Sorry I didn't explain it better, but W is house sitting down in town about 20 miles away and when she packed up she had the attitude of kids with me for her work week and then with her on her days off at the house sitting house,then back with me next week. I asked if she was coming back on her days off to wash clothes or see the dogs or anything and she said that she need to have some space and she will see me when the owners of the house return next week.
I feel like it is a test, or a mini seperation, but then this AM she called and chatted on the phone like everything was OK. I tried super hard to not pursue or ask her if we could see her for dinner, and as of now (7:00 pm) she hasn't called after work and I am not going to call her.
As far as getting outside, I am/or was a very active person. My job allows me plenty of time outside in the mountains and am very greatful for that. Today I hung out with the kids and just enjoyed the day with them.
I was invited to two BBq's this weekend and then camping next weekend with some other friends so I am working on GAL and moving forward hoping WAW will want to come along. She will hear about the camping trip, so we shall see.
Hope this all makes sense and I do apologize if it feels like I am hijacking your thread. I feel like we are all in this together and it gives me peace and comfort knowing others are hurting and struggling as well.
By the way, just take the bike to bike shop and have them do a complete tune up on it. Some shops can do that while you wait, or by the end of they day and then you will have it for the weekend (if it ever stops raining here in CO).
Doesn't feel like a hijack at all... it's just nice to talk to people going through the same stuff.
Thanks for the suggestion about a bike shop... I think I'll do that and stop feeling frustrated about the tire. Thx!
Good job with the conversation this morning. Keep at it! Gotta stay busy and your plans for BBq's and camping sound perfect! Maybe W will want to come along but if she doesn't, you go and have a good time! It caught me off guard last weekend how many stars there are in the sky without the light pollution! I hope you have the same wow-factor! There is much to be thankful, even in the mist of a S.
The kids (S/11, D/10, D/6) know something is up. As you know they are very keen on everything that is going on and I am picking up they think it is strange that mommy is housesitting.
She always travels with her job a lot in the summer and will be gone up to three weeks at a time, so they are used to her being gone during the summers.
And with summer here they have lots of time on their hands (as I do) and I am trying to keep them busy with play dates, sports and activities. Kinda like GAL for dad and the kids.
W finally called this AM and chatted like all was well. I am really trying not to ask her questions like what she did last night, and not be so curious as to what she is thinking or doing. She has said many times that I am overbearing even though it feels like to me I have made a 180 on this.
Today I went to MC alone after W went last week alone and C supported and validated that my wife is a WAW and is struggling with parenthood, being married to me and is having a MLC. C supported me and even though she isn't a DB coach, she made me feel like I am doing a good job of applying the DB techniques and encouraged me to be patient and keep up the good work.
W called after my IC and was very curious as to how it went. I am trying to go a little dim (not dark) and I think it has helped.
On another note, my wife has instituted a do not touch rule and has had it in place for about three months. I am struggling with this very much and getting frustrated, but feel like I need to be patient and not push, or pursue, no matter how badly I desire to even hold her hand.
As I stated above, I really feel like this is a major test, and if I can keep my cool, not pursue and let her have time to her self while she is house sitting, and then next week I am taking the kids on a 5 day camping / vacation hopefully it will help both her and me.
Thanks for the support....it does help me A LOT to come here and read about the struggles that we are all going through.
As my C keeps telling me, breath in and exhale and say over and over "I am so greatful" with every breath.
Have a great weekend and hopefully you can enjoy a bike ride between rain showers.
Your kids probably suspect more than you even think, especially the older two. Going dim seems like the best plan for you... not dark because you still see & talk to each other, and presumably she'll be coming back to the house after house-sitting.
The no-touching is hard, isn't it! I'd give just about anything to have a hug from my H but it just isn't going to happen rt now. Gotta detach and give them their space. Keep up the good work. The camping trip will be good for you and the kids.
I did go for a bike ride tonight, and guess who got the tire fixed by herself? Uh-huh, that's right - me!! I played with all the lil' valve stem things and eventually got it pumped, got the tread back on and enjoyed a nice ride (without any rain!). Back on the porch now with a glass of vino and some nightly DB readings, haha!
I wrote back to my FIL tonight re: how things are going. He'd asked me when I thought I'd lost myself and stopping putting myself first. I wrote back very honestly abt when I thought it was (after the kids got into HS), and why and how I'd stopped being a fun, spontaneous person and stopped putting my H's needs and my own needs first. Become a supreme nag, judgmental and uptight. I gave my response a lot of thought today because I know I can't control what H is doing, or even know how/if he feels he contributed to our sitch, but I can and need to be honest about my role so I can own it and not make the same mistakes in the future. Hopefully that future will be a new M with my H, but if not, I really want to be a better person.
I was listening to Michael Jackson music today, who isn't?, and the lyrics to the Man in the Mirror song are so well written...
I'm starting with the man in the mirror I'm asking if he'll change his ways...
If you want to make the world a better place Take a look at yourself and make the change!
Weird night. I invited my BF and H (who works with my H) over for dinner to thank them for being there for me the last couple months.
BF's H said he talked with H about possibly filing for D. Said he didn't have a problem with the D if that's what needs to happen, but does have a problem with H hanging out with OW. Said my friends saw the guys try to put the moves on me on the raft trip but knew it was the guy.. not me.
Can't stop myself from wondering tonight... does H think about me? Did he hear about the 'friend' and was there any reaction? Am I fooling myself - will H ever want to try again or am I being a fool?
It's strange talking to people that don't u/s DB'g... it seemed like everyone wants us to just move on, end the pain, find someone better...
But I just don't feel like that's what I should do. I think my H screwed up. But if the stupid A will just end (WHEN??!!) I think we could have a chance.
I feel semi-insane but it's the only thing keeping me going!
Don't go by what your friends and family want you to do. They just want you to stop hurting, and it's selfish in a way because they feel uncomfortable when they see you hurting, and they don't want to be uncomfortable anymore. You do what your heart tells you to do, and if that's to continue to DB, even when things seem the darkest...then you do that! Coach and Bridgestone say that your every move is being watched closely by your WAS...whether you know it or not. Yeah...he's thinking about you. You just keep DB'n, if that's what you're led to do. Take care of yourself, get better and get stronger. Enjoy your kiddos...be the absolute best mother, woman, and partner that you can possibly be. Focus on yourself and your kids. Take care mnt_dreams.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I will second what antlers said.....don't go by what any friends or family say or advice. I know for sure that, for me, I am the only one willing to fight for my M....but, well, I have the most to lose. Everyone else just gets the "new start" and no more Uncertainty. Most people are very uncomfortable with uncertainty. THis is what makes the DBers so amazing! We know that the sitch with S is uncertain, but what we focus on is ourselves......the only thing that we can be certain about. My focusing on us is the only time we also don't feel anxiety.
At least that is the way I see it. For now, I have just decided to tell everyone that we are trying to work things out and we will reasses in a year's time. I just don't want anyone else's input. I am depending on this site and all of you.
I think you H is definately thinking about you. How can he NOT? Although he is running from you, he cannot run from himself for very long and not from his thoughts. I think the WAS are trying really hard not to..........but, its exhausting to actively NOT think of something. Try it. Try not thinking of ice cream.......if that is your love...........for a day....by the end of it, most of us will find ourselves at Baskin Robbins!
You are doing so well. I take so much inspiration and strenght from you. Keep PMA and remember that you have changed. I think we LBS will never be the same again. I, for one, will remember to NOT ignore myself. I thought letting myself go meant that I looked bad.........its not that..............its the state of mind where you are so comfortable, you just stop trying to see and live the possibilities in life.
Be good to yourself mnt_dreams and just like you relied on your own feelings while falling in love with H and deciding to marry H, you must rely only on yourself right now while fighting for your H and his mental/emotional stability and your R!
Lots of hugs this morning. I think you are amazing! Have a wonderful day!
feeling better this am. You're right about them wanting the hurt to end... That helps to see it from their perspective. WAS are watching... and as orchid mentioned, they are looking for the consistency. I have to drop some mail off at wk for H today... another chance to look fab and show him I'm doing just fine!
My heart tells me to keep at it... and I'm not a quitter! I'm going to get out today with my D. S's basketball takes a lot of time and attention, and I don't want D to feel neglected. So we'll go have some mommy-dtr time! She's 16, but she's still my baby!
Good point about being the one with the most to lose, so of course we're going to fight for our M's! Yes, the uncertainly is hard for most people, so that makes sense that they want us to just get a fresh start. And yet, we're learning by applying the DB concepts to trust ourselves, have faith, have patience... and let go. If/when WAS comes back, we are going to be so much stronger and better partners!
I love the ice cream analogy! Perfect!
Yes, I have changed and we are all getting stronger. I will work harder at R's b/c that's all that really matters in the end. My uncle's funeral and the upcoming one for the other uncle reminds me of that... it's abt how we loved others and treated people. And I agree with you, letting ourselves go wasn't just in physical ways... it is a state of mind.
Don't you feel more alive now?! I know I do! I'm living each day with more purpose! A plan, a goal, a dream. Just making the most of each day's opportunities!
I played with all the lil' valve stem things and eventually got it pumped, got the tread back on and enjoyed a nice ride (without any rain!). Back on the porch now with a glass of vino and some nightly DB readings, haha!