My W seems remarkably like Mrs. Charlie Brown. Not in touch with her feelings, doesn't have much to say, never tells me ILY, etc. Usually impenetrable. She tells me she is "in this" and wants to work things out to save our marriage, but I am now having a hard time believing this.
And yet, every once in a while I am able to "spark her up" at bedtime to the point where we have a nice make-out session together. When this happens, it seems like I just scoot over next to her in bed, say a few sweet nothings, and start caressing her, kissing her on the neck, working my way to her lips, and finally to kissing her deeply. She DOES seem to get pretty aroused when I am able to get something going. This has happened twice in the past 2 months, after NOTHING for the five years before that.
In and out of therapy this month I have made the terrible, idiot mistake of asking for permission. This has led to a significant setback for us. I really wish I had avoided this trap, but I wanted for us to TALK about intimacy and sex (in and out of therapy) and somehow I made the wussy mistake of asking for permission. I urge anyone reading this to avoid making the same mistake. I NEED to press my case, I need to PUSH. I need to lovingly approach and initiate what I want WITHOUT asking permission or seeking approval, and then be prepared to accept NO graciously, but not EXPECT a certain outcome.
Naturally I want to find some way to recapture the magic of what happened in those 2 make-outs we had recently. It seems like if I had better "sweet nothings" to say to whisper to my W in that kind of situation that it might help significantly. Do any of you experts - CB, Bagheera, LG, etc. have any suggestions?
Thanks in advance!!
Last edited by Vigilant1; 06/18/0904:14 PM.
ME: 46/W:44 M: 6 years S: 4 Bomb: 1/20/09 SSM 2004-present marital therapy began 2/09 neither of us want divorce.. yet
I find myself asking for permission and I think it is because it is a way of softening rejection. The problem is, it also increases the likelihood of rejection and doesn't send a message of confidence that my wife (and I think most women) wants to see in her man.
My answer to your question is in your second paragraph. Do exactly what you were doing but skip asking for permission.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
How is your relationship outside the bedroom? Are you meeting your W where she wants to be met? The 5 Love Languages that are so often discussed up in Newcomers comes to mind. Have you taken time to figure out your W's love language? Is it Acts of Service, Quality Time... I wonder if you did some research here, and then started to consider and act upon what she values as a demonstration of love. This change might warm her up to you and make her appreciate you more. THEN the door will be open to her heart and her lips and her....
I already thought of this starting 5 months ago. I tried very hard to figure this out and then I acted on it. I read the 5 Love Languages book and it seems like her main love languages are Acts of Service, and then gifts. I have been working hard on doing lots of things to show I care for many months. The effects of this effort seem pretty minimal, so I'm not sure I really have it right. We also do "date night" once a week.
I did what the book suggested to diagnose her love languages, but she remains very withdrawn most of the time, despite my efforts to engage her and show that I care for her. If anything, I am now worried that my springtime push to show my caring only resulted in further "doormat-ification".
I still feel like she is stonewalling and indifferent. And I also think that I have to keep trying to work on MYSELF, with the understanding that she may simply refuse to change at all. I am now 5 months into this recovery effort, and I am thinking that I will give it a year at the most. Already, friends and family are advising me to "flee". But I won't because I love her and I don't want to break up my family.
Last edited by Vigilant1; 06/18/0906:12 PM.
ME: 46/W:44 M: 6 years S: 4 Bomb: 1/20/09 SSM 2004-present marital therapy began 2/09 neither of us want divorce.. yet
No matter what she does (stonewalling, for example,) know that she is taking it in. She is taking everything in. Every word and every action. Continue doing good things for yourself and making an effort to make her happy. She can see it, and she will be forced to reckon with it eventually.
I'm not advising you to be a puppy dog, as I wholly agree with Bagheera about you displaying confident leadership. Do what feels right and good, without reading and monitoring her reaction. Just put good solid "stuff" out there and leave it alone.
It has been about a month and I could use some advice.
W has been back from training for over a month and life has been really crappy for us since due to her work demands. She has been on the road a lot and once she is home, on the computer until 10 or 11 (she is in pharma sales). I thought at first that this was because of her being new and a learning curve, but I now believe her boss (D.I.N.K.) expects it. Obviously, ML (or date night, or picking up the kids, grocery shopping, whatever) is not a priority and it is already taking a toll on our family and my job (not cool when the boss is cutting out at 3:30 everyday to pick his kids up and not able to travel).
Anyway, I don't want to sound like I am complaining because I know how many people are suffering financially and we were really blessed for her to be hired so quickly after being downsized, but...
She is out of town at a conference for 4 days and totally miserable. Before she left we talked Saturday night about the possibility of her being a stay at home mom. Things have happened recently in our business that have allowed me to have a good year (again, I apologize to those who aren't but it is relevant to the sitch) and I am finally able to pay off my school loans and put away enough "rainy day" money that we could have her stay home. We have never been in a financial position to do this and I am really proud that my situation is providing that option. I fell very blessed.
Sounds great, right? Well...
Thing is, I have seen the pattern all too often (including on her) where this has the opposite effect on the marriage and ml than what I am hoping for. Frankly, if she is not going to focus on the m and ml is not going to improve, I would prefer we keep the income and she should find another job. So, I told her this Saturday. My thought was that she is not quitting her job, she is accepting a different job and in that job I will have expectations, such as truly partnering with me on improving the marriage and our sl, taking good care of herself by working out, becoming more active in the kids education, including spending more time at school, etc. I wasn't a wuss about it either, so thanks for all the NMMNG tips.
Here is my question. I just found out tonight that my mid-year bonus is going to be what I was hoping and we could have her put in her notice if that is the decision. But, I want to reinforce my expectations and her commitments from Saturday so that there is no ambiguity. How do I do this without beating a dead horse? I was thinking of writing a mock offer letter to her explaining the job and why I think she is a great candidate or a mock letter to her boss explaining why she is taking her "new job" and what her qualifications are, or, we could sit down and talk again when she flies back tomorrow night. Thoughts?
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
