First Timer

[spellfire]

Some questions for you...

What would you say are her major complaints about you, not just recently but over the course of your R?

Are you capable of changing?

Would you describe yourself as strong/independent/stubborn/alpha type personality, or more yielding/dependent/big softy type?

[wolverine1997]

She says that I am argumentative and do not speak up at times. She has often complained that I try to regulate the family around my time table and schedule. Some of her points are valid and I have been trying to improve over the years. I think that I am a lot better in some areas and need to continue to improve in others.

I would describe myself as pretty independant, mild mannered, more of a giver than a taker. I am generally none confrontational, yielding person. I'm a do what you gotta do, get'er done type. Most would say that I'm pretty easy going and not easily phased.

[MrBond]

Now that's more like it.

Did you include her in your life, like activities and such? There is a contradiction in saying you're argumentative, don't speak up, yet regulate the family around your timetable.

Do you pout when you don't get your way?

As for your W, what was she like before the kids? Be as specific as possible. What drew you two together? When was the last time you saw her happy? The going out with friends is just a band aid. When did you last see her genuinely happy with life?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yes. I'd suggest that you take some quiet time to contemplate, PRAY if you're so inclined, and really get inside your own head and heart and DECIDE what your boundaries are.

And then communicate them to your wife.

And then enforce them.

Otherwise, you are rudderless and swinging wildly from encounter to encounter, and just acting on your emotions.

Puppy

[wolverine1997]

My wife and I did lots of things together and I always considered her before making decisions. She feels that I am argumentative with her but often won't speak up when dealing with others.

For the most part I don't insist on having my way. I usually go with the flow don't mind doing things that she likes. At times though I probably do pout when I don't have my way. But rarely do I insist on having things my way.

Before the kids she was generally happy. She liked to spend lots of time with her family. She liked to travel and entertain. LOVED shopping and spending money. She liked decorating the house. She has always been somewhat selfish but very loving. She rarely finished things that she started.

What drew us together? I would have to say the fact that we are opposite in some ways. I think that we compliment each other well. Her strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa.

The last time I saw her happy was before the assault a few years ago. The last time I saw her truly happy was before we started dealing with my sons autism. She became very stressed out after he was born. Between the assault and the autism she hasn't been very happy in a long time.

[wolverine1997]

It's hard for me to set boundaries because everything keeps changing. I have some boundaries that I refuse to adjust and she knows what they are. But overall, I am in new territory and don't really know what to do.

[wolverine1997]

Wife got home from work couple of hours ago. She immediately sent the kids to bed and ignored me. I initiated a conversation about the meeting she just attended for her job. We talked for about five minutes. She will talk a little about work if I initiate the conversation. But it's usually a "just the facts" kind of conversation. No emotion, no opinions, no passion. Just cold facts and yes and no answers. She is now off to my daughters room to go to sleep. I wonder what my daughter (13) is thinking. She has to be wondering why mom doesn't sleep with daddy anymore. Hard to know what to do next or how to handle things.

[wolverine1997]

Just wondering. I finished reading DB about a week ago or so. Should I talk to my wife about the book and ask her to read it? I know I'm not supposed to talk about the relationship but if she would read the book it may change her thinking on some things. Need help here!

[givingitmyall]

NO. NO. NO.

The book, and its techniques are for you. Not her. If she reads it, she may view your changes as fake or just a ploy to get her to stay.

[wolverine1997]

Thanks, I was starting to get desperate. Every bit of encouragement helps.