Sometimes I wonder whether she's afraid to hear what the MC will tell her. She's told her (W told me about that after our last session) that she has a lot of things to work through and it could be that she doesn't feel ready to do that yet. I know the money issue is real, but it's also an excuse I think. For a lot of things: for working constantly, for not being able to go to MC...
I think you're right, she doesn't want to hear what the MC has to say. I think that was a big part of the reason BF didn't want to go to MC. The money issue is real but being used as an excuse.
The question you need to ask yourself is are you willing to let MC slide? How important is it to you in moving things forward? If she refuses to go for whatever reason is that a dealbreaker for you?
Last edited by pearlharbr; 06/19/0905:06 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I don't think it's a dealbreaker for me. In my mind it is a way to accelerate the process. She will realize at some point, sooner or later, that she needs to do work on herself, just like I did work on me, to make herself happy. I think MC will make her realize this sooner. She realizes that she could use/needs help, said that the MC really helps her deal with things, but is not making any initiatives to go.
Got an email from the MC today saying that she hadn't heard anything and that she hopes we can find room in our schedules to come again since she felt it was helping... I was wondering about forwarding it to her, but I am getting tired of pushing that....
She broke her pinky toe on Sat by walking into a concrete block, kicking it with her foot. She was distracted by someone that started talking from a car (thought it was to her but it was to someone else). We were going to go do something for father's day all together (her idea) but she couldn't barely walk, so she said she would take the twins so that stepS (13 yr old) and I could do something together. We went to see Star Trek in an IMAX theater and it was cool!! I was joking where are the barf bags before it started and I almost needed one!! Got pretty nauseous looking at a screen that big! Later that night we swapped kids and she had the twins make me a painting each and wrap it. The paintings were cute! Then she gave me some power bars she said would be good to eat before running, some ice tea she really liked, some loose tea she wanted me to have and give a try. I went back home with a goody BOX! I really just don't understand why she does that kind of stuff?? Does she feel bad about our sitch? I just don't get it... I guess what I do get is that there's no logic to that at all....
Hey Sam, found you!! Have you identified her LL? Sounds like AOS to me. H used to do things like that if I gave him space once in while. Still does as his way to express his love (???). You may have talked about it early on but I just read the couple of your last posts...
I had been requesting MC for months before he moved out. We went once when the C said she needed him present "to help me". She told us what we had been thru was too much to handle and we could make it thru. He dismissed that session. Fast forward 18 months we start MC for reconciliation purposes. It was a prerequisite. We stop and I dont pursue it because I felt it was harming us. He starts IC without me suggesting it. Hits a low point, says he will continue, 4 sessions later he stops. You cant make them go. The amount of work that becomes evident can be overwhelming. Hopefully some questions will be raised in her head. H was shocked to realise he is replaying his dad's behavior who he adores but is only human and made mistakes.. Now all I need to do to get him thinking is ask "is it you speaking or your dad?" (yeah I know, sleezy)
Yeah, for me as well, it's not a dealbreaker. Doing something is a requirement though. So we're both reading After the Affair and doing the exercises with the understanding that if I don't feel like we're getting enough out of it or I need more then we're heading straight for MC.
I think Kalni is right, if they don't want to go you can't make them. I do hope your W realizes she needs some type of help and takes steps toward getting it.
Don't try to mindread her motivations. You'll end up driving yourself crazy. Just try to appreciate the nice gesture and move on.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Without asking her to take the test, I can't be sure of her LL, but in my mind WOA is her main one and AOS is mine (with QT as a second). I found it really easy to take things easy on vacation becuase I was getting QT with her on a daily basis, so I am on withdrawal now... Her AOS's give me fuel to carry on. I try to give her WOA on her work, her looks when I get a chance. I believe she's actively working to get WOA from me on a regular basis by showing me her work and by asking for my opinion on clothes she's buying. And I don't have to "act as if", because her work is amazing most of the time (pastel and oil paintings and graphics design work) and I help her pick out things to wear that I think look good on her. So I am trying to make deposits in her love bank when we see each other, but try to remain as detached as possible otherwise (hard to do when you're switching kids back and forth all the time tho...)
Originally Posted By: Kalni
We stop and I dont pursue it because I felt it was harming us.
Did you mean pursuing him to go to MC was harming you, or the MC itself? We found a great MC, W really likes her and really opens up to her. She even tells me how she would like to go again after we have been there. The MC is about 1.5hrs drive away and we have to take off of work to go, so it's not doable to go every week from that point of view (much less the cost!). So we said maybe we can go once a month. This last time she said that she wanted to set up the next appt, so I said great! But now that it's time to set up the next appt, she keeps avoiding it, citing money issues, which (as pearl has said) are real but used as an excuse. So she says she wants to go again(unsollicited) during the ride back home, but after we get back she makes no effort to make another appointment that she said she wanted to make and I have to ask about it to find out.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
The amount of work that becomes evident can be overwhelming.
Maybe that is what's keeping her...
Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
Doing something is a requirement though.
EXACTLY!!! And NOTHING is being done. Before our S, she accused me of acting like nothing was wrong, when I was just trying to be more detached and GAL. She has always told me that a S would help her deal with things, but the whole time she's been acting like everything is fine like this. As a matter of fact, the S basically cut off my LL (AOS) almost completely. At least I can still act on her LL.
Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
I do hope your W realizes she needs some type of help and takes steps toward getting it.
She has told me on several occasions that she realizes she needs help, that the MC is really helping her, etc.. But she won't take the steps to GET help..... Keeps mentioning the money issues. She had said she wanted to do something for Father's day together, but then she broke her toe. She also said that she didn't have any money so she wouldn't be able to pay for anything until this Friday. She wanted to make a painting of my (our really, but she lives with me) dog for father's day and she did follow up on that by asking if I had any good pictures of her.
W wanted to take her son (StepS 13) on a weekend trip by herself and so she drove down to the beach last Friday and came back on Monday. They took one of StepS's friends with them. W said that they (boys) got bored going to the beach after 2 days and didn't want to go out in the sun anymore. Plus she said the place they stayed at was a little "shady". I hadn't talked to her the whole time they were gone. Normally she'll call every couple of days at least. This time, we talked Thursday night and I didn't talk to her until Monday night. The whole weekend I was thinking that it would have been nice to know they got there safely, and I could have called StepS's cell, but I decided that I should just let it go. She calls Monday night and said they just got back and she forgot the cord to charge her cell and so after it was dead on sat morning, she had no way of calling. I just told her that it was all fine, that I figured they were busy. She then asked what I did this weekend and I told her (visited my friend that she knows well also, they just had a baby). She then said that she brought back a lot of brochures and maybe we can all go sometime and prepare it a bit better that time. After that, she tells me that she wants to talk about something and get my opinion and maybe we can talk tomorrow night (last night) when she picks up the boys. I say that's fine and then she tells me that she's considering closing her store because it is stressing her out and that she can't keep supporting it financially when it's not making money. How it's taking time away from our 3 boys (WOW! Really?? Have been saying that since day 1!!). That she's constantly in a bad mood because of it not being successfull even though she's killing herself. She said she's talked about it with the guy in town that is overseeing the rental buildings (including hers) and of course he wants to keep businesses in town so he wants her to stay, etc... So she couldn't wait until the next day and asked me that over the phone. I told her that I agree with that and that she can't keep putting the interest of the town ahead of the interest of herself and our kids. In my mind I wanted to ask her why is she asking ME about this?
Then yesterday, she msged me online telling me she had her hair cut short, tired of long hair. Then she wrote that she was pulled over for speeding and got a $171 ticket and how it was bullshit, because the cop was tailgating her and didn't pull her over until she sped up to get away from him (unmarked cop car). Then he told her how her tires were too big and that's why she thought she wasn't speeding when she really was, etc... I caught the msgs as I was leaving so I read them and didn't respond because I was in a hurry to pick up the boys from school. I figured I would talk to her later on the phone during the boys' swim lesson, but then my phone was dead. She called the house just as I was getting home and asked if I had seen her msgs and I said yes, but I had to hurry and phone was dead, so we'll just talk later.
When she gets to the house she asks how her hair looks and I say it looks good. She says that she can tell I don't like it. Now, I have been trying to really be less available and detaching more, so the small talk was just not helping that, which made me sound and look more indifferent I guess. I told her that I like long hair better but that this does look good on her, it's just different from what I have seen on her in a long time.
She then asks about what I think about her store and I basically tell her the same thing again. Then the ticket: I tell her I think it is all BULLSHIT of course! The tires are the standard tires!! The cop was just trying to come up with a reason for writing the ticket. She then tells me she's got her art stuff set up and if I have taken some pics of my (our) dog (she wanted to make me a painting of the dog for Father's Day). I said yes and that I will email them and I did.
Later that night I get a text from her that one of the twins beat her at a board game. (Why do I need to know that?) I little bit later, a text saying that the photos of the dog are awesome. I was watching a movie and responded after an hour.
WOW! That got pretty long! Anyways, I shouldn't read into it, but the general feeling is that she does have a "need" for me. I'm just leaving it at that...
(yeah I know, sleezy)
Her AOS's give me fuel to carry on. I try to give her WOA on her work, her looks when I get a chance. I believe she's actively working to get WOA from me on a regular basis by showing me her work and by asking for my opinion on clothes she's buying. And I don't have to "act as if", because her work is amazing most of the time (pastel and oil paintings and graphics design work) and I help her pick out things to wear that I think look good on her. So I am trying to make deposits in her love bank when we see each other, but try to remain as detached as possible otherwise (hard to do when you're switching kids back and forth all the time tho...)