First off, I had the definition of "being stuck" explained to me and I don't think you are stuck. (Here comes the "love" Mach)
You are caught in the middle of a web but I see you climbing to the edges to get out. You have been taking steps to move forward with your life. They may be small steps but they are steps.
Being stuck is asking the same questions over and over again and not coming up with a solution. You have had solutions. I notice whenever you want to do something it seems people tend to knock you down. I don't understand this. Yes, everyone has their own opinions and I am all for any advice given but in the end, only YOU know how to handle your xw.
We have been through this before. I know what I say is more upfront than most people and I get blasted for it. I just think sometimes the gloves have to come off and you have to get in there and fight it out. You can't walk on your tippy toes all the time just because the other person is in MLC or crazyville. Does everyone expect you to stoop to her level all the time just because she is not all with it?
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I'm sorry but mlc, abc, defg it's just plain wrong. I am still fighting off the incredible urge to go OFF on her about. (new mlc term) kid dumping.
Sometimes you have to shock them into coming slightly back to reality. If you say something that will piss her off...oh well. She will get over it. I don't know your xw and how she does things but I can tell you every time my stbx and I would get into an argument within 24 hours he had forgotten about it. If not, I didn't care because he left me alone.
The more you pull away nicely, the more she is going to come around. The more you ignore her now, the more she is going to come around. Honestly, I think you want to say something to her but are afraid everyone will hold it against you. Just because a person is in MLC doesn't mean they can walk all over you. They need to be put in their place also. WTH have you got to lose?
As I have said before MLC is just an excuse. Once they know they can do or say what they want and we are going to step back they will take advantage. I'm not saying cuss her out or yell constantly at her. Just tell her what you think about things. She is emailing you to communicate...well, communicate with her then. Answer her back and then add a few lines of your own. The worst she can do is ignore you. I'm telling you, it won't last long.
Maybe I am bitter about a lot of things but I am just so sick of being walked on. I am sick of seeing all my friends get walked on.
One of our friends told me that they were hoping for miracles. A miracle would be nice but honestly, after the way our exes have treated us do we really think we could forget everything and have a great future with them if they came home? I'm not saying it can't happen but if we let them walk on us now because we are afraid of pushing them further away, then how do you think they are going to treat us if they came home? Stand up to them now and show them that we are strong people.
Trapt, in my eyes I see a man that wants to move forward with his life but is afraid to because of everyone around him. Afraid of what they will say. You have said "I have either avoided or turned down going out on a dates. I'm a long way away from anything serious, but at this same time...well I don't have to tell you. You have been there. It would be nice to spend a little time with someone. Again I'm not really looking for it but hey if it happens it happens."
If you feel it is time to get out into the world again then no one will hold it against you. You deserve to get out and be happy. I will warn you though, once you start dating they tend to try to get in your business even more.
I read between the lines in your posts and to me it says you are ready for new things but are afraid to take the first step. Don't worry about what anyone will say to you. YOU do it for YOU!!!
You have had solutions. I notice whenever you want to do something it seems people tend to knock you down. I don't understand this. Yes, everyone has their own opinions and I am all for any advice given but in the end, only YOU know how to handle your xw.
I feel I was avoiding her, letting her chip away at me, because I THOUGHT that being divorced would change things. It hasn't. I avioded it and bottled it up and let other things (work, money, the list goes on) be an excuse to be angry. I'm better than that.
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I just think sometimes the gloves have to come off and you have to get in there and fight it out. MLC or crazyville. Does everyone expect you to stoop to her level all the time just because she is not all with it?
Yeah but being p*ssed whether I have a right to be or not is stooping and playing her game. I can't do that.
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Sometimes you have to shock them into coming slightly back to reality.
I can't control her reality. I tried this in the beginning.
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The more you pull away nicely, the more she is going to come around. The more you ignore her now, the more she is going to come around.
This is right on and I wasn't expecting it. I thought the opposite would happen. Which caused me to get tossed for a loop. I let my guard down and failed to maintain my boundaries.
D land is new territory for me. I still have work to do.
Being p*ssed off is not stooping to her level. Stooping to her level would be if you were just letting her get away with everything. You have stood your ground with her many times. It just seems whenever you do then everyone comes back and fusses at you for doing it. They keep telling you that you need to step back. How far back do they expect you to step? If you keep backing up you are going to fall off backwards.
No, you can't control her reality but you can't let her take yours away from you either. She lives in her own little world and if you don't watch it she will take you with her.
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I let my guard down and failed to maintain my boundaries.
So, how are you going to build your boundaries back up? Are you going to listen to everyone tell you that when she calls you need to be the dutiful xh and answer the phone? Are you going to step back and let her make all the rules as she feels are necessary? I know situations are different but remember, I was and still am in your shoes.
Before the divorce you walked on eggshells hoping that she might just snap out of it and come home. You spent the last couple years being nice to her in hopes that she will see you as a different person than the one she left behind. You let her call the shots and stood back. Did it work? No. Ask yourself, do you want her to come around or do you want her to leave you alone? I am getting mixed signals here. Maybe I have my radio set to XMLC right now but I see you standing on the fence but afraid to jump because you don't know which way to go. In one sentence you are saying you wish she would leave you alone. In the next sentence you say you are leaving the door cracked open. You have to decide which way you want to go or you will drive yourself straight to crazyville.
Before your divorce she had you on the fence because she knew you wanted her back. She could do whatever she wanted because she knew no matter what you wanted her. Even after the divorce your actions show you still want her back which is fine but you need to draw a line somewhere. She will continue keeping you on that fence until you finally say enough is enough. You need to make a decision and jump one way or another.
If I come at her with anger and a good boundary, it will go to waste. My anger will shut her down completely and cause her to become even more defensive, not to mention void the boundary that needs to be set. I need to keep it in check somehow.
There is a way to do it right and it's so easy to forget.
I do not want her back the way she is. It will never work.
Yes, I want her to leave me alone, unless it is for a legit reason, but part of that was my fault in just trying to avoid her at all costs.
I don't see myself as sitting on the fence, again no I don't want her the way she is. It's out of my hands whether or not she wakes up, but I think it could happen.
I just don't see the need to hurry up and make that decision to slam the door forever. Why? I think there is a healthy way to do this and it happens to be the most difficult way to go.
Even after the divorce your actions show you still want her back which is fine but you need to draw a line somewhere.
She does all the pursuing (all beit for some crazy reasons but still).
I am working hard NOT to treat her with anger, that is being the non crazy, responsible person. There is a way to place a boundary, make it stick and not get all caught up in an arguement or her BS and I need to work on this.
I can control myself better than I have been, and no I don't think that still says I want her back.
I don't mean for you to go to her with anger, just stand firm. My mind is saying one thing but when I type it out it says something different. I guess something is lost in translation.
I keep forgetting we are dealing with the opposite sex. I am dealing with a man who will get angry but then as most men do, let things go. You are dealing with a woman (and we both know how women are) who can sit on something and not budge for days. I know how I get when I get defensive so I know what you are going thru. I guess you are right, you are in a no win situation. We get a bee in our bonnet and all hell breaks loose.
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It's out of my hands whether or not she wakes up, but I think it could happen.
Yes it could happen. That is one of the reasons why I waited as long as I did. I had that hope also. Stranger things have happened. You are the only one who knows how long to wait. You will know when the time is right to move on. Until then, I say leave the door cracked but don't leave it open too far until she is ready to be the person you can live with.
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I just don't see the need to hurry up and make that decision to slam the door forever.
No, you don't need to make that decision right now. I never said you needed to.
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She does all the pursuing (all beit for some crazy reasons but still).
She does it because she is not ready to give you up. She wants to be on her own and live her life the way she wants but yet she doesn't want to give you up fully in the process. She knows you have stopped a lot of contact with her and maybe she is afraid if she doesn't call you or email you then she will lose hold of you all together. You are her security blanket. If you walk away from her then you are taking her security away.
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I can control myself better than I have been, and no I don't think that still says I want her back.
In my honest opinion, I think you are controlling yourself very well. We all have backslides at one point or another.
