you were posting when I posted. Saw your warning about slips. Been through this before and I know it is part of the process - don't know how I will handle it now. Part of me is tired of dealing with hard and part tells me to grow up. Any suggestions on how to prep myself?
I hear you about dealing with slips in the past. Has he ever been as comitted as he seems now? Acting likes there's no tomorrow is the just for today I won't use. As much as you want to help him get through this he HAS to do it himself.
He's doing all the right things and from what you've posted he's doing it for him AND you. Maybe MAYBE you two should not spend time together for a few weeks. I'm not saying no contact but limited. He has to focus on his recovery. He'll have nothing without it.
Once again you need to do what's best any healthy for you.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I agree with your advice, problem that comes up is that he feels overly rejected when I don't want to spend some time with him. It is also part of our overall pattern to spend a lot of time together and then cut off for awhile - I want balance but his view of balance means that I am rejecting him or punishing him - he thinks if I don't want to spend some time with him that I really don't want him or I don't feel about him the way he feels about me. In the past, in his R, he and the other person spent all time together. I am used to doing most things together but enjoy time to myself. I never had someone act so insecure before - it is hard for me to manage that kind of thinking.
So, I feel that if I do what is healthy it will look like our negative pattern in action and puts him on the defensive. And yes his committment is more genuine than before so I want to support the positive and believe in him. Is it understandable that I wonder about myself and decisions to support him?
From my uneducated soapbox it seems like your H is doing well in his sobriety and feels like everything should be laid in place already. Like VD said, it takes some time for him to figure out how to handle emotions and conflicts without turning to the bottle.
I am all for talking with his sponsor. It seems like it would be good for you in learning how to deal with your H. Good for your H to learn how to deal with you and for the sponsor to understand the dynamics of your M as well.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Just a quick FYI the sponsor my not want to talk with you. My wouldn't talk to my W which pissed her off, but it wasn't my idea my sponsor told me to tell her that is NA and stress the A, heck I told my sponsor I wanted him to talk to her and he said no...All he would tell her is I'm fine and working the program.
Now if you've already talked to the S or you know you can please disregard this post...:)
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Thanks all for the advice. Things went well today. H greeted me with taking responsibility for the problem he has not yet found a solution to, but promises to take to IC on Sat. Admits he sees that I have found a balance for myself and he hasn't yet.
I also read my alanon mat last night and this a.m. and learned that I cannot take his inventory just need to let him figure things out for himself and just focus on myself. So I told him that I will stay out of his business with AA and just listen to what he tells me. He shares everything with me anyway, he talks to his sponsor and friends in front of me and will ask them questions for me so that part is ok.
Instead of continuing the disagreement or complaining, all was as it should be. I think he was nervous that I would pull back after last night's mini episode, but the reading and his progress has helped me to move forward.
He also agreed that he will attend meetings per his sponsor even if it disrupts our time together for the time being as he knows he needs it and does better that way. Doesn't like having less time with me but knows I need to see him working the program. I thought about going with him but he goes to all closed meetings. But he does want to invite his sponsor and two friends to meet me soon. by the way, did I tell you that his sponsor's sponsor (who is now deceased) was close to Bill W. So I believe he is in good hands. Sponsor has 30 years! he has two other support people who he talks to everyday with 15 and 20 years.
So I am ok afterall. I like that we talked things out, didn't argue,etc. worked them out.
Just as an aside - daughter tells me that her brother and father are talking which is a load off my mind. I am sending son to live with his father this summer hoping that they could work out their R. Sounds like it is working. D says they are talking more than she her dad every did which is amazing because my D can talk 24/7. I also suggested to son that he might try taking one college course while working to finish and he had a favorable response for a change.
It will be bumpy at times but I think you guys are headed in the right direction! Nice to see your H so on fire to keep sober. That is great.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Another bump in the road... H told his IC that he was planning to move back in with me in a few months - IC reaction was not good at first, according to H IC backed off when he learned that H is coming back to a different situation (namely the kids won't be there) H says IC's objection is based on the AA suggestion that people in the program should not make decisions in the first year.
This started an argument... esp when I found out that he has not told his sponsor nor talked at meetings about our situation and problems. My thinking is that he should be talking about it with his sponsor and two supporters to find out what is best for him. H says he hasn't talked to anyone because he knows they will tell me not to move back in and to get a D. I doubt that. But it bothers me that he thinks this way.
Anyway, he ended up being offended, and walked out saying he will talk to his sponsor and get back to me. But as he was leaving he said he didn't think I want him back.
I didn't say that to him, I just don't like that on the one hand he insists that he wants to stay sober for the rest of his life and will do what his peers advise to help him, but he doesn't think it is any of their business to when it comes to make such a major decision about moving back with me.
I think it is important to get this feedback about getting himself into or out of situations that will either support or risk his sobriety.
I personally think they will be supportive of his return home and is setting himself up right now to sabotage himself and our M. H is supposed to talk to sponsor tonight and others at the meeting. I hope he will hear what he needs to hear - but I am not certain that he will. He seems so sensitive to rejection from me and seems to forget that I am still around when I could have D him.
I am venting because I am angry because this is the same old behavior as before. He is overly sensitive, expects rejection and doesn't like me disagreeing with him.
In the mean time, I don't like that we had plans and he has walked out on me twice this week because he didn't like what I was saying. I really do want him back as soon as possible, but I don't want to go through what we did before with his drinking. I can't seem to get through to him that I am not against him and I would like nothing better than to have a happy ending.
H just called after talking to his sponsor and was warned not to move in with me because it would jepordize his sobriety and they are not sure what my motives are about since I M him and have stayed in the R. I think something is amiss. I put him out twice because of his drinking - I don't think I am an enabler. But I think I will stop commenting because this really p*** me off.
