I am determined to blow the SSM curve (10% success rate ) and be one of those success stories too. It may take a separation to get her on board but damnit, if that's what it takes, I'll do it. I know I can get through to her.
I'm so tired of the reactionary involvement of Mrs. Cinco. "Well I guess I'd better put out or he'll leave me." I want her thinking about and enjoying sex for herself.
I am doing my part. I am cooking meals now! Who would have ever thought that Cinco would be in the kitchen cooking. I'm bringing home the paycheck again. The Cinco family is in great financial shape thanks to me. We are about to buy a slightly used car for D with cash! I'm no longer angry.
Am I in a covert contract expecting something in return when I shouldn't? I tell her what I want. Over and over I let her know I want connection and passion with her...
Dragging her to MC or ST now would be like trying to take an alcoholic to AA who still doesn't think he has a drinking problem.
I am not giving up but what I have been doing isn't working either. Now what?
I wish I could post more. These days I only have about a 1 hour window in the evenings and most nights there is something else going on so not much time.
Update:
Saturday night I turned down "chore sex". We ended up going to bed late which happens most Saturdays. When I initiated W said, "We just did something a couple of nights ago. Can you make this quick? It's so late and I'm really tired."
I said, "Never mind then" and rolled over to go to sleep.
W - "Is anything wrong? You aren't mad are you?"
5 - "No, if you are too tired then I don't want to either."
I was disappointed but there is nothing new about that. I've felt this way for so long now. I just went to sleep, a little disappointed but not angry. I don't want to feel that way anymore though. I'm so tired of ML still being the lowest priority.
Mrs. Cinco has been laid off from her job and is overjoyed about that. She does have another job in the works which will be part-time with better hours. Honestly I don't think this will change anything for the R though. She'll be happier which is good so what more can I ask for.
I wish I could say we are actively working on our R but we aren't. We are just settling back into her comfy routine and I'm wishing for passion that isn't there. I don't know what lies ahead. Part of me wants to just walk out and seek what I desire. Another part of me feels the comfort of being with my W whom I know so well and wants to stay and just settle for what I have. Just give up the fight.
Sure we have been ML just about once a week now. It's just a chore still for her and there is no change of that in sight.
Just when I'm feeling about as low as I can about our SL, Mrs. Cinco surprises me. Last night she initiated some genuine snuggling with me. This is very rare as I am the one who initiates any kind of touching like 99.999% of the time. So anyway one thing leads to another and we ended up ML.
Just when I least expect it she does what I have been dreaming of. She really enjoyed our togetherness and was so much into what we were doing (position #1 and missionary are fav's for us as well as some ML side by side with lots of kissing). Even better was when we both climaxed, she didn't leap up to get dressed and go to sleep. We laid together in each other's arms and cuddled for a long time afterwards.
I wrote a note, to give her tonight, telling her how much I enjoyed last night and how it is what I had been dreaming about and hoping for. That our love would only continue to grow with many more nights like this one and even better ones.
------
All I can think of is that has changed is that I have stopped trying so hard. It has taken the pressure off of her and she can relax into me. Only when I had dropped the rope and stopped pulling so hard did she feel right with me. Even the way that I turned down chore-sex Saturday. It didn't matter to me whether we ML or not, I didn't care one way or the other.
Maybe she is just so happy that her crappy job is ending? I'm happy and baffled at the same time. Gosh I hope this lasts. My attitude has changed this year. I'm not resentful and angry any longer. Maybe she sees that I really do want for us to have a happy life together.
That is all I have ever wanted for us, to be happy in our life together.
Your emotional mood swings always make me smile, because I can identify with them. I tend to do the same thing if I'm not careful: going from anger and despair on one day, thinking that the relationship is doomed and will never work; to that wonderful, after-sex, "afterglow" bliss on the next day, with everything right in the world and the relationship...strangers smile at you and songbirds happily perch on your shoulder on the way in to work...
If your wife is truly a Type 6, then her biggest need from you will be security and stability. So if you want her to continue meeting your Type 7 needs for connection, intimacy, and shared experiences, then you have to give her the solid, secure, platform from which to do that. I can identify here, also being married to a 6, and being a somewhat volatile, moody Type 4 (I mistyped myself earlier as a 3, over on my thread).
So enjoy your afterglow, but also recognize that it is fleeting -- the hard work that you've taken on in rebuilding your relationship continues.
Alright, I'll stop raining on your parade now.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Lucky - I wish it had been electric, it was more like a mild tingle. One thing to report, Saturday night we finally tried the K-Y Liquibeads that Jayce recommended (Thanks Jayce!). For the ladies approaching or in menopause, these are great. One of our problems has been Mrs. Cinco's waning lubrication (and her not doing anything about it). We have been using Liquid Silk, which we like, but you can still only lube so much externally and on me. The Liquibeads are inserted so do more than what we have tried so far.
I had bought the Liquibeads myself a couple of weeks ago and it took me that long to work up the nerve to give them to her and suggest trying them. I had suggested getting these a while back and she brought home another K-Y product instead (Yours & Mine). Other than that I have been the one doing all of the buying and trying of the various lubes.
I shouldn't complain, at least she does try them and seems to like that I am concerned about her comfort.
Anyway it was a nice night although we started too late as usual.
Bagheera - I really do think that our wives are similar in many ways. Especially trying to show them affection when they are saying, "Can't you see I'm busy right now?" The biggest difference that I know of is that Mrs. Cinco lacks the strength and confidence that Mrs. B. has from what you have told about her.
It's funny that Mrs. 5 has that good-girls-don't thing yet was very wild in her 20's. It was apparent that once she met me she was ready to settle down. I chose her partially because I loved that wild side of her. It's so ironic that we ended up heading in opposite directions of what we expected. Of course motherhood had the ultimate "settling down" effect on her.
I hope I can keep bringing out her wildness. Gosh I love when she shows me this side of herself.
So, how did you like the liquibeads and also how did you like the yours&mine? I have looked at both of those as well, but not pulled the trigger.
I thought your comments about Mrs. 5's wild side, then settling down upon motherhood were interested. In my W's case, she has great admiration for her mom & dad's marriage and intentionally or not, she models her behavior strongly after them. Unfortunately for us, her parents are very non-intimate with each other. While she looks at them as the model of marriage, I have heard the under the breath comments from her dad which tell me he is not happy with the obvious lack of a sex life. I saw the same thing with my parents growing up but I had the opposite reaction to it as I wanted to be in a marriage with real intimacy. Because that is so ingrained in W, not sure if she can ever see the world in a different way.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
CB, the Liquibeads are very good, especially for "extended" sessions. W's complaint was the oozing the following day, the moisture is intended to last for 4 days. So be warned.
Yours&Mine I can report only on the "Yours" part (the guy part). She got this and gave it to me for my birthday along with some other things. We would have used it that night but I was not cleared for "no condoms" at that time. We ended up using our usual lube, the Liquid Silk, that night since I had to use a condom. I don't like any lube inside of of a condom so we didn't use the Yours&Mine that night. Later she tried some on me anly using her hand, but we didn't use the "Mine" part (the girl part) for some reason.
It was only okay for me. I don't really like that sticky feel that K-Y products usually have. Maybe we'll try it sometime again combining the parts. I seems more like a gimick though to me.
Like I said we really like Liquid Silk. Can't get it at the drug store though. I had to go to the local sex shop. I'm like a kid in a candy store every time I go in there for something... oops revealed a little too much there.
CB, yeah my wife models our marriage after her parents I think too. Trouble is they had a rotten marriage and stayed married long after they would have been much better off splitting up. She learned stay-married-no-matter-what from them. No intimacy, no sex, no touching at all for that matter.
Mrs. Cinco and I do touch. We held hands at our D's concert tonight. She lets me rub her back like last night when her back was sore. She hugs and kisses me when she greets me now. I want more though, I want to really know my wife and I don't. It hurts to want something so badly and to see so little change that allows me to really reach into her soul.
) and be one of those success stories too. It may take a separation to get her on board but damnit, if that's what it takes, I'll do it. I know I can get through to her.
