Ughh, my wife is pushing the divorce as fast as she can:( She has been this way from the start. It is like it is just another task that she has to finish. Of corse she wants to accuse me of stalling it;)
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
My wife of 8.5 years told me at the end of March that she was done,was not in love with me and did not want to try therapy. I found the DR book about 4 weeks after the bomb. My question is,has anyone ever brought their WAS around by standing up for yourself and taking everythinf that is owed to you in the divorce settlement? We have two beautifull little girls. I was mister mom to the youngest(21 month old)for the first 6 months of her life. My wife made almost 4 times more money that I did in 2008 and she really does not want to pay me child support. I have finally come to the point that I dont care if my wife can afford it or not but that I have to do what is best for my kids.
I'm not sure if anyone has brought their spouse around by doing what you have mentioned but you should still do it, doing so means that you respect yourself, she is used to getting her way, wanting things to be done quickly, quicker for her means less time for you to analyze the situation and find out how much she owes which sounds considerable if you she makes 4 times as much as you do.
Tell her you will be pursuing whatever child support & alimony is applicable in your situation. If she plays the man/woman game where a man shouldn't seek support from his wife, etc. You tell her that it's 2009, men & women are equal and unfortunately there are prices to pay for these decisions.
Stand your ground, don't be an ass about it but just let her know that you won't be bullied into making a quick decision to benefit her. If she wants the divorce that badly, she will have deal with the consequences of the divorce and a loss of money is a huge consequence of divorce.
I am asking this because 2 weeks ago my wife and I had an interesting conversation on the phone that was sparked by divorce talk. She was complaining about getting a bill in the mail from her lawyer. She was trying to guilt me into just agreeing with her proposal saying that the kids will be hurt if she has to pay me child support. But then I told her that I was not going to change my mind and left the house. She called me 15 minutes later and we had a 40 minute convo. It had been 3 months without any real communication between us about us. For about 1.5 months I have been doing a good job of going dark, LRT, etc.
Did you ask her why she believed the kids would be hurt by her paying you child support?
I would ask if she thought divorce would hurt the kids more than her paying child support?
Most children I'm sure would rather have a family instead of growing up with divorced parents. They suffer emotionally because of it.
Rob, thank you for your response. I did just what you said about 3 weeks ago and it did spark a conversation. I told her that I had no anger towards her but that I was going to take care of my children. If that means taking child support from her then so be it. I also told her that it was the natural consequence of her choices that she has made. I even told her that I understand her choice to leave(thanks to divorce remedy and the forums!) I have stayed away from talk about divorce hurting the kids because she would only see it as a guilt trip. Is'nt that a DB no no?
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
She believes they will be hurt because she will have less money to buy them clothes,gifts,better school, etc. But these are all things that I will be using HER money for. They will still get the same amount of care. I think it just comes down to her resenting me for taking CS.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
yes she resents you for many things, hence the divorce.
Plus there are stereotypes to deal with: - men should suffer - women have power now, they've taken it to an extreme and men should suffer some more - men should tough it out and be penniless after a divorce, women should get lots of money because their husbands were the source of all the problems - men support women, women don't support men so men shouldn't ask for child support or alimony - etc. etc. etc.
It's 2009, women & men are equal. If you listen to her about what she feels is right regarding child support, she will take your power away again. She is trying to make you feel small & less valuable by making you feel guilty by taking money from her, don't fall for that trap. If the situations were reversed, she wouldn't hesitate to ask you for child support.
You will use the child support to .... support your children. That's why it's child support. She makes a decent wage, if she has to pay child support it's because that's what she has to do.
I'm surprised child support would even be awarded for joint custody issues where both parents have the children and equal amount of time but if your wife truly does make alot more money than you do, CS is the way to go. She rushes you and uses guilt to make you change your mind, just remember that.
I think it just comes down to her resenting me for taking CS.
So what if she resents you?
She owns the decision to divorce, let her own the consequences too. Don't be cruel and abusive, but do not under any circumstances allow her to use guilt or anything else to manipulate you. Don't allow her fake "pleasantness" placate you either. Don't let her posture for an advantage.
Some of these manipulative women just make me want to throw up.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Doesn't your state have a CS calculator? This is how most states do it, to ensure there is nothing other than the facts involved in the CS amount and who pays who. It is all just a formula based on incomes, expenses and amount of time spent with each parent. In our state, you cannot change the amount set by the calculator at all - - so if your state is the same, then she needs to accept that this isn't about whether you are trying to "make her pay", its about an impersonal formula and is not even your decision. If the formula says she has to pay you, then she has to pay you, and that is that.
I hope for your sake your state uses such a formula, so that you can take away from her the idea that it is your fault or plan to "make her pay".
Yes, my state uses a calculator for CS. When she asked me to leave she also took on all of the bills and childcare. My lawyer and I have already done the work to calculate CS but I have not yet heard how much it will be. This was on friday so I should hear sometime this week what will happen. I realy hate all of this- I love my wife very much but I feel that this needs to be done for me and my kids sake. I have to move into an apartment ASAP in order to have a place for my kids to stay close to school. I have been staying at my sisters since april. My DB coach thinks that we have a good chance but how can we when my wife sees me as a slouch for not speeding up the divorce process?
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
she doesn't see you as a slouch for not speeding up the divorce process and even if she did, that's her opinion.
You are way too approval seeking.
This is the attitude you have to adopt because it seems to me, she is used to having her way with you, you sound like the doormat type of guy, she barks an order and you do it, she treats you poorly, she speaks to you poorly, she is probably verbally abusive, she is commanding/demanding, she looks at you with blank expression on her face or an angry one usually, she is never happy at least not around you.
You have to stop caring what she wants. Caring about what she wants all the time and never caring about what you want is what killed the attraction in this relationship, you became very boring to her, conquered, no challenge, too easy, she gets everything she wants out of you usually and after a while that got boring.
Am I close in my description? If not please please say so.
