Whatever you do, do not get in your son's way. Let him do what he will do. A son like that is not always a liability.
Let's get real here. He could potentially harm himself or someone else and he is adding to the stress of his siblings exponentially IF it continues for too long. He needs to get help (which obviously he has if he's been diagnosed)...just more help.
Whatever you do, do not get in your son's way. Let him do what he will do. A son like that is not always a liability.
Let's get real here. He could potentially harm himself or someone else and he is adding to the stress of his siblings exponentially IF it continues for too long. He needs to get help (which obviously he has if he's been diagnosed)...just more help.
i disagree to an extent and agree with Sara. His W needs to see first hand what she is causing by her actions. she needs to experience it and maybe she will understand her actions affect others besides just herself. i say turn him loose (and all the kids for that matter), maybe something will sink in for her at some point. that's the exact reason i said to let them know they should not hide how they really feel from the W.
i think stopping the son from expressing his feelings will only enable the W even more in this sitch.
Yes, my son acts out big time, but wasn't diagnosed. So he is not as bad. And my son loved to break phones and walls and doors, but he didn't hurt people, ever. My son, I know, acted like that to control the people around him. And he was very successful at it. I cannot tell, in your son's case, how out of control he really is.
The irony is that I see your point; his tortured pain was the first time that I could actually see W starting to realize what she is doing/has done... But, he's so over-the-top that it's self-defeating... He IS scaring brother and sister, but he is relentless. It is a double-edged sword. I don't give a cr*p about how sh*tty he makes her feel, but I have to protect the other two from his wrath... despite the fact that he scares them, they idolize him. I've told them that despite how his anger toward her (and them) scares them, that it is how he is dealing with the divorce. It was a breakthrough of sorts today when he said he no longer wanted to hurt them (which I don't think he would ever really do) because his rage (his word) is only toward her and while yesterday he said all he felt was anger, today he said that there was frustration and sadness, too... That may not sound big from the outside looking in, but it's a relief when living it. Because they idolize him and because S9 "sees" what S14 sees (when it isn't masked in rage), together they may be able to help D out of her shell and not let up on W... And, to be clear, I don't see this as part of some grand Dbing scheme, but an imperative for their long-term psychological well-being is to not repress their emotions and feelings. Okay, it's late... I know what I'm trying to say, but I just can't express it...
It's been a long long weekend...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
AlexEN, Your tone says so much about how you're there for your children - and I admire the calm with which you managed to convey an experience that sounds nothing short of gut-wrenching. I can't imagine how it must be to hear your son go through such pain, though he is so very fortunate to have you there as his father...sometimes, on this site, I read the words of people in your situation - in which they begin insulting their spouses - or inviting the insults offered by other posters - and I'm glad that is not the case with you and your situation. As angry and hurt as you must feel at times - and I think you've expressed more hurt than anger - you've certainly managed to find ways to learn about yourself through your sitch - and that self-awareness will be vital for your children.
I'm so glad that GoingToFixMe wrote what she did above - and I agree with her completely - that you validate and listen to your children, you don't tear down their mother, and you be strong for them...and, I might add, since it's not always encouraged...I believe that showing our children our sadness and our tears is also a sign of strength - as it gives us a way to model for a healthy way to feel and grow through even the worst moments in our lives.
The turmoil of your day breaks my heart - though I find a lot of hope in the personal strength, honor and virtue you've shown through all of this - which I know can be especially difficult when dealing with someone that seems so destructive in their narcissism...
One last thing I would add...though I don't know how it is with bi-polar children - they do seem to feel better when they have the comfort, safety and love of a parents that allows them to experience all the bursts of emotions that flood through them...I just had a day like that with my S12...who just broke down crying with me one day...and didn't know why - until after he cried and then he could tell me that it just sometimes makes him so sad that the woman I married....his step-mom of four years - just couldn't find a way to work on herself...and instead had to break up our family...though he then added that he felt like things are much better without her - since the calm in our home is like nothing we had experienced with her over the last few years...
Funny, your kids remind me of mine. I have S25, D24, and S20, but the hard times were when the oldest was 16-22. That's when I never knew what would happen at home. I still don't sleep nights. We got to the point where either my husband or I was awake any hour of the day. We never knew when we'd get a phone call from the oldest that he was stranded, arrested, or injured. And I never understood the bond between the oldest and the youngest, but as wild as the oldest's behavior was, the youngest could understand it and he tried to explain it to me. My daughter, however, spent her high school years locked in her room, and NEVER brought a friend over. She escaped to college, and rarely comes home.
Both sons became good at doing drywall. I always wished that my son would hit a stud and break his hand, but he never did. One of my dialogue pieces at Retrouvaille was about how our house reflected the strife in our marriage --the smashed door and the hole in wall that our son did the day his father was caught having an affair. How we needed to heal the marriage and patch up the house at the same time.
It is hard to be the mother of a son like that. But I never question if my son loves me. He loves. He feels passionately. It has its good and its bad sides.
Alex that's such a tough day. I don't even know what to say. I feel for you.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Alex, I am sorry. My son's -mostly-, reaction was the only reason I told myself I would kill H one day. This feeling of seeing your kids like that and trying to be "good" to their mother and validating and at the same time hurting inside yourself is a painful-painful experience.
If you feel your wife is not letting the kids express themselves, tell her. Take her aside,in privacy and tell her she is responsible for how the kids will deal with this and you that you wont take her bailing out, looking after her own a$$ while the kids are falling apart. What is going on between you is another story adn SHE is NOT the focus. And Alex, be honest with your kids and show your feelings also. My experience was that that made them feel they could express their feelings as well. At least to me.
