Back again for some sage advice!

[limbo]

Hello All,

I have not posted in a very long time; I hope that you are all well!

Quick up date, H and I are still plodding along, and as far as I know the ow has not been in contact.
We had our 19th wedding anniversary yesterday, very low key, by our choice; have to do a bathroom reno, so money is tight!

We have had no major problems as of late, which of course is good, however I feel we have fallen back into the “old ways”, we do nothing, go no where.
My H is so focused on our family vacation to Florida that nothing else is important.
To be honest I am terrified to go, the first time we went, he shortly after began the affair, and the second time the day after we returned he announced that he was leaving as he was back with the ow. I told him a long time ago that I was not happy with going, however it just didn’t seem to matter he was gung ho to go.

I still at times have moments of unhappiness, and to be honest I have them fairly often, I don’t really feel connected to my h, and I feel that there is something huge that it missing.
My h just seems to have forgotten everything and is carrying on as normal, we don’t talk about us at all anymore, we don’t dialogue. I feel that was our connection, but now nothing.
He is loving and a great husband around the house, he does so much, way more then me, I can’t fault him at all in that regard.
I don’t think in my H mind there is anything wrong, we are great.

I just don’t know what to do, I want to feel connected, and I want to feel that I love him deeply; I don’t know what to do to get that back and feel those things again for him.
I do love him don’t get me wrong, but I just feel that there is something so large that is missing.

Thanks!

[SDFoundGirl]

I just don’t know what to do, I want to feel connected, and I want to feel that I love him deeply; I don’t know what to do to get that back and feel those things again for him.
I do love him don’t get me wrong, but I just feel that there is something so large that is missing.
Thanks!

I think what you're feeling is pretty common among us LBS. We put so much energy into saving the M, and when our H's leave we want to hold on to that connection. Then, they return, there's a lot of relief and then...

Well, life happens. And we don't see the same level of commitment to keep on working on the M as we put in during the left behind phase...either that, or it fades away. We also feel safe out of the crisis, and that's when we deal with our own pre-existing or current dissatisfactions about the M. Our S seems bewildered when we're still worried or wanting to work on things...after all, they're back, so it's fixed right? I think the WAS does learn things...but they don't go through what we go through, so they don't get it.

I feel this way a lot. Where it's appropriate, I take the initiative to bring up things I want to discuss--one example is H's continued friendship with the woman he was pursuing after the bomb. Sometimes it's scary, but it's my responsibility to bring things up I want to work on or change instead of waiting for my H.

Other things, those things that have to do with my own feelings of connection or disconnection, are my responsibility to work on. If there are things I'd like my H to do, I ask for them. Otherwise I continue to look for the root cause of my feelings. What am I doing that may be getting in my way regarding connecting with my H? For me, I know it's holding on to the past...of sometimes keeping tabs on my H...I realized the other day I actually feel better when I find something because it gives me an excuse to keep my walls up. It wasn't intentional, but I had to examine what I was doing to figure out what was really going on.

I don't know if this helps, but it's been true for me. We expect something different...so what would that something different look like for you? And what steps could you take to make it happen?

SD

[verycrazy]

Hey, limbo, I thought I would stop by after a little reading of your sitch.
Tell me, why does the idea of the family vacation terrify you? what did it have to do with the A? Or was it that y'all didn't get along very well on other vacations?
One thing I have had to do, is to ignore most of my H's dumba** little behaviors that ordinarily would make me so mad. He has said the past couple of vacations have been great with no arguing, if he wants to do something his way, fine. I feels good to let go of the responsibility for everything.

I have those feeling of not being connected to H at times, and I feel unhappy and sometimes almost depressed, but it passes.
It's like we have done so much work on our M's, and they have reaped all the benefits, (well, we have reaped them, too) and now when we would like them to not act like everything is business as usual, it's enough to make us crazy.

Do y'all have a date night? Or do you leave notes where he can find them? Just an idea. Or give him the book, The 5LL.

Have to go, H is due home any minute, and still does not know who my support group is.

L

[limbo]

SD/VC

Thank you both for your response's

SD, what you say makes alot of sense in alot of ways I have been waiting for H to make the moves, in a way I think I feel that he has to show he wants this and if he isn't doing what I feel he should then he isn't really trying, I know that its silly because he isn't a mind reader, and I know he is doing what he can, and feels he is doing well.
I know I have to tell him what I want, and what I am doing to him isn't really fair.
I also know that I have kept the walls up, because I am waiting for the next thing to happen, and I know that also isn't fair, because there may never be a next thing, and I need to start acting as such! So thank you for making me take a look at that!

VC...The vacations themselves were good, the first trip, H got kidney stones before our holidays had even really started and I didn't act very well, H was getting sick alot and I had very little patience for it, and it was after this event of the stones and how I handled the whole thing that H turned to ow.
The 2nd time we went I had been worried all along that h was just going because of the kids, and I was worried that we would get back and he would leave, which he swore wouldn't happen, however he had gotten back with ow about 6 weeks before we left, the vacation itself was good(i thought) and we seemed to be fine, however the morning after we got back, h wakes me up and tells me he is leaving, and going back with ow, he ulimately didn't, now I just associate our problems to going to Florida, and I don't really want to go.
I have resolved to myself that I am going to speak to H, and also apologize to him for having expectations that he will never be able to meet! and also tell him again about the fear I have for the vacation.

Thanks for the great feedback, I always know that I can come here and feel that I am not abnormal!

[JAK58]

[/quote]I feel this way a lot. Where it's appropriate, I take the initiative to bring up things I want to discuss--one example is H's continued friendship with the woman he was pursuing after the bomb. Sometimes it's scary, but it's my responsibility to bring things up I want to work on or change instead of waiting for my H.[quote]

SD,

Your whole post especially this part could be my life right now!!!

I need to look at things differently and bring things up then maybe H would talk and work through what he needs to.
Please read my thread it here in piecing.

I think Limbo, VC and I all feel the same about our sitches right now and they are a lot alike.

WOW it's like a light turned on.

JAK