Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[Sam1007]

Just being honest here....

I can understand that he doesn't know what to tell you. He's going on a trip with coworkers. He's telling you a long time in advance. What could he tell you that would reassure you? Saying nothing will happen? Saying that the women on the trip are not attractive? I don't think that would appease your mind. Am I wrong? I don't think there's anything he could say that would reassure you completely. You two are in this sitch and you will just have to trust each other blindly sometimes to rebuild the R, even if you feel like you are not ready for that yet. Isn't that part of rebuilding? You need to take some steps into unknown territory every once in a while or your sitch will be stagnant.

I guess you will have to decide if you want open up your vulnerability in the interest of rebuilding trust or not.

Just my random (honest) thoughts here...

[pearlharbr]

Thanks Puppy and Sam

You know I love you guys even though it seems you keep telling me the same thing and I'm still having a hard time with it.

Yes, what I am expecting BF to say is "You have nothing to worry about" and/or "What can I/we do to reassure you?" instead of his tone and attitude that conveys "So what?"

To be clear Puppy, I did not nor would I ever say to him that I did not want him to go on any business trip. I think he knows that (but will make sure to say it when we talk). I simply wanted to tell him how I was feeling and get some reassurance. I have told him many times that I do and would continue to need this reassurance. I'm frustrated because it feels like he's already decided he doesn't need to put in as much effort after a whopping two months.

I am very angry at him today. I didn't start out that way. I was thinking about what I would do tonight when he gets back from his trip (i.e. romantic evening or just answer the door naked) and all of a sudden I found myself pissed off that he managed to find the time to plan a romanic ski weekend for his whore for New Year's Eve but now his idea of a romantic getaway with me is to invite me along on the tail end of another business trip so we can spend 4th of July in MN or WI and by the way, it's up to me to make all the plans. And on top of this he tells me he has all this vacation time that he will never use up but it doesn't occur to him to actually use it to spend time with me.

And still upset with him not "protecting" me from FG.

I'm sure I'm overreacting and I'm sure my expectations are high. But I don't feel like I can lower them any more and keep my self respect. Either he can be the man I want and need or he can't. I'm not going to leave over this, it's just adding to a general feeling that this R may not be enough for me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I understand how you feel, Pearl, I really do. And you may very well be entitled to feel this way, and to get this from him. But if it were me, I'd probably throw up my hands in helplessness, and think that there's no pleasing you. At least that's how it comes across on here.

Puppy

[pearlharbr]

Maybe there isn't.

[MrBond]

I think you need to step back and concentrate on forgiving. Like really letting go of all the resentment that you have built up in you.

He can't mindread you all the time and you can't EXPECT him to do what you want when he doesn't know what to do. It's the expectations that you have to purge yourself of.

Even if this R doesn't work out, I have a feeling that this "problem" (sorry to use that term but I don't know what else to call it) is going to follow you to every R you have.

If you two get M, I have a feeling you're going to feel that way about your kids too if they don't do what you think they should.

It's more a matter of doing it for yourself. You don't want to live with hate, anger, bitterness and resentment in you. Maybe you have to do some kind of cleansing ritual or some kind of religious talk about forgiveness.

Just my 2cents.

[Sam1007]

What I was saying in my post above wasn't meant as it's not normal for you to feel this way. It was to say it IS normal for you to feel insecure at this point, this state of mind. But YOU have to get out of that state of mind, don't rely on BF to get you out of that.

Yes, what I am expecting BF to say is "You have nothing to worry about"

Would that have calmed your mind?

"What can I/we do to reassure you?"

What would your answer have been to that question?

I think you are expecting him to get you out of this way of thinking by his actions, but what I am saying is that he can't. At some point or another, it's gonna take some blind trust that you probably are not ready to give, but you just have to. If that trust is then not broken, then you will start feeling comfortable with that level of trust, and so on. BF can't build your trust in him without you giving him some.

Same thing about replaying hurtful actions from him in the past. It builds anger and resentment, but what do you gain with that? BTW, it's all normal! I have these thoughts daily, trust me! But I have learned to let it go and I get over my anger and resentment in a couple of minutes now. During my vacation, she would do some things that remind me of hurtful moments and I got angry, but she's right there and so I HAD to get it out of me and I was able to. Try to look for the positives and the future, I believe that is the way forward.

[pearlharbr]

Yes, what I am expecting BF to say is "You have nothing to worry about"

Would that have calmed your mind?

Actually, yes. Probably not completely but it would definitely have stopped the ramping up of emotions.

"What can I/we do to reassure you?"

What would your answer have been to that question?

Meet the new people I don't know, give me a detailed itinerary, call every evening. Things we've already discussed. None of this is new, he just isn't doing the things we've already agreed on and it's frustrating that I have to remind him constantly. And the fact that he can tell what's bothering me and doesn't just jump in. He admits that he knows what's going on and what to say to calm me down but he just doesn't do it. He said he will work on not being afraid to interrupt me and difuse the situation.

We did talk last night. I brought up all of the things that were bothering me and he responded to each one. Although I dislike being a waterworks on a regular basis it does feel good to get things out in the open and resolved rather than just let them build up.

One surprising thing I got out of the conversation was that he is jealous from time to time and always has been, he just never said anything because he knows that I can take care of myself and he trusts me. I know it's a Catch-22 situation but I explained that I need to feel like he's a little bit protective of me because I'm worth protecting. He said he does feel that way but didn't want to come across as possessive.

So in the end we kissed and made up and spent a restless night on the bad mattress. I remember why I got the Tempur-Pedic! Hopefully I'll remember that when I get annoyed that we spend all our time together at the house rather than his apartment.

[Sam1007]

OK, so you do have some renewed trust in him already if you can reassured by him saying that you have nothing to worry about. I didn't think that would have reassured you a couple of months ago. So, good!

It's also very good to discuss these things in a calm manner and "defuse" it that way. I am glad you guys had a good conversation! So, apparently he DID notice the FG with you!! Just trying to imagine being BF in that situation, I think I do understand his fear of acting possessive at this point. He's still unsure of what the R is between the 2 of you and acting possessive might worsen things. Also, towards him, you have always been very clear and strong about what you want and not afraid to set boundaries, so it makes sense for him to believe that you are more than capable of handling FG.

You're in a difficult process pearl! On the one hand you were detached from BF and being independent and strong. It seems to me you have made a big change in that regard to being much more dependent on/affected by his actions right now. Maybe that's why BF is not sure on how to behave?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You're a wise man, Sam.

[pearlharbr]

On the one hand you were detached from BF and being independent and strong. It seems to me you have made a big change in that regard to being much more dependent on/affected by his actions right now. Maybe that's why BF is not sure on how to behave?

Interesting and true point. I figured that I couldn't remain emotionally detached and work on the R. It wasn't working for me plus everyone was saying to open up more and be more trusting. So now it seems that I'm too attached? I just can't see the happy medium.

Also I'm not sure how much more dependent I'm being from pre-bomb days, I'm just being open with him about it. Before I would have felt the same way but been too scared to rock the boat to discuss it.