How do I not let this control my every thought?

[Travis]

OM has been divorced 3 times. He has 3 kids.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So he's not currently married? Might he have a current GF to whom you could expose?

He sounds like a real winner.

[Travis]

current GF is my wife. He has custody of two of his kids. They are autistic, the oldest about 15 is severely autistic and abusive. I know two teachers that worked at her school that quit because of her. She broke one's nose and one's arm. Definitely not where I want my 4 and 7 year olds to be. She's already told me and our school's principal and everyone else that my boys will be going to school in the town where he lives next school year.
I'd be surprised if their R lasts, maybe it will. As I said, don't see how you give up 11 years for someone you've known 3 months.

[Travis]

There is one other thing that drives me crazy and it's what's making this so hard. Sure, me and my wife had our issues like every couple. But we have a close knit group of friends that we always hang out with. Our marriage was one that all my other friends were jealous of. I know for a fact, because they told me, that two of my friends asked their wife why they couldn't be more like my wife and me. That's how good our marriage was, or I thought it was. I have 3 couples that are re-evaluating their M now because they all thought we had the best marriage out of all of us

[RedHeadWife]

The fact that she had been a stay at home mom and had just gone back to work explains a LOT, I think.

I can imagine that after staying at home and taking care of the kids and then being in a work environment with other peers would be great for her. All of a sudden, she has "friends" and a man who is telling her how wonderful she is and she sees this "new life" she can make for herself and it looks a heck of a lot better than what she has right now.

I agree with everyone else that your main focus right now should be the boys. You need to get your boys back with you if you can. Not only is she taking them to the BF's house and spending the night, but there is potential abuse there from his autistic children.

I understand how it is when the whole situation completely consumes your life and you can't think about anything else. That will "calm down" after awhile.

I think if you can just focus on the boys and protecting them and yourself in the ensuing D, that gives you a specific focus so that the entire sitch isn't overwhelming you all the time.

[Travis]

I know and understand all you are saying. I now have a better understanding of why she left. I have to take responsibility for allowing us to lose communication and letting us both forget who our best friend was when our marriage started.
What I don't understand is how marriage can be such a disposable thing. How do you just throw it away without trying to fix it? She says she tried fixing it on her own for several years. I know it's all just her excuse for finding OM, but it doesn't make it any easier. I know SO many people that have far worse marriages and problems than we have and they have done whatever it took to try to work it out.
Using the kids to get back at me is the most pathetic scheme that is going on. My son had a baseball game Friday night. Got rained out after the first batter. As we were leaving I told my wife that he had practice Sunday. She said okay. I called Sunday at noon to remind her. She informed me he wouldn't be going. I asked why and she said I didn't tell her and she made other plans. I said, yes, I had told her. She said, "Well, I'm just letting you know he won't be there." I made the mistake of sending her an e-mail that night letting her know that no matter what she thought of me, I didn't want the boys to be used as ammunition. I probably screwed up by also telling her I had made the conscious decision not to hate her anymore. I had made the decision it wouldn't hurt so bad if I just hated her instead of loving her. It doesn't work that way. It just took more work. I let her know that, be it 6 months or 20 years, we had two boys to raise together and if she ever found herself in a bad place, I would never turn my back on her and be an ear that would listen.
I know I shouldn't have done it, but the e-mail was originally about the baseball and in the middle of it I decided I was done being so angry at what she's doing.
I'm going to focus on the boys now, baseball practice tonight, (she says he'll be there). I just hope the boys don't continue to be ammunition to use against me.
Thanks for all the advice

[karen43]

Hey, Travis, glad to see your thread! There are some great people here!

The OW in my case is going to be D 3 times also, once she gets a divorce from her current husband. Her kids are nightmares I've been told by those that know her. I imagine all the stress the kids have gone through and the lack of attention from their mom prob. contributed to that. I have 2 autistic children and they are both very sweet, good kids.

Re: your wife. I've noticed my H has been very spaced out and almost kind of dumb in some ways. I know I've read here often that As lower the WAS several IQ points, and I have to say I think that's true from what I've seen. My H would freq. say I hadn't told him stuff, we'd have had a several hours argument over something and he wouldn't remember it. Luckily, I have a C and I would talk to her about this and she would validate that I was correct in remembering stuff. I think their brains don't work really well. I've learned to email my H everything so I have a record and he can't say I didn't tell him something.

Also, I think you should drop any talk about Rs or how you don't hate her anymore. First of all, that means you did hate her, and she also prob. doesn't even care that much about you right now. WAS are very self-centered and mostly think about themselves. Focus on you and your boys, and eventually down the road, your W may regain her sanity or not, but you will be better off either way. Karen

[Travis]

I'm just afraid if I e-mail, she will say, "well, I didn't check my e-mails today." So I call to remind her. I'm not trying to have contact with her, I just want to make sure she knows what's going on and has no excuses. I think about just letting her forget/play dumb or whatever, but then it's the boys that suffer if she doesn't get them where they're supposed to be.
I live in the country and one day I was supposed to see my boys and told my wife to have the oldest get off the bus at the sitter's and I would have my mom pick him up because she would be off work before me. I get a call from the school saying the bus driver is sitting in my driveway to let my son off the bus and no one is home. I'm 45 minutes away working! I call the WAW and tell her son was supposed to get off at sitters. She says that's not what I told her. Luckily, my daughter was standing right there when I told her two days before and was my witness. I feel like telling her sometimes to get her head out of her @## and focus on taking good care of these boys if she wants custody so bad. But so far I have done a good job of restraining. I just write down every stupid episode and give it to my attorney.

[karen43]

I'm just afraid if I e-mail, she will say, "well, I didn't check my e-mails today." So I call to remind her. I'm not trying to have contact with her, I just want to make sure she knows what's going on and has no excuses.

That's kind of like you are her parent or something. Email her the info and keep a copy for yourself. It's her responsibility to read her email and do what needs to be done. If she wants custody, you could document if she isn't doing so. Plus no contact is better for you as well, and your PMA.

Karen

[kat727]

I am sorry that you find yourself here but I have to admit having all of these wonderful people to talk to has been the difference in my life today.

I know I was depressed once ex filed for divorce and trying to stop it was on my mind constantly along with several of the thoughts you are having. I came here and told my story and my counselor could tell the difference in me in just a few weeks.

You may never understand how your wife could do this, she probably doesn't really know herself but she most likely will call it love. It isn't but she needs to validate what she feels and this is the "accepted" answer.

We each contributed in some way to the problems of our marriage and really who doesn't? But never did they earn the right to cross the line and have an affair. You didn't cause that or make her do it...she did it on her own.

The best things for you to do right now are to take care of yourself and look after the best interests of your kids. This sounds hard but you need to start working on the things that make you happy, make you a better person and a better Dad. Take the "spotlight" off of her and put it on yourself and your kids.

Keep posting. You CAN do this.

kat