Orchid

[mnt_dreams]

Thinking of you today, Orchid. Take good care of yourself this weekend...

Hugs!

[hopeful_cb]

Sorry you are having such a hard time. I understand about wanting the craziness to be over. Patience is a hard thing at times like these. Sometimes you just have to cry and let it out before you can get on with the rest of the day. The good thing is that you are getting on with your days and weeks, you are doing the new job and you are living your life. You will make it thru, remember to look after yourself and I hope the week ahead will be better for you.

[judyc]

Hi Orchid,

Just writing to say I'm thinking about you. Signing the D papers is probably the most difficult and painful thing you'll ever have to do. Keep your strength.

[orchid01]

Well......I went into work this morning at 7:30am and left at 8pm. I just got lost in my work and only thought about the D and H 7-8 times. Not bad for today. I am feeling somewhat better today...definately exhausted. I know I probably should have really tried to make some sense out of my feelings and what is happening and maybe I should have just spent today trying to figure out my reaction or something...........

But, I just can't and frankly, I am tired. I am tired of so much introspection. I just want some time away. H text msg me today that he wants to talk tomorrow evening. WHATEVER. He will tell me he cares for me....he will say he is happy....he will give me pointers on how to do my job better....and he will tell me to make sure I don't forget to study for my exam.

There is nothing to figure out..........its all just crap....and its a cop out. He can't deal with his life and so he thinks he will just check out of it for awhile....SIGH.

I feel more anger every day. No more warm fuzzies....

I will keep in mind Judyc what you said about signing D papers being the most difficult day. I just don't know how much more I can take. Really, I am brand spanking new in my career, my town, my apartment, and my family life, not to mention myself.

I hope to God I am strong enough to do this. I feel so.....on unsure footing.

I know that I can do it actually. There are times when I just want to be an turtle and just hide in my shell. I think I may be doing that already a little. But, I figure its one day at a time and I am just going to have to trudge along. I almost have too much on my plate all of a sudden. But that is life..its not like life throws you a curve ball after making an announcement and after it knows you can hit it out the ballpark!

I just wanted to say thank you........I feel so blessed today to have all of you thinking of me. I feel very lucky to have found you all and thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I will try to do better. I am working on it.......just feel a little bit defeated....but, hey its not as bad as yesterday. I have to be in at work at 7 and so I am headed off to bed. Hoping to get home tomorrow at a decent time. I already have so much pending things at home. Anyways, I will check in tomorrow. Have a great day all!

[orchid01]

Journalling....

I am so confused. My H called today. I called him back after a couple of hours. We had set today as a time to discuss our R. I had a hard day at work and was tired but didn't want to back away from a set time we had agreed on.

Anyways, he said to me that he wants to "start fresh" and see if we can make it work. He knows this is hurting me and he regrets that, but is sure this is the best thing for him. He wants to figure out and make decisions based on what he WANTS to do.......not what he is SUPPOSED to do.

WHAT? I suggested that we just stop contact for a few months. He said he had no intention of doing that. I said well, we are divorced.......how does this work...are we dating? are we single? are we separated? or just legally divorced?

He said I'm making it too complicated. He just wants to start fresh and start at a 0 baseline...but, he is not sure if we can, bc we have a 10 year history that he says he is not sure we can change/forget. He would not give any sort of label.

He said he didn't call me this weekend bc he was feeling really lonely and he didn't want to talk to me when he was so vulnerable. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????? SOMEONE DECODE???????

WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT???? I am trying to listen and validate, but geez....Did I miss something or did I just sign divorce papers????

so, I guess we are both working on ourselves and in the meantime trying to reconnect? He said basically that for him this was the only way to save "us". At one point he said we would probably know by September....I asked if he had any ideas right now. He said 'No, he did not". He wants to meet up in September or he will come down for a visit again. I just don't know.....what??????

I said I will just consider us divorced until we decide otherwise. He said "well, ok, if that is what makes it easier for you. But, I'm telling you this is the only way for us to save "us"....for us to have a chance."

SIGH. I just finally gave up. OK. To me, I am hearing, H wants XYZ and when he can get back to ABC, and hopefully we will, but who knows cuz he can't tell me how he will feel....then we can do what he wants .... get married or stay D "for real".

UM...........I just don't know. CONFUSED. Today, I asked him why he wants to keep contact and he says, "well, I have no ill feelings towards you, in fact just the opposite" (WHATEVER THAT MEANS). I couldn't say "Lets just not talk." I don't know if I can deal with that myself. It was so difficult that first month when we had nothing to say.

I also told him that I wanted him to stop lecturing me about my career. I know he has more experience than I do...he is 5 years ahead of me, but it just needs to stop. Its annoying for me and after he is done lecturing, he doesn't like it either. I told him that my career talk needs to be monitored and cannot be more than 10 min in one conversation. He apologized and agreed. He said its a habit and its something he is working on.

I think we have nothing else to talk about. How do I deal with this new realization???????? I don't want to talk about "us"...and I don't want to talk about "work" and we can't really talk much about "family & friends"..........so, what things should I talk about?

I can't believe that I don't know what to talk about with him and I think he is having the same issue!!!!!!! SUCH A BAD SIGN!!

Some things I did wrong and need to work on is I talked too much. I really have to remember to speak/write/text/whatever half of what he does. I was too tired to be ON and my game suffered today.

Well, I hope someone can give me some insight and also help me figure out what alternate topics to talk about. ??????

[MsMelancoly]

Hi orchid1, Sorry to hear your convo went around in circles. I was wondering if any of the men here were going to decode for you, it really does help. Aaahh, where's Kenn when you need him??

My xh said the same type of thing when he left, "it would be like we are dating again". In my case it was an easy let down & keeping the door open. (Yet, in my case my H tended to avoid me). Heard the line as well, fresh start, back to 0. That screams to me I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT NOR HOW I FEEL & DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. Your H is unhappy, but what he doesn't realize is that HE has to find is own happiness. For him maybe that means starting out on a clean slate. I don't understand that either, because how can you grow into a better, more understanding person then?

Hang in there. Have you even seen That 70s Show? Have a be cool, whatever attitude. Try not to let it get you down & focus on you!! You are doing great!!!

[orchid01]

Thanks MsMelancoly,

I re-read my last few posts and realized that my thoughts are revolving too much around him. This is the hardest part for me and I have bits of time when I have been totally focused on me, but this is something I still need to conquer.

I printed out a month calender for July. My mission this month is to NOT initiate any communication.

He can call when he wants....he wants to meet up in September, so...who knows what that is about or if it will happen...but, he initiated that meet.

It is difficult to really focus on myself. When i come home its depressing that its an empty house. I leave at 630 am and dont come back till 7 pm or so. I am exhausted, usually spend another hour doing work, and still find myself thinking about him. I need to put the focus back on myself. I think maybe I just need to get back to the basics.

For one if I am bored with our conversations........as I am many times, i am just going to say that to him....I think we both need to get some interests in life that are new...and talk about our quirky observations in life.....I don't know...still working on this one.

Otherwise....goals for this month.

1. no initiation of contact
2. keep to the "give half of what he does -whether its emails/conversations/texts etc....

3. FOCUS ON MY OWN IMPROVEMENT....even if that means focusing on this new job! I need to do that anyways....

4. I need to eat well and look good...this past 2 weeks I think I have put on 5 lbs...I need to get back to taking care of myself inside and out.

I am going to have to care for myself. I have always been a care taker and its so hard to turn that around and care for myself. But dammit, I am going to try and try again. That's all I can do.

I feel like Im in a good place today. I feel more focused today and that is one step forward.

[MsMelancoly]

You do sound pretty positive today - nice to hear!! It's good to have goals & you have them focused on yourself, well done! Do you have any hobbies that have been on the back burner? I find that too lack of convo with my xh sometimes. I think at times, having your guard/walls up has something to do with it. Ya just don't feel you can talk freely about anything & everything like you used to. Don't let it bother you too much.

Do you think in a way you have become your H's hobby? With him helping (or lecturing) you or guiding you with your career?

Maybe check out some volunteer opportunities. Do you like animals? Volunteer at a shelter? Personally, I feel fortunate that I've had my furkids, they are & were such a comfort to me. Kept my sanity or maybe insanity in check!

[orchid01]

MsMelancoly,

I feel good today and it was so nice to get your email tonight. I think it helped to just make the situation simpler in a way and condense it down to 4 goals. I was so busy today that I didn't even think about H at all! I got home at 10pm and have to be back to work by 6am tomorrow morning. I think I am exhausted. Is this really only Wednesday?????

Anyways, usually when I am leaving work, i get this urge to call or text H. It was great today, cuz I did not want to....I had to cross of ONE day off my calender!!! And then it was crazy cuz I saw that he had texted me at 6:30pm! I didn't know what to say and so I just didn't respond. He said he paid off the credit cards and hoped I was doing ok at work and that he was really proud of me! (ROLLING MY EYES)...

I was thinking about what you said about me becoming his hobby. Actually he has alot of different hobbies. My problem with H is that HIS interactions with me have been dwindled down to being oriented to my career. He has been relating to me in this way for almost 1.5 years....its a habit. And he is having a hard time breaking that habit. He said that himself.

Between me and H, I am the one with no real hobbies...I am more or less married to my work and to my family. Is there seriously time for more? I love to hike. I love to travel. I love to find great restaurants.......expensive or a hot dog stand! I love to cook! I love to do yoga! I think I need to explore my loves....on my next day off, that is what I am going to do! I have a plan!!! YEAH!

hope you are doing well. I am hoping I can continue this PMA tomorrow.

[Gardener]

I love to hike. I love to travel. I love to find great restaurants.......expensive or a hot dog stand! I love to cook! I love to do yoga! I think I need to explore my loves....on my next day off, that is what I am going to do! I have a plan!!! YEAH!

Can I vote? Go with hiking (my favorite) and hey, it's the first one you mentioned!

Go for a nice, long Talk in the woods. The woods are full of answers.

If'n ya live near woods, that is.