What type of promises would the LBS be breaking to justify D in your mind? to love, honor, cherish I can agree if there was abuse, financial neglect, etc. does emotional neglect count in your book? But what about the WAS that just held in resentment over time, never had a discussion & just sent out "signals" that the LBS didn't get? But what if the was didn't keep quiet about it? what if it was made very clear how the actions or inactions of the current lbs were destroying the r? This seems to be more of the case on this board. I'll give you that there are an awful lot of oblivious people on this board. How can you not know when your r is suffering? And why is it the WAS's job to decide what's best for BOTH partners? it's not but it's also not the job of the waw to just stay in a unhealthy r just to keep the lbs content in their bubble either. And for an entire family in most cases. if the m is unhealthy the kids will suffer one way or another from that too. You know the children typically want their parents together. and I'd be willing to bet most sane was wanted that too but the cost began to be too high and honestly not worth it for the kids in the long run.
I still appreciate hearing the comments of the WAS to help us understand what is going on. I just still do not see the justification in this. not everything needs justification. Sometimes a waw is out of her mind but that doesn't mean we all are. Some of us are actually trying to do what's best for everyone involved believe it or not. [/quote]
disclaimer- I have not read through this entire thread
I was once the lbs and now find myself in the position of the so called waw.
I've seen a few posts claiming that the was is the one who gave up and broke the promises made in m. What if you're just seeing it wrong? what if the LBS is the one who broke the promises and the was is the one who recognizes the break and despite trying to repair it eventually finds the lbs just isn't capable or willing to repair it so they decide that what's best for both in the end is to end the m?
Sure there are some was who are acting in pure selfishness but there are plenty who have tried and grown weary. Who eventually came to realize that the m was unhealthy and becoming a detriment to the children being raised in it. It doesn't take hitting or yelling to impact a child negatively. If mom is depressed and dad is a walking zombie but everyone tries to act like all is well for the kids that will eventually have a negative impact on them as well.
If it takes divorce to wake up a zombie then that's what it takes. Trouble is it should not have taken the true threat of divorce to wake you up.
LL
She promised to stay with me 'for better or for worse'...and she didn't. I promised to 'love, honor, and cherish' her...and I didn't. She decided that the pain of staying outweighted the pain of leaving. I wish she hadn't...but I understand that she felt like she had no other choice.
She did try, for years. I was an idiot.
It did take her leaving for me to become a better man and a better father and a better partner. It shouldn't have...but it did.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Not sure appropriate...I am a newcomer (2days) at the "newcomer board" and currently have a WAS but not so long ago was a WAW...though I never physically walked out I sure did mentally walk out. I am also a thinker when making a tough decision. Prior to determining my marriage was over (a decision made without consulting my H) the problems were lack of intimacy (not the sex kind), we were not doing things together...the weekends were spent with me cleaning house, doing laundry, paying bills, etc and then getting up on Monday mornings and doing the same thing week after week, over and over again, no deviation. When things got tough, whether with the kids, the finances, something breaking down, it was always me to the rescue. I became drained...felt like I was less than a woman and more on autopilot. I felt very unwanted, undesirable, and only paid attention to when someone else's world was falling apart and they needed something fixed. In short, I beleived that my H no longer loved me because if he did he would see that something was wrong and do something about it. I decided there had to be more to life than that. I never really talked about how I was feeling because everyone else's needs seemed far more important than mine, after all, we had a nice home, nice cars, nice kids and for all outward appearances a nice marriage...who was I to complain because I felt empty inside, I was the rock, the one who kept it all together and that was what seemed to be expected of me. At some point I did try to talk to my spouse...he listened when I said I needed something more...said he would try so he did a load of laundry every now and again or would run the vacuum...I thought I had articulated very well what I was looking for and so I repeated my issues and once again got the "I love you", "stick it out", "it will get better." It never did...that is what led me to believe I had no other choice but to leave...something kept holding me back from actually taking that final step though...I spent a long time trying to figure out what it was...finances, kids, 14 years...I did not know but I spent a lot of time thinking about it and what I realized was that I kept waiting for my H to prove to me he loved me...I spent a lot of time telling him what would make me feel better about us, things and I kept waiting on him to make a move but he did not...this re-enforced my belief that he just did not care and so I refused to do anything until he did. At some point I finally realized that he was not responsible for my happiness, I was and that lately I had been the picture of doom and gloom...who wants to hang out with someone like that. I also started thinking the way I preach...there are 2 sides to every story and somewhere in teh middle was the truth. The thing that kept me from leaving...love, simple as that...I love my H with all my heart and I just wanted it to get better so I set myself on a course to try and do that...but mostly working on me...I still did not make any real moves on him...thought I needed to feel better myself before I could actually amke a difference in our relationship. Somewhere in there however my H decided he wanted out...he has been gone 2 weeks now and it is killing me...if I had only had DR a few months ago...if only I had had my realizations a few months ago...if only, if only...that's not the way it turned out though...I got the ILYB...it hurts but I understand...do I beleive it can be turned around...yes in some ways, however he has said he wants to start seeing other women and that does throw a monkey wrench into it for me because he did cheat on me before and that, whether seperated or not may just be the catalyst for the D, at least for me...he says "at this point" "it's over", etc...that gives me a little hope but I feel like when you add another person into the mix it changes the dynamic...of course everything is going to be better with that person or person's and so that is just going to drag him further away...Our D (13) has been seeing a couselor...she self mutilates...has been for awhile. H & I went to her appointment together the other day to tell the C that we had seperated and our D was having a tough time...the other womaen thing was brought up and the C says that couples who have been together for as long as e have should not date until at least 2 years after the S...I agree...it's just like DR says...paraphrasing...doomed to repeat the same mistakes...this is a 3rd marriage for both of us...I don't want to start my life over again...I want to face the issues...actually I want to put the past behind us...remember why we fell in love in the first place and put as much time and energy into our relationship as we would our other relationships...
That's kind of my story...if you are one of those people still with your spouse...just give it time...patience...stop focusing on the past...you really don't want it to be the way it was do you? Maybe you will find your way back to each other...maybe you won't but I would start with a hard look at yourself...at the end of the day my H likely feels exactly the same way I did...unloved, unwanted, undesirable and while I may not be responsible for his happiness I sure could have done more to make him feel wanted but I got so wrapped up in blaming him for feeling inadequate, like a failure and just downright dowdy that I began to act that way...and so any move I made wouldn't have made a difference anyway...I needed to get myself together...yep, he is gone and he may do some things that I don't like (other women) but it is not going to stop me from GAL or the 180's...if it works out for us as a result that's great, if not then I am still a better person for it.
He is gone and he may do some things that I don't like (other women) but it is not going to stop me from GAL or the 180's...if it works out for us as a result that's great, if not then I am still a better person for it.
That's the best attitude to have once something like this happens. Good luck to you!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I am a first time poster and have just finished DB myself. I must say I am following the same way of behaivior as mentioned. I am dont want to be too optimistic, but there are certainly positive signs. I won't let her read DB but she knows I am reading it. I am doing some positive 180's in my behavior patterns and it is doing wonderful things for me personally. Joining a fitness center, taking some me time, doing things for me that I should have always done.
I know there are no promises but things look better and its only been 10 day +/-.
I am always willing to listen and take advice or criticism...so go ahead everyone thats why I am here.
I would advise to keep your eyes open and your brain on... and above all else, work to better yourself without pulling others through the mud...I see a lot of that out here...Not so much therapy as just a bunch of name calling and hating.
