New Post for Wifey

[The Wifey]

You guys are really awesome, you know that?

[mindfull]

Wifey:

Hahah Big Mouth Mickey is a beer! Sorry, maybe a regional thing... used to drink them when I was young (and dumb!).

Glad the S20 is good to him Mom... I always tell my D18 that God made her this cute for a reason! To get us through the teen years... Funny, right before she is ready to move on and go to college 3 1/2 hours away... She's becoming down right delightful!!

Looks like you have a good support network here!

[The Wifey]

Mindblank,

These people are not just a support network, they are my extended family. There are many of them and I count myself so lucky.

[The Wifey]

Okay, really bad day now. I thought I was getting by the worst of it.

But my husband just sent me this:

Then accept our situation. We are family, we are forever connected. We obviously care about each other... Trust is built on a foundation of consistency. My aspirations at this point is taking care of responsibilities and riding. Ideally with an RV and the bike. To appreciate the sights and sounds.

I responded with:

I accept it in my mind. But my heart is broken.

Trust is a two - way street. I trusted you with my heart and my life.

We knew each other's bodies by heart. We could finish each others sentences. We could communicate with a look. And now you don't want that and I have to accept.

Care? I love you. I have been crying all day.

I am not a part of your aspirations at all. You want your RV, your motorcycle and your freedom. I can give you one of those. I am attaching the tax return in PDF form. You said that you needed it to go to the lawyer.

I will contact my lawyer and tell him you will be sending a separation agreement. I will communicate with you through him, because I am far to distraught to look out for my best interest right now.

I have to go away for a little while because if I stay here I am going to end up in the hospital.

Guys, I was doing so good. I am packing my bag and the dog and I am going somewhere, anywhere but here.

[Coach]

KJo, How are you?

[The Wifey]

I am back home. I blinked. I drove around for about 4 hours, had some exchanges with my H in the interim and then came home.

He came to the house to see me after he read my first email. Called me. I didn't answer. Then he sent me a text and he said he was at the house are you coming back.

I replied why?

We ended up talking more than once. He kept repeating the "We are family, forever connected, I care about you thing." I told him that if he really meant any of those things then he wouldn't just walk and tell me to accept it.

Yes, I deviated from the DB script. Stay with me here.

The things I've asked for, like counseling, him going back to the Doc, open-minded effort on his part - which he has rejected time and again - are too much for him. He says he is doing as much as he is able to do.

I challenged him on it. What my C calls pushing back.

Me-You care, but you won't try.

H-I am trying in the way that I can. Who asked you to a movie on Sunday?

Me-I had a great time.

H-I never said separation meant I never wanted to see you again.

Me-Did you really mean it when you said you wanted to rebuild?

H-I did.

Me-And you think what we've been doing is leading to that?

H-I don't know yet. We are just starting.

Me-And after 26 years it isn't worth doing more?

H-I am doing as much as I can right now.

Me-That is all 26 years is worth?

H-You know I love and care about you.

Me-You don't normally see me cry because I hide it. You are seeing / hearing it now.

H-I don't know why you can't just accept our situation.

Me-My husband that I love dearly left me. I'm heartbroken. My brain accepts this, but it hurts so much.

H-I'm sorry.

Me-To me, its seems accepting it means giving up. Do you want me to give up?

H-No, not yet.

Me-So you love me, care about me, and I am family?

H-I mean that.

Me-It really hurts that I was so easy to let go of after all of the love.

H-It was not easy. I gave it a lot of thought.

Me-If I were married to another man and he did this, and you were my family member, would you still feel the same about what you are doing?

H-Not sure what you mean.

Me-Ok, to be clear, if that man left me and wouldn't do counseling, say. Would you think what the man was doing was logical?

H-I might be mad at him and advise you to divorce him.

Me-I have only responded with love and forgiveness.

H-That's true. I'm not sure why.

Me-Because you and our relationship are worth giving us every possible chance at happiness.

H-Hmmm. How about if I come over on Thursday? We can watch a movie, I'll replace that piece of siding over the garage and I will stay over?

Me-Why?

H-Right now lets just keep things simple. Know you are cared for. Tomorrow is a new day.

Me-So nothing is changed?

H-I know how much you love me. I know I've caused you a lot of hurt. I have a lot of thinking to do. Feels like I'm not doing enough.

Me-Will you?

H-I always think about us.

Me-Ok, good night then.

H-Let me know when you get back to the house so I know you are safe.

Ok. So this was a major deviation from the DB script. But at this point this needed to happen.

The status quo is getting us pretty much nowhere. The result is that he had to face the pain. He had to acknowledge that he hasn't done enough. If his words about rebuilding are more than just words, he needed to acknowledge this.

Let loose the 2x4s all. As much as I hurt then, I am actually good this morning. I put a chink in the stainless steel of Mr. Wifey.

[aliveandkicking]

You wont get a 2x4 from me. DB is about doing what works for you and suppressing your feelings can harm you in some cases. If you can detach and those feelings are manageable than that is one thing. But, if the truth is that you are hurting relentlessly, I think it is ok to be honest. He is saying he cares and you are revealing the truth so he has an opportunity to do something about it.

I'm interested to see what others think.

[mindfull]

Wifey:

Gosh! Are you kidding?

Isn't DB'ing about finding what works, and stopping what doesn't? I don't know the full history of your sitch, but from reading a bit of it, it appears you've been at this awhile. You're at a point of needing some kind of movement. It appears this worked. This time. I would almost call it a success!

You weren't begging him to come "home." You didn't sound needy. You sounded like a W that loves her H, and, IF he's agreed to start to rebuild the R/M, then you need some show of effort!

I'm with ya...

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

KellyJo-

No 2x4 from me, but then you know that from when we talked last night.

Sometimes it is not what is said, but the delivery that makes all the difference and you handled things beautifully.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[The Wifey]

Thank you. I don't know if I would declare it a success, more like a draw. At the very least he had to acknowledge what he had so far avoided - that he walked, he caused hurt, and he has not done enough to try and resolve anything.

I thank God every day that he continues to ask me to do things with him. I am not ungrateful for that.

I have put actions behind my words. Now it is time he show me just what it really means to him to be forever connect, family, cared for, loved. He values truth, so know I want to see the truth behind the words.