will be a week tomorrow and when I stand up or sit down it still feels like an hour ago someone kicked me in the family jewels. When does this go away?
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
