It's Complicated! Part 6

[peacetoday]

Glam
I so agree with you
I also see the dads in the neighborhood being Available to yheir kids and wives..They appear devoted and committed
MY XH is the opposite of that and unfortunately unreachable
he will never admit to abandoning his children one at 5 other at 11
he will live his life pretending he is OK
pretending he is not in debt
pretending the D was mutual
pretending he did not have an A
I am ok
MY only real regret at thios point is for my kids, that they will bear the scars of such a sick father
one who lives in a land of pretend
peace

[TRUSTING]

Peace,

I could of wrote that exact same thing.
Makes me cry...

[glamgirl]

BH I don't see my h as spoiled by any means. Renting a room, depression, no job how could that be spoiled? He is not happy, but he doesn't get himself out of the mess he is in. I do see him not taking responsibility, if that is what you mean. Sure I could be enabling that somewhat, but if I cut off all contact would it really make a difference? Not until my h wants it to make a difference.

Peace you are so right, a life of pretend. I like that view. Yes, let me pretend I am not living elsewhere, let me chat with my neighbors as if I live at home, let me just pretend I have a job and life is grand. Yikes! Wow, when do they come out of that life and what will it take for that to happen? Gee does someone need to die, before they wake up?

H is suppose to be over today to clean the garage. We are then going to have a garage sale and use any money we make to buy the Wii system for the kids. I am a bit tired today myself. I think the weather makes me sleepy. Cloudy today. Makes you want to just stay in bed and watch movies.

[Upside]

Hi glam-
It is a life of pretend. For our H's, they pretend to be a family and then they pretend that they don't. They pretend they are working on a solution to reconcile...but in reality all they can seem to handle is the status quo. I wish I knew what it took for them to snap out of this...I certainly hope it doesn't take a death.

Good luck with getting your garage cleaned.

[glamgirl]

Well the garage did not get cleaned today. Suprise suprise, h was a no show. He did text late in the day and said not coming going back to bed. Come on now, did I really expect him?

His track record is quite good for not showing and sleeping all day or whatever it is he does.

Now I could have started the garage without him, but wasn't up to it. I was tired today myself. I have to make sure I work out because that is what has been giving me energy. When I don't work out I feel lack of focus and lack motivation.

We will see what the week brings.

[job]

Glam,
I'm sorry he didn't show up to assist w/the cleaning of the garage. However, I'm very proud of you for not doing it by yourself. You'll have another day to this, but I'm going to suggest something for you to try. Okay?

It appears that when you and your h plan things, the plans fall through...so, why not make plans for the coming weekend as a spur of the moment thing for him? In other words, you plan what you want done, but don't tell him until he gets there. There is a method to his madness and something clicked on your posting...passive agressive behavior. Your h has done of the exact same things that my xh did and yes, my xh was depressed as heck prior to walking out the door and as far as I can tell, still remains that way today, i.e., still self-medicating with the internet chat rooms and now Twitter. I found that when I didn't tell him what I would like to have done, it went smoother and no excuses could be thought up for that particular day.

I know that I've said this before, but keep expectations at zero and you've done well this weekend with that! I wish that I could get inside his head and see what is going on w/him, but it's nothing more than depression and most likely passisve aggressive behavior at work too. Be kind to yourself and take a rest when you need it.

[Upside]

Hi glam-
I wish I had advice for you but it so hard to know what to do when you don't know what is going on inside someone else's head.

I know what you mean about the lack of focus and motivation. I feel this so often myself. We spend so much time and energy trying to muddle through this. I constantly have to make myself to-do lists just so I can focus on what I need to get done. Don't beat yourself up over not cleaning the garage yourself...it's not going anywhere and it sounds like you could use the rest.

(((HUGS)))

[Truelove]

Hi glamgirl,

Thank you for posting to me.

Whenever I read yous posts I keep thinking that you need so much patience to stand. But you seem to do a good job and I just hope for you that things will work out the way you would like them to.

Have a lovely and stressless week. (((HUGS)))

[glamgirl]

Well h came over on sunday and we got a good start on the garage. H is a very good organizer. He did blow out the garage and knocked out the pilot on the water heater. Didn't know until today when I wanted a nice hot shower. Didn't happen. Oh well he was here today and lit it.

H did a little more cleaning and dug out his golf clubs from the garage today. He is connecting with the neighbor men and setting up golf dates. This would be a first in 3 years. Those clubs have been hidden all this time. I think this is a great step for my h. I think it's good that he is making some men connections. Hopefully this is just what my h needs.

He seems to like our next door neighbor, who is a great friend, h and father. Good man to have as a friend. My h was bonding with him today and gave him some stuff from the garage. It was very generous and thoughtful of my h. More like the thoughtful and generous man I m.

Thanks Snodderly for the advice. I will try that. TL you do need so much patience. I am so busy with my work and the kids that I don't have as much time to focus on my h and his lack there of. Trying not to have any expectations. He suprised me today with more of his old self. He actually wanted to start doing things for a change. I hope it's just not talk.

Upside thanks for stopping by. It seems we are in the same place at times and can relate. Not sure where we are headed, but I guess does it really matter?

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Glam!

..... I think it's good that he is making some men connections. Hopefully this is just what my h needs.....

There's a book titled "Surviving Male Menopause" by Jed Diamond that I found a huge help and it said that male connections are a major help in getting through it successfully!! Men actually have more estrogen as they age and wome more testosterone. This is actually referred to as the "gender switch". It's why some old women get mustaches!

Anyway, more estrogen, as we know means more emotions and men aren't used to dealing with that and often don't have as many outlets for that like we women do. So, getting more involved with male bonding type stuff is very helpful!

Take care, amiga!

((((((Hugs))))))