We have lots of neighbors here in Limboland. No offense, but I can't wait to move out!
On the other hand, our neighbors here all have something in common...!
Me: 46 W: 46 M: 9.5 yrs D4, D9 D filed by her 11/3/08 Agrees to try rec at mediation 1/28/09 Says she still wants D in counseling 3/25/09 W and I back in DB counseling (!) 8/20/09 3rd Bomb 9/2/09
As I've been going through my dissolution paperwork, it occurred to me that perhaps at this stage that most of us are in, that the "friendship" concept is over-stating the case, setting the bar too high. Friendships evolve, and like Thinker most of us are still working ths problem of defining our own evolution within, through, and/or out of a marriage, a divorce, or even a limbo. So perhaps we need a somewhat more tractable concept for the in-process LBS - "friendship" with WAS is too fraught with feelings of betrayal, loss of control, fear (that by "friending" WAS we make it easier for her/him to walk away), sadness, reluctance to friend for fear that it would be a signal that LBS recognizes / accepts / perhaps even approves of the current status-quo.
So I propose we adopt a new word to describe cordial, non-hostile (and ideally familiar and cooperative) inter-personal dialog with WAS. And I propose that that word be (with mad props to Stephen Colbert): "Friendiness."
You can work on your M without pursuing and move on with live your life without harming your M. Your every move is being watched by your W. This is when you get to lead.
Coach, Will you please elaborate on this a little bit more. I am starting to think I'm getting this DB stuff. It's only been a year for me, and I'm not slow, but I've had a lot on my plate -- to put it mildly. I can work this out, with a little coaching.
Faith is a simple idea but hard to put into practice. Forgiveness is a powerful weapon in the love arsenal. If you ever had to ask for forgiveness and then receive it then you get the power of it. I wouldn't be so quick to just check a fellow human off my list.
Wow, for a thread that just started four days ago, it's amazing how far it has come. I could only get a third of the way through it before I got tired of all the deep intellectual thought that has been put into this thread already.
Thank you, Coach for the inspiration.
I, for one, am very with you on these thoughts of forgiveness and faith. (If interested, please see my thread on the forgiveness forum, under the name of love).
I could probably write a book about it on my own thread, but I refrain from writing much there, in retrospect, because so much has been learned and done, in this past year, to try and win him home. So, suffice it to say that I've practiced so many 180s that I could fill yet another book. And, still the best method of practicing being his friend has always been to "go dark." I came out of the dark on Monday, and I heard him say, to a sheriff's dispatch office, that we have been separated a year. (My sitch is so different than most here -- so please do not be alarmed. I know my boundaries and I think I follow them just outside the lines -- with good purpose and intention).
I would have easily been one of the DB lost causes last year at this time, had I not earnestly put into practice the true meaning of forgiveness. I've lived it; I've learned it, and I'm a product of it. Someday, when this process is all over, I'll put it to paper.
Coach, you must be an angel, winging your way through cyberspace, reaching out to those who really seem to see.
As I've been going through my dissolution paperwork, it occurred to me that perhaps at this stage that most of us are in, that the "friendship" concept is over-stating the case, setting the bar too high. Friendships evolve, and like Thinker most of us are still working ths problem of defining our own evolution within, through, and/or out of a marriage, a divorce, or even a limbo. So perhaps we need a somewhat more tractable concept for the in-process LBS - "friendship" with WAS is too fraught with feelings of betrayal, loss of control, fear (that by "friending" WAS we make it easier for her/him to walk away), sadness, reluctance to friend for fear that it would be a signal that LBS recognizes / accepts / perhaps even approves of the current status-quo.
So I propose we adopt a new word to describe cordial, non-hostile (and ideally familiar and cooperative) inter-personal dialog with WAS. And I propose that that word be (with mad props to Stephen Colbert): "Friendiness."
But, for "friendiness" to work in practice, doesn't the WAS have to know that the definition specifically precludes said signal or it fails to achieve its stated purpose?
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
A good question, AlexEN, and my top-of-head response is, "No, not at all." Because, again, LBS can't control what WAS does or thinks.
Friendiness is for LBS -- it's an intermediate step between hostility and relationshippy closeness.
Friendinesssays, "I'll treat you with respect [thought bubble: "even though you don't deserve it"], I'll treat you with kindness [thought bubble: "even though you didn't do that for me"], I'll work at preserving communication, (some) connection, and a cooperative spirit [thought bubble: "even though I'd like to b*tch-slap you upside the melon"] because doing that is good for me -- it brings a measure of peace, a measure of tranquility, a measure of Calm to my life [thought bubble: "but really just because I'm a much better person than you are"]."
WAS may take this as a signal of approval -- but then WAS could take anything as a signal of approval, even outright hostility by LBS because that's just a validation of WAS's own warped decision-matrix, so in a sense it's a peculiar kind of *ss-backwards approval (it is, at a minimum, enabling).
So who cares what WAS thinks? Friendiness is to help LBS cope, to relieve the burden of "I have to be 'friends' with this person?" No, I just have to be Friendy.
