"Actually wife, we did communicate about this. It was my impression that you wanted the kids the whole weekend because your parents were coming to town. I was good with that. I did the right thing for you, the kids, and your mother. Since you had the kids, I made other plans for Sunday...I gave up time with them because I thought you wanted it. In the future, let's make sure to clarify exactly what days we're talking about when we change the schedule. I've nothing to hide. If you want to know what I'm thinking...just ask. I'll be glad to fill you in."
What do ya'll think?
ps - Why does she say 'where are you' or say 'you obviously have something to hide'? She got mad at me a short while back because she thought I had 'gone out' when I offered to let her have the kids before we left to go on vacation! If she doesn't care, as she says, then what's with this attitude?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
"Actually wife, we did communicate about this. It was my impression that you wanted the kids the whole weekend because your parents were coming to town. I was good with that. I did the right thing for you, the kids, and your mother. Since you had the kids, I made other plans for Sunday...I gave up time with them because I thought you wanted it. In the future, let's make sure to clarify exactly what days we're talking about when we change the schedule. I've nothing to hide. If you want to know what I'm thinking...just ask. I'll be glad to fill you in."
What do ya'll think?
ps - Why does she say 'where are you' or say 'you obviously have something to hide'? She got mad at me a short while back because she thought I had 'gone out' when I offered to let her have the kids before we left to go on vacation! If she doesn't care, as she says, then what's with this attitude?
I think you should run your text by us before sending it. I understand the point about a** kissing but I think you do have some culpability in making sure plans are clear. But, I like it. The only thing that really irks me is the whole "I did the right thing...". I mean that just has nothing to do with it. You were honoring her request and she's still giving you sh*t, I get that but it isn't some huge moral right/wrong thing. YKWIM?
As for your last paragraph, welcome to my world. Control, manipulation, insecurity...don't know. I will say, I see the connection between our sitches in that the WAS feels so wronged (whether valid or not) that they feel entitled to maintain some authority or Spousiness with you. In sync with what Sandi was getting to and I'm certain Robx would concur, eventually, you've got to stand on equal ground and be your own man (or woman in my case). I have felt from when I first read your threads that your guilt would be your achilles heel (as is mine). At some point, you are entitled to, if not be forgiven, at least be respected as a sovereign individual. You seem to be getting there.
Ok does this make sense? DB doesn't seem dishonest at all to me but a friend of mine told me once that the way I was dealing with my W seemed kind of counter-intuitive. I told him he didn't need to understand because I felt better about myself the way I was being about my sitch. He then showed support. So would you say dbing is counter intuitive in a way? I would say so until you decide something isn't working and you need to try something else. Hope I don't sound over-analytical about DB'ing but if I am that is better than over-analyzing my W's behavior.
A lot of this is semantics. If I am being dishonest by not telling my H what an idiotic pr*ck I think he is being than so be it.
I would say that DBing requires mindfulness and sometimes it can FEEL dishonest because we are compelling ourselves to think and strategize rather than just react.
Quote:
I told him he didn't need to understand because I felt better about myself the way I was being about my sitch.
I like that. And, the truth is that when we are mindful and aware of the DB info, we are better able to make determinations as to what actions to take when. Eventually it feels so intuitive but in a healthier way than before all of this thought was put in. A conversation handled just right, a decision made on the spot etc.
Today, for some reason it felt right to relax, to be around H and the kids on his borrowed turf (where he is staying with people I barely know) and not judge and be personable and even though I don't want to be too available and I am really pissed these days about what this is costing me and my kids, I know that it was right. AND, he was attracted and called tonight commenting about how nice the people there thought I was and made a little small talk and then I wrapped it up and got off the phone.
My point is that withholding information and emotions is what I think we do rather than fabricate or lie (I hope)...we are attempting to be the stoic ones, the reasonable ones, the ones who are holding our families' best interests foremost, not our overwhelming insecurities and sadness...I feel kind of proud just writing about it.
well reacting and resentfulness go hand in hand.. and I'd say that is why a good portion of us find ourselves here..
if we were thinking and coming up with strategies in our MR's and dealing with our spouses in that manner beforehand we'd all probably still be happily married I suppose..
I'm on business and sitting around in some strange city in some strange hotel room (business trip) listening to a new album on my laptop that I am really enjoying.. it DOES feel good to just relax.. the W is far away right now and that is actually doing wonders for me loosening my grip on the rope...
hope I make sense I am starting to get really tired *lol*
...we are attempting to be the stoic ones, the reasonable ones, the ones who are holding our families' best interests foremost, not our overwhelming insecurities and sadness...I feel kind of proud just writing about it.
Very good, aak.
And we should feel proud.
Very good. Thank you. I needed that.
Gonna take that thought to bed with me, now (hey, it beats going to bed totally alone again)
G'night, aak.G'night, DBWorld.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
"Actually wife, we did communicate about this. It was my impression that you wanted the kids the whole weekend because your parents were coming to town. I was good with that. I did the right thing for you, the kids, and your mother. Since you had the kids, I made other plans for Sunday...I gave up time with them because I thought you wanted it. In the future, let's make sure to clarify exactly what days we're talking about when we change the schedule. I've nothing to hide. If you want to know what I'm thinking...just ask. I'll be glad to fill you in."
What do ya'll think?
ps - Why does she say 'where are you' or say 'you obviously have something to hide'? She got mad at me a short while back because she thought I had 'gone out' when I offered to let her have the kids before we left to go on vacation! If she doesn't care, as she says, then what's with this attitude?
I think you should run your text by us before sending it. I understand the point about a** kissing but I think you do have some culpability in making sure plans are clear. But, I like it. The only thing that really irks me is the whole "I did the right thing...". I mean that just has nothing to do with it. You were honoring her request and she's still giving you sh*t, I get that but it isn't some huge moral right/wrong thing. YKWIM?
As for your last paragraph, welcome to my world. Control, manipulation, insecurity...don't know. I will say, I see the connection between our sitches in that the WAS feels so wronged (whether valid or not) that they feel entitled to maintain some authority or Spousiness with you. In sync with what Sandi was getting to and I'm certain Robx would concur, eventually, you've got to stand on equal ground and be your own man (or woman in my case). I have felt from when I first read your threads that your guilt would be your achilles heel (as is mine). At some point, you are entitled to, if not be forgiven, at least be respected as a sovereign individual. You seem to be getting there.
Good mornin' AAK.
I like to run my texts by you folks before sending it...it has helped out a lot in the past. I agree that I have a responsibility in making sure plans are clear. Glod you liked it...I thought it was OK too! I was using Coach's advice of calling her on it when she attempts to read my mind! It has nothing to do with morals.
I feel like I'm getting there too! In the meantime, my oldest daughter and I were texting and she asked what was up...and I told her I was hiking and climbing in the Wichita's. I'm sure she communicated this to her mother. So, wife knew that I wasn't doing anything that I shouldn't be doing! I get a text from wife later on that said...
'I don't care what you do or with who, but when you're going out of town the kids have the right to know.'
If she doesn't care, then why'd she get so mad when she thought I went out a while back, and why'd she accuse me of having something to hide?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Ok does this make sense? DB doesn't seem dishonest at all to me but a friend of mine told me once that the way I was dealing with my W seemed kind of counter-intuitive. I told him he didn't need to understand because I felt better about myself the way I was being about my sitch. He then showed support. So would you say dbing is counter intuitive in a way? I would say so until you decide something isn't working and you need to try something else. Hope I don't sound over-analytical about DB'ing but if I am that is better than over-analyzing my W's behavior.
Drew
I don't think DB'n is counter-intuitive at all...but it advises us to do things that 'feel' counter-intuitive to us at the time!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I would say that DBing requires mindfulness and sometimes it can FEEL dishonest because we are compelling ourselves to think and strategize rather than just react.
I like that. And, the truth is that when we are mindful and aware of the DB info, we are better able to make determinations as to what actions to take when. Eventually it feels so intuitive but in a healthier way than before all of this thought was put in. A conversation handled just right, a decision made on the spot etc.
My point is that withholding information and emotions is what I think we do rather than fabricate or lie (I hope)...we are attempting to be the stoic ones, the reasonable ones, the ones who are holding our families' best interests foremost, not our overwhelming insecurities and sadness...I feel kind of proud just writing about it.
Agreed! We are 'acting' instead of 'reacting'! And we are using logic and reason, and the teachings and principles of DB'n, to do it!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
