First Timer

[givingitmyall]

I'm relatively new to this too. Good idea not to make any decisions while your emotions have control. I know, when do they not in this situation we have all been drug to?

The important thing, and something I still struggle with, is to focus on YOU and the kids. You have no control over your W, and the truth is, none of us have ever had that control.

The process is not going to be easy. But nothing worthwhile is.

Deep breath and relax. If you are religious, pray, and pray often. Many times, that is all that gets me through the day.

And, stay in touch with these forums. There are many otehrs her that are going through the same situation as you, as well as others who have WAY more experience than me who will help.

Stay strong.

[wolverine1997]

Thanks. The hard part, for me anyway, is knowing what to do next. Do I do a 180, last resort or go dark? I think I'm doing a little of everything. This is very overwhelming.

[wolverine1997]

I'm buying concert tickets for the kids and me, should I ask my wife if she wants to go or should I do a 180 and just tell her that the kids and I are going? On one hand not inviting her would be different but on the other hand any time spent together can strengthen the relationship. What do you all think?

[Astimegoeson]

She rarely finished things that she started.

Is she still like this?

You know, I've read your story and it's unique in the way your W has had very traumatic experiences in her life. Most outside your control. I can see where your lines are blurred as far as your boundaries go between compassion and the objection to her behavior.

Some WAW's I hear about on here I sometimes have a hard time having any sympathy or compassion for. Most are just very selfish and mean whilst they go through their 'change of life', 'MLC', whatever you want to call it. We have contributed to some of that anger, but most the time, their irrational actions are not always justified even if they believe that. Yours is a little different because of what she's been through with the assault and the special needs of your S. It may be in your W's case, she may be emotionally damaged. Justifiable so, but not necessarily your fault.

The fact she resist help is troubling though. If I would have any beef with her, it would be that she won't seek help or counsel. Also, this doctor she has that doesn't believe in medication, dismiss him and seek another doctor. If he has an objection to the comfort and welfare of his patients over moral grounds, then he shouldn't have gone into this field IMHO. Besides, witch doctors don't usually charge a fee so she getting ripped off with this one.

As it stands now, she sounds like a lump on the log. What fun can you have with her at a concert? Don't invite her.

[wolverine1997]

Interesting that you would say not to invite her as I had just come to the same conclusion. I'm reading another book entitled "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson and he encourages similar techniques as DB. After reading the first few chapters I decided not to invite my wife to the concert. I'm also thinking of taking the kids on vacation and not inviting her to that also. This would be a big 180 for me since I am a huge family guy. But this may get the ball rolling. Thanks.

[wolverine1997]

Thanks Astimegoeson, I really appreciate your comments. It's comforting to hear that someone understands my situation. I honestly think that things would be fine if not for the depression, especially after the assualt. Part of me is hurting for her and part of me angry at her for not getting help. How do you make a person see that they need help? You can't. Lines are often blurred and confused for me.

[Astimegoeson]

How do you make a person see that they need help? You can't. Lines are often blurred and confused for me.

Know that your doing your best to save your family. No matter what your best intentions try to accomplish, it's ultimately her choice in the end.

I do think that in this case, your actions will speak louder than words. By not inviting her you accomplish a few things here. Number one is your GAL and this is for your own peace of mind. Your going to need that peace if your going to survive this ordeal. Secondly, your reminding her of what she will miss if she stays on her present course... the love and security of an intact family. Thirdly, your displaying strength that you can and will move forward and be happy without her if that's her choice. That's an attractive quality from a Woman's perspective.

You can lovingly detach. She has to at least start to understand what her choices will mean in the future.

[wolverine1997]

Funny how things make more sense and sound more logical coming from someone else. I've been thinking about these things over the last couple weeks and my thoughts have been all over the place. What you are saying makes perfect sense. Thanks.

[Astimegoeson]

I've been thinking about these things over the last couple weeks and my thoughts have been all over the place.

So were mine back in the day. This place was a treasure trove for me as far as insight into the WAS mind goes. I had no ideal what I was up against.

Your going to notice how amazingly similar the stories are on here. It will comfort you to know your journey is not as unique as you might imagine.

[wolverine1997]

Question to all. How can I go about doing an 180? My wife only talks to me about kids, bills, etc. She won't talk to me about anything else or spend any time with me. Usually I would try to engage her in converstation, ask her about her day or tell her about mine with little interest from her. Now that I'm not pursuing and not trying to engage her it seems that I am doing exactly what she wants. She doesn't want to talk. So am I playing right into her hands? What to do.