How do I not let this control my every thought?

[Travis]

Just wondering on some ideas to keep this from dominating everything I do. I found out my wife was having an affair on 03/11. Confronted her. She denied and started bringing up every small thing I've done in the last 11 years. Said she wanted out. We had never even had a discussion of the possibility of us splitting up. I'm sure it's the fact that she was "busted". Well, on 04/11 she said she needed to go to her dad's to have someone to talk to and her and our boys would be back in a few hours. She called later and said they wouldn't be coming home again. This is the short version of it all, but I believe it's over and she's even been taking my boys to her boyfriends and spending the night. She even had the nerve to bring her boyfriend's mother with her to pick up the boys on Mother's Day. It takes two to make it work and she has no desire, so I believe it's really over. My question is, how do I not let these thoughts dominate every minute of every day. The only time I don't think about it is when my kids are here, which is not nearly enough. We're going through all the attorney b.s. right now, so there are a lot of hard feelings. I even e-mailed her last night, since we can't talk about things, and told her no matter what she felt for me, I didn't want the boys to suffer. She wouldn't let my son go to baseball practice, I'm the coach of his team, yesterday. Baseball is his favorite thing in the world right now. I told her we are both parents and would always be their parents and we should come to an understanding about the boys. The e-mail I got back said, "When is a convenient time for me to come get my personal items? I need to know so I can rent a moving truck?" I'm not going to lie down and let her just take everything and dominate all activities with my boys. They are what I'm fighting for and I explained to her in the e-mail that we are going to have several disagreements over the weeks/months/years ahead, but the boys should always come first.
I'm tired of thinking about this all the time. The mental anguish starts to affect me physically (I've lost 23 lbs in 5 weeks and I was maybe only 10 lbs overweight). Please, any advice on how to deal with this all would be greatly appreciated.

[lost_in_space]

Travis,

Sorry to see you here, but you have come to a place where you will get good advice and people that can be a sounding board - we have been there.

There are others with more experience than me, but I suggest the first thing you do is protect yourself. You have an attorney - make sure all of your rights are protected.

What do you want? You say it is over, but is that what you want to happen? That information will help.

I totally understand how this dominates your entire thoughts - I too lost weight - 25 pounds in a couple weeks. You need to take care of yourself. Having said that, here I am 15 months post exposure and I am still being railroaded with things and without any agreement not a darn thing I can do about it. I say that to show you there to buckle up - it is a rollercoaster ride and a long one at that.

Not what we signed up for but nothing we can do - except be the best we can be for our kids and ourselves.

[Travis]

Lost,
It's hard for me to answer the question of if D is what I want. I'm sure this will sound like so many others on here, but my wife is a totally different person. She used to be the most caring, unselfish person I know. Whether it be me, the kids, our family members, friends, she always put everyone else first. I'm sure that's where a lot of this is coming from. She probably gave too much and received too little. What frustrates me is that she says she's been miserable for a long time and just never had the strength to leave. Her boyfriend and friends gave her the confidence she needed to leave. Hmm, imagine that. I disagree with a lot of this, though. I started a new job and the month before she left she bought me a big new computer desk to give me some organization. A month before leaving we bought her a new vehicle with both our names on it. Everything was fine until the day I found those phone calls to/from OM, which was 03/11. The first phone call was 02/25. Hours upon hours of texts and phone calls in those 15 days. The only reason I even noticed them was because my phone bill was higher than normal and I examined to figure out why. She didn't have a texting plan on her phone and there was 60 some texts to this one number in 15 days. I checked the phone records. Hours of calls starting on 02/25 to the same number. I called the number, praying a woman would answer. A man's voice. My heart sank to my stomach. When she got home I asked her if she was seeing someone. She said no, as she looked away as she said it. I knew deep down right then, when she couldn't even look me in the eye, that it was true. I asked her who's phone number that was. She told me it was one of her girlfriends from work. I told her I had called it and it was a guy. She said, oh yeah, that's one of my other friends at work. We just call and talk about our kids. Right! Well, the arguing started and she proceeded to bring up every small or large thing I've done for 11 years. Defense mode, I'm sure. Well, from that day on she's never been the same. This caring, giving wife and mother has been the most evil, vindictive, lying person I know. I hadn't found this site, so, of course, I did the begging and pleading and whatever else I shouldn't have done. Of course this just pushed her away further. She left on 04/11. Filed an ex-parte order on 04/13 (which was dropped before even going to court). Filed for D on 04/21.
So, it's hard for me to say what I want. If I could have my wife that I married back, sure, I would do anything. If this is who she is now, I don't think I could ever take her back. I'm willing to take my share of blame in this. I was gone a lot over the last 6-7 years for work, wasn't the best communicator, didn't say I love you enough, etc. But I tried to get her to work on us before walking away, if for no other reason, we owed it to our boys to try every last option before D. She told me to get it through my head, she didn't want to work it out. And I have a daughter, 12, from my first marriage that has thought of my wife as a 2nd mother since she was little. We got together when she was less than a year old. She even called my wife Mom. I told her she had to consider if she walked away, she was losing a daughter in this. It's not like she's gonna come hang out at my house every other weekend when I have my daughter. She said she knew the consequences and was doing it anyway. That's the only positive in this, is that it has brought me and my daughter even closer as we try to deal with this together.
So, yeah, I want my family back, but if this is truly who my wife is, then I think there is absolutely no chance.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Travis,

I'm sorry you're here, and what you're having to go thru. I know it won't make you feel any better, but your wife is displaying all of the classic "script" signs of a woman who starts having an affair. I'm not excusing her behavior, or her decision -- that is on her alone -- but do NOT think that this is "the real her" -- it's not.

Something happens to our brains when we fall in love, or even lust. Physiologically, the brain gets awash in endorphines and "love chemicals" and these things even show up on CAT scans. It's the same thing that made an otherwise sane, intelligent adult female astronaut drive across country WEARING AN ADULT DIAPER, just so she wouldn't have to make bathroom stops while she drove to Florida to avenge her man.

Your wife is very likely addicted to the rush of this affair right now, and if you can think of her as an addict, it will help you not only understand her sad, bizarre behavior, but it will help you keep your love for her while you try to deal with it.

Who all knows about the affair at this point?

Puppy

[Yoyowife]

Travis,
So sorry you are going through this. Right now you are going to have to back off. No amount of reasoning or pleading is going to reach her. Believe me I speak from experience. I'm sure there are lots of others on here that would tell you the same thing. She only sees what she wants to see right now, perhaps she is even rewriting history. You are going to have to open the "cage" door and let her see what's out there. Sometimes it will work and the WAS will see what they are missing and sometimes they won't. But as I see it right now you have no choice. However, do talk to a lawyer and see what your legal rights are as far as your possessions and the kids are.

The only thing you can do right now it to concentrate on your kids and yourself. Yes, I know easier said than done, but this situation will continue to consume you if you don't stay busy.

I found that AD's did calm me alot. They helped me to get back to somewhat normal. I was once able to concentrate on my kids, my job, and my life. No, they are not a fix all, but they did help me to calm down and help me get control of my life.

I have made lots of common mistakes and I'm no better off than I was two years ago. I'm hoping that others can learn from my mistakes.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I found that AD's did calm me alot. They helped me to get back to somewhat normal. I was once able to concentrate on my kids, my job, and my life. No, they are not a fix all, but they did help me to calm down and help me get control of my life.

Ditto!!!

[DCBHM]

I took Tylenol PM for like a week before bed. After a week's worth of uninterrupted rest I was able to concentrate a lot better.

The constant obsessive ruminating over my W's A ceased as well. Emotional distance is key.

[Travis]

Puppy,
Most everyone knows about it. She works with the guy and several of our friends work at this place. My family, her family. One week after moving out, only 5 weeks after discovery, she started taking my kids to his house. She even brought his mother with her to pick up my kids on Mother's Day. So everyone pretty well knows. She doesn't seem to care. We live in a small, rural community, so word travels fast. Another hard part is that my wife and mother were best friends for 10 years. My mother's not one to hold back words and she acts like she's mad now, but I know she's hurt more than mad.
Funny you say addict. I guess the stress of knowing what she was doing was taking it's toll on her. She lost around 20 lbs before I found out and she didn't have 20 to lose. Add to that her bizarre behavior and I actually asked her if she had gotten mixed up in drugs. I told her if so, fine, we'd get help and work it out. Now I know it was just the guilt eating her up. She and my boys moved in with her dad. The same dad that lives 45 minutes away and came saw my boys only about once a year.
I still haven't been good about staying detached. I go a couple days without contacting, but I miss my boys and wife. I call to talk to the boys and the only way I can do that is by calling her. I know I need to do better, but my boys have been here every day of my life. It's so hard only seeing them every other weekend and one day a week. Attorney is working on temporary custody now because she's been taking the boys to OM's and spending the night. He says it's a long shot, but we have to do it for the boy's sake. The are going to be messed up in this enough as is. The 7 year old is old enough to be hurt by this. The 4 year old doesn't really understand right now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

This is WAY too damned soon for a mother to be exposing her young sons to her boyfriend. That's got to be horribly confusing to them, at best, and it's ABUSIVE, at worst.

Hopefully, your atty can help with that. Most agree that 6-12 months is a minimum amount of time, post-S/D, for the children to be exposed to that.

Is the OM married?

Puppy

[Travis]

Don't know if this clarifies any, but my wife had been a stay at home mom for 4 years before going back to work. It kills me because she had only been at her new job for right at 3 months when the first phone call started. I know she got a new group of friends that I didn't know, but how does a person throw away 11 years for someone they've known 3 months?