Thank you JCM. Some wars end in peace treaties and others just end in a cease fire with the parties staring angrily at each other over the barbed wire, just waiting for an excuse to shoot... In my little analogy here the kids are the civilians trapped between the armies and I still struggle with trying to find a way to allow them to let go of their negativity and find true "peace".
Antlers, thats not always true... my ex 'divorced' our three children happily, walked off into the sunset, telling THEM that he'd "not be seeing them or speaking with them for a very long time". after 3 years antlers, i'd have to say he meant forever. no support financially or otherwise, happily living with OW overseas and he didnt even have the balls to tell us that, we had to find out later on.
dont assume people dont walk away from their kids when they walk away frm their spouse SOME do, and I think its 'learnt' behaviour - he came from 'abandoning' parents. What did i expect.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
There are always exceptions, and he sounds like one of them...but by and large, I think people are willing to forgive their kids when they are not willing to forgive their spouses.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hi all, I am an LBS. WAW had EA progressing to PA with co-worker. She called it off, I wanted to try and fix it.
Am I bitter.... no I am not.
I DBed for 18 months and it kind of worked, WAW wanted to come back and we went on holiday together with our S4.
Problem is, after 18 months GAL and DBing, my own emotional enagement was not there. I didn't regress or forget my 180s; in fact I was more mature, more centred but much much less interested in our M.
I guess that the desire to walk away can cut both ways. I thought I knew what I wanted in saving my M but my over-riding feeling is that the "magic" has gone. It feels like it will be easier to meet someone new for some reason... when I am ready to. I say that because of I have to start again (and that's what it feels like with WAW) I figure I'm better off without baggage other than my own.
Does that make me selfish, is having parents who are together better for S4? There's lots of kids out there with parents who S....
The real truth is, people do leave their marriages. My In Laws say WAW is "sick" and I hung onto that for quite a while. But it's not true; we just had a M that did not work. I wanted it to and I'm pretty sure so did WAW. We were both hurt here and it's sad we couldn't make it work. I am religuous and while my faith says stay together I don't beleive God or anyone wants people to stay in an unhappy marriage.
Turn the M around, sure. DB to prevent the big D but if it can't be fixed then I think people should S.
I was as angry as anything when we S but I worked sooo hard to stay my anger and make sure our S4 was OK and there were no recriminations. WAW will always be his Mother.
Looking back 2 years later and only now at the point where the law alows us to D, I know that not letting my anger and hurt take over was the best thing I did. I can look anyone in the eye and know that I was not a very angry bitter ex. If I was, our S4 will never know that.....
I have unloaded a bit here but what I wanted to get across is that this board and all the feedback from WAWs is really very helpful. You all share experience and comments freely with people you don't even know and you do touch other's lives. Thanks to all of you... with understanding comes peace.
-------- Me; 38 W; 34 1 4yr old S Married 4.5 yrs, together 9 yrs Bomb; 15 June 2007 Holiday together Sept 2008; My Dad dies Nov 2008; reconcliation fails Nov 2008
disclaimer- I have not read through this entire thread
I was once the lbs and now find myself in the position of the so called waw.
I've seen a few posts claiming that the was is the one who gave up and broke the promises made in m. What if you're just seeing it wrong? what if the LBS is the one who broke the promises and the was is the one who recognizes the break and despite trying to repair it eventually finds the lbs just isn't capable or willing to repair it so they decide that what's best for both in the end is to end the m?
Sure there are some was who are acting in pure selfishness but there are plenty who have tried and grown weary. Who eventually came to realize that the m was unhealthy and becoming a detriment to the children being raised in it. It doesn't take hitting or yelling to impact a child negatively. If mom is depressed and dad is a walking zombie but everyone tries to act like all is well for the kids that will eventually have a negative impact on them as well.
If it takes divorce to wake up a zombie then that's what it takes. Trouble is it should not have taken the true threat of divorce to wake you up.
You could be right. And that is acknowledged here and there are plenty of LBSs who realize at this point, when they become officially, the LBS, that it was their actions that started down this road. No one disagrees that COULD be the case....but not always.
what if the LBS is the one who broke the promises and the was is the one who recognizes the break and despite trying to repair it eventually finds the lbs just isn't capable or willing to repair it so they decide that what's best for both in the end is to end the m?
What type of promises would the LBS be breaking to justify D in your mind? I can agree if there was abuse, financial neglect, etc. But what about the WAS that just held in resentment over time, never had a discussion & just sent out "signals" that the LBS didn't get? This seems to be more of the case on this board. And why is it the WAS's job to decide what's best for BOTH partners? And for an entire family in most cases. You know the children typically want their parents together.
I still appreciate hearing the comments of the WAS to help us understand what is going on. I just still do not see the justification in this.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Sorry if I'm doing the wrong thing the wrong way, but...
I would really benefit from women's / WAW's point of view re: my sitch. I'm over at Newcomers (don't know how to link to it).
Thanks
Gardener,
Check out my post "Hello Kittyfish and Sandi2!" You may find some of the feedback useful.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
