Thx to you both. I'm doing okay actually. I'm sure the actual service and burial will be hard, but for now I'm just trying to remember the good times. My uncle's kids posted on FB right away about the death, and said they shared as many laughs as tears yesterday, so that's good.
Went to a t-ball game tonight with lil' 4 yr olds. They are just so darn cute! Hard to be down when you watch that kind of joy and laughter! It's good for the soul!
thx. the funeral was very nice. Standing room only and there were many tears, but laughs as well. Big theme seemed to be about sinfulness... and how we can all be forgiven. He definitely hurt many, but he was remorseful and I'm glad I knew him. I admire my aunt SO much. I used to not understand how she'd stay with my uncle... I told my parents that now I just am amazed at her strenth. She didn't give up on her H and I don't plan to do that either. I'm going to try NC until Labor Day and see if that change makes any difference in my sitch.
My D mentioned at dinner tonight that she misses H but wonders how weird it would be if he just came back. We had a good honest discussion about how we'd approach it.
I asked if she contacted H on Father's Day. She didn't but said S17 did. He wished H a happy F Day and H replied 'thanks'. H may think it's easy to disconnect from his stepkids and me... or maybe he doesn't but he doesn't talk about it. But it's hard on all of us and I cried in the hot tub tonight... lots of regrets, things I should have been better at, what ifs and if onlys...
Water under the bridge. Now is the time to just take care of myself and the kids. And stand strong... and faithful... and apply the Love is Patient, Love is Kind, Love Bears all Things, Hopes all things... etc. It feel right.
I think the emotions of the funeral(s) and realizing the kids are feeling the impact of H's absence more than they've let on threw me off of my PMA for a bit. But feeling better this am.
I'm looking forward to the NC with H goal until Labor Day. I think it'll be good for me and force me to become more independent and mysterious. I need to keep challenging myself to do the work, become stronger and leave the M issues in God's hands.
Goals for this wknd:
physical - yard work and short run this am emotional - spend quality time with my D spiritual - read, pray - keep the faith
Considering this emotionally packed weekend, you are handling it like a pro. We are bound to be affected by these major or even at times minor events that happen around us. Sounds like you are back on track. I like your idea of P/E/S goals....I think I may take that idea for myself!
Your goal with H sounds great! I am having trouble figuring out my goal with my H. But, I will get into that on my blog. I was glad to hear that your D opened up about what she is going thru. Its a very good step forward.
Hope your yard work goes well today and a short run sounds lovely!
But it's hard on all of us and I cried in the hot tub tonight... lots of regrets, things I should have been better at, what ifs and if onlys...
Water under the bridge. Now is the time to just take care of myself and the kids. And stand strong... and faithful... and apply the Love is Patient, Love is Kind, Love Bears all Things, Hopes all things... etc. It feels right.
Good mornin' mnt_dreams.
This is hard stuff. Your husband knows about your regrets, 'should haves', and 'if onlys'. And you are sincere about them also. You are makin' the changes that you need to make. Keep it up. This is what's best for you. Keep on takin' care of yourself and the kiddos.
Sounds like you're in a good place this morning! Good. Be truly compassionate to yourself and others'. Don't cry in front of your kids. Let them see your dignity, and your strength through this adversity. Stay active too! You've got a lot of support here. Hope you have a good 4th.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I appreciate the affirmation. It's a fine line between accepting our role in the events leading up to the S and taking on too much responsibility and guilt for that role.
I don't cry infront of the kids. They were gone for the night so it was safe. Actually I haven't been in the tub much since H left b/c we used to go out most nights and talk about the day and reconnect. Did much less of that this past winter. Oh well!
When my D16 and I talked last night, I gave her a brief DB explanation. We take care of ourselves, give H the time and space he needs to work on things, and try to love him unconditionally despite his actions. She's still pretty angry with him for leaving and feels the more time that goes on the less likely he'll ever sit down to talk. She may be right, but we have to keep the faith.
I like what you said about demonstrating my dignity and strength thru adversity. We are modeling for our children how to handle tough times. Just as our S's are watching our moves and changes, our children are as well. Good thoughts as we begin this holiday weekend.
Happy 4th to you and all! Maybe this Independence Day can symbolize taking back some independence and control in our own situations. And the revolution begins inside each one of us! Haha!
You have a really good and healthy attitude right now. I hope you can keep it up. You are making a lot of sense. You, and all here, deserve a lot of credit for working as hard as we do...through the pain...to try to save our marriages. Many people would just call it quits because it would be easier. We are a dedicated bunch...dedicated to our marriages and our spouses. We are also dedicated to becoming better people, better parents, and better partners. We are dedicated to learning and getting stronger too!
You are doing a good job, especially under the circumstances. You are gonna be OK...we all are. It's just gonna take some time and work!
Have a good day!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Had a nice weekend and stayed busy. Spent some time with my D16 shopping and a light dinner. Saw a movie and went to a bbq last night. S17 comes home tmrw.
I had H's mail delivered today to work which was a 180. Normally I'd drop it off and make some small talk. I plan to continue the NC unless there's a financial issue until Sept 1. I want to give it two good months and then re-evaluate. I went to church today and it was a great service. One of the themes was about the Psalms. Over 60 are laments... cries for help/etc. and the message was it's okay to feel overwhelmed, depressed, etc. and to share those frustrations with God honestly. But knowing God is with us gives us the strength and hope we need to carry on. That's what I got out of it anyway... gaining strength to carry on!
I accomplished most of my ST goals... worked in the yard including sprinkler repairs all by myself, spent time with D and it was good to have a weekend by ourselves. I haven't done much reading though, so I think I will close out the weekend with some positive thoughts.
Next week - tennis, time with S17 on our road trip to TX, and trying a new dance/exercise class called Zumba. That's it for now.
Not much going on. Saw the C today. Didn't think there was much to talk about, but we filled the hour with discussion over events leading up to the bomb, whether to wear or not wear my wedding ring and how the kids are doing. I had been looking thru some photos and was saddened to think about all the trips and good times we had - and then, poof! he disappears from our lives.
Now it's all biz. Staying with the NC til Sept goal. Just sent a text about an overdue bill, but hopefully we're not starting that cycle again.
Taking care of myself. OK, except the potato chips I just munched, but hey, they are all-natural!
Reflecting on a note 'antlers' added today.. sometimes doing nothing is doing something. That's how I feel right now. Nothing going on, but maybe something brewing... we just don't know. Will continue focusing my attention on myself and my kiddos. Period.
