It's Complicated! Part 6

[dl443322]

Hey G, I know that I have written this to you before. I know how difficult it is for someone to understand depression. I also know how difficult it is to live with someone with it.

I suffered from it for a long time. At my worst, I could not get off the couch. It feels like you are swimming in jello with no end in sight. The thought of trying to get through a day is so overwhelming that you just sleep.

It took three years, three therapists, trying five different meds and different doses for me to finally stabilize. It is not a quick fix. You have to do the work and stick to it, but first you have to get to the point where you want to be better.

The very best thing for you to do is to leave your h alone. Do not ask anything of him. Go about your life and let him figure out that he needs help. You cannot do it for him.

Hang in there, my friend.

[Dawn of Hope]

Glam, I have to agree with BM. You know that I have been dealing with my depression for 30 years now, so I think I can claim some expertise. With depression, it is sooooooooo tempting just to drift...let the days pass, just doing the minimum necessary to get by. Doing more sometimes seems just...overwhelming. I was never the type to not be able to get out of bed, but I've had many days when eating and bathing just seemed like an awful lot of work. I doubt I ever would have gotten any help if H hadn't begged me to do so, pushed me--but I wasn't in MLC! So I don't know if pushing your H would help or not, because of the MLC (I suspect not), but I hope he is in treatment for the depression. If he's been in treatment for a while and isn't any better than the way it sounds to me from your comments, I would have to speculate that they haven't found the right treatment yet. Can you talk to his doctor on your own? Even if the doctor can't give you much information (because of privacy laws), maybe you can tell the doctor what you're seeing from your H and express your concerns.

Take care of yourself!

Peace,
Dawn

[glamgirl]

Yes, part of my problem is I don't understand the depression. I try, but to me it doesn't make a lot of sense. I have always been a go getter type of person. Whatever I wanted I went out and made it happen. So it's hard for me to understand if you want to make changes in your life, you just get up and make them.

I tried reading some books on depression, but didn't feel they were helpful in making me see the perspective from a depressed person. Yes, I was depressed when h left. Yes I had trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Yes, I sat paralyzed to act on many occassions, but it didn't stop me from living. I still had to get up and go to work, look for a job when I wasn't working, take care of the kids. I didn't allow the depression to run me so to speak, once I decided to take action. I also when had enough of wallowing around in tears, decided I need to change my life and be empowered enough for that to happen. So again, really hard for me to see h's side. Not that I don't want to understand it, just can't wrap my brain around it.

H made it over today. I could tell his mood was off kilter. I didn't say much to him. Asked him how he was doing. He kind of shrugged his shoulders and said ok. I went to work and was super busy. H called late in the day and asked what was for dinner. I picked up a pizza and brought it home.

H was knee deep in yard work. Weeding and mowing. He finished up and left soon after. I thanked him for his help. He did a really nice job. I was so exhausted I could not help him. I need to plan those things on my day off or it doesn't get done.

He will be here early am. He just sent me an e-mail early am, so I know he is up all night again. Just hope he can really get on a regular sleep schedule.

As far as h is concerned with his Dr. Remember he was suppose to go to the Dr and have his meds checked, blood work done etc and he blew his appointment off. Now he is out of work and NO insurance again. He most recently stopped his AD's for a few weeks then jumped back on them. His words they take the edge off of me.

At this point, I can't be his mother. When he gets insurance again, I will strongly recommend he go back to his Dr. He needs the bloodwork done. He could have a thyroid condition causing the depression. The only reason I say that is his past Dr had called about his bloodwork and said he would only call if h had any thyroid concerns. Well, h never followed up way back when on that appointment. Also our C has told h many times to get in and get himself checked.

Some reason it keeps popping in my head, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. These are h's medical issues and I can't force him to do anything about them nor do I want to do battle with h that way. As much as I want him to get well, I realize he is his own person. When he blew his Dr off last I had to wash my hands of his medical mess. Just love from a far for now. If he wants my help and asks I will be there for him. He knows that!

Snodderly you are right though. I find myself feeling frustrated and dissappointed when h doesn't show or follow through with a call. It gets my mind racing. I just need to not have expectations. It's hard though when someone says I will be over at noon for lunch and then no word until 8pm and attempted calls by me. This is the part I need to let go. Not call him and just let my thoughts go when it happens. I need to change my thinking. I do let it bother me instead of just going oh well life goes on. I will try much harder in this area, since it gets to my heart and soul when h has poor behavior. I let it affect me way too much. Any suggestions on how to let it go and move on quickly when this happens?

H will be here early am to watch the kids.

[braveheart]

Glam, remember this, all you can do is all you can do. Your H MUST want to help himself.

[dl443322]

G, I know how hard it is for someone to understand depression. Depression is a biochemical imbalance in the brain. It is a physical illness. Maybe you could think of it that way.

Many people, when they are really down or have the blues or feel depressed can shake it off. They may be mildly depressed. But with someone like your husband who is clearly severely depressed, it is often the result of a lack of enough serotonin in the brain.

He cant just go on and off the AD's at will. These involve adjusting chemicals in the body. They take time to work as the brain has to get used to this new path.

I still struggle with the letting go part. But I have no choice. Just live your life as if your h is far away. Do not ask anything of him if you could help it. Go about your life.

Hang in there.

[Mach1]

Hey Glam.

I don't think I have ever posted to you before. So I'll try to be nice......LOL

My doctor actually told me that I had to take a full run of AD's, been over a year now. But he told me that if I went on them, to expect a commitment of at least nine months.

Starting them or taking them erradic, can actually do MORE damage to the imbalance.

It took about six weeks for me to get adjusted to them...

Hang in there,

M1

[job]

Glam,
You and I are quite alike because we are both go getters and continue going even when ill. I could never understand depression and why you couldn't snap yourself out of it or stay busy enough that I would feel that way. It took a lot of reading and talking to medical professionals and people experiencing it before I truly understood what they are feeling when depressed.

It's very hard for us to understand it because we've not had anyone around us who has experienced depression. It's something you can't put your finger on, but you do know that someone isn't quite with it. Just like the ad "depression hurts...it hurts everyone involved".

Just think of your h talking in the wind. Do not make your plans around the time he says he will come. Learn to continue moving forward and if you have something planned and he's not there, continue on w/your plans. He means well when he says he's going to come over at a certain time, but the depression tends to really slow him down to a snail's pace and he just can't get with it. The up all night deal is depression. His clock is way off and until he crashes and burns, he's not going to seek professional help. Sometimes I think they are afraid to see a doctor for fear of what the doctor will tell them. Your h reminds me of my friend of many years ago who experienced the bad depression and was playing the mlc game full throttle.

Glam, the whole name of the game is that you can't help them. You can offer them a safe and soft place to land, but you cannot cannot take care of them. They have to do this and yes, it's like the old saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". That's why it is important for you to take care of yourself and your children because he can't help you in any way. Heck, at this point, he can't help himself just yet.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, [[[[[Glam]]]]].

As you know, I too have had a challenge with depression. I didn't see it as such because I didn't have things like suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I just thought I was tired ALL the time and my H thought I was a lazy couch potato! NOT an attractive thing in a wife!

A year of good therapy and medication later, I still struggle with it. However, as you may know I really turned a corner recently. I had a situation where I really plummeted into real "crisis" and sincerely felt I couldn't go on..... but then I woke up the next morning....and I was different. My whole outlook has changed. And while I still have the weepys and feel depressed, I now know that this too shall pass and I am past the worst of it.

I spoke at some length with my C about this, and he (with 30+ years of working with inmates in prisons) is somewhat of an expert on depression. He explained to me that the body simply cannot sustain continued stress of depression and that usually this culminates in some sort of "crisis", which can be different things for different people. In extreme cases it can end in "death" (either physically or mentally). Most often the person "hits bottom" and turns a corner.

My point is that not only can't you fix this for your H, if you try you are possibly prolonging his (and your) pain. Does that make sense? It's like enabling an alcoholic. Understanding your H's depression only helps so that you can know that YOU are not in any way responsible or to blame. It doesn't mean that it's OK or something you should accept or "put up with". It's something that you need to step back and allow your H to find his way on, while you take care of you (and your kids). And that I know is the pits for you because you have shouldered this already for so long! But that's just the nature of this beast.

On the plus side, I think that it is a good sign that your H is aware of his problem (even if he waffles around with his meds). Sooner or later he has to get tired of it......hopefully sooner.

I'm not sure if I said any of this right, but the bottom line is, just take care of you and remember what a special lady you are!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[glamgirl]

Saw the commercial last night for depression for cymbalta. Fits my h well. He has been coming over this week, but sleeps mostly when he is here. Looks tired and worn out. Seems to lack focus.

He has been here daily to help with the kids to save money, but seems so out of it these days. Not sure what could change that. He hasn't been looking for work. I had sent him a bunch of job leads. He said he appreciated. Sent him one really good job lead a few weeks ago. Hasn't applied. Was a little put off when I asked if he had applied. I guess he is not intested in looking for work right now. Not my issue. I am still floored that he doesn't see home as a way out to ease the burden on his finances. He is not collecting much from unemployment and it will not be enough to cover should he continue living elsewhere.

In the whole grand scheme of things he doesn't see how favorable moving home would be for both our finances. I am floored that he can't or won't connect those dots. Will he ever make that connection? Oh what does it matter anyway? He is not the person I married.

My h is so wrapped up with things of little value in the scheme of life. Like so over involved with planning and thinking of a business idea he has. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great idea, but either act on it or focus on what makes sense, like getting a good paying job to support his family. The business thing can come later. He doesn't know how or want to separate what is important NOW. As to the business idea either get an investor and make it happen or forget talking and planning about it. He has been talking and planning for 5 years and is so consumed with it, like finding a job is on the back burner. I guess in many ways it's his way of not dealing with reality. It's easier to absorb myself in business planning than address a m, finances, chidren, separation, depression etc. It doesn't leave much for me and the kids on the other end.

I guess the answer is don't let it concern me, but since he is always bringing it up it bothers me how much time and energy he will spend on an idea, but how little time he will spend trying to fix his m and homelife for his children. As usual his priorities are not in order for a family man. I keep thinking he is a changed man, but maybe the reality is he never was who I thought he was. Before and after we were m, he lead me to believe what a devoted h and family man he was, but in reality I don't think that was the case. His priorities are NOT mine.

It was only a dream that my h was a devoted h and father. Now I can only watch on the side lines as the fathers I know and neighbors I observe parent their children in a way that makes sense to me. Tentative, playing ball, living in the home, strolling with the kids, walking the dog, getting the kids on the bus, oh the list goes on. I am sorry, but this is my vision of a father. One that is there not one that is not.

Oh well, life goes on...............h will never have a clue what being a real father and h truly is.

[braveheart]

Glam. Sounds to me like your H is more spoiled than anything. Sounds like he has been enabled for a lot of the things he does or has done. I'm not implying that is you doing the enabling, but I sense someone has.......