I feel for you! It's very difficult in this stage. Could you act dependent and open to him when you're together, but be independent when you're not?
I remember a post from Sandi early on in my sitch that basically was about what to do when the WAS starts coming back. You do have to remain detached, maybe even a bit more as the WAS comes your way. Picture it like this: It's the detachment, the distance between the LBS and WAS that "reels" the WAS back in. For the WAS to keep coming your way, you have to keep some level of detachment going, until the WAS is where you would like them to be.
It's a difficult line to walk. Every once in a while, my W comes my way a little bit and every part of me wants to jump right on it, but I know I shouldn't. I make sure we have a great time, but then I go back to trying to be as detached as possible. I call it a "hit and run" approach, "hit" them with something they are going to miss during the "run" period. In my mind it shows them what good times can be had with you if they choose to come back. Let them think during their time alone what they are missing out on.
I am rambling on, but I guess what I am trying to say is try to maintain some level of detachment. For your own sanity as well as to help BF realize he's not out of the woods yet.
Still trying to figure out how to keep some emotional detachment.
Things seem to be going well. I don't doubt that BF wants to be here with me. I do have moments when I wonder if this is what's best for me in the long run. I wonder if I'm missing out on a better life with someone better suited to me, especially now that I see FG on a regular basis. I know that he's not really interested in me, he was only interested in getting me into bed. (LOL, does that make me sound conceited!) I'm hung up on it because we just clicked and it makes me wonder if there is someone else out there I would just click with better than BF, someone with whom I would have a clean slate and someone who wouldn't put me through hell.
Ah well, I'm sure it will pass. This is the path I have chosen and I'm committed to it. Need to work on letting go of the need for external validation and instead find my happiness within myself.
I did manage to assert my independence and show that I want to spend time with BF. His volleyball game on Thur was cancelled due to weather so he wanted to come over to the house and do something with me. I said I was sorry he suddenly had no plans but I did and wasn't going to break them. I told him I was going to go to happy hour with my girlfriend and then BF and I could go to a movie afterwards if it wasn't too late. So he came over and hung out with the cats while I was out with her. I didn't cut happy hour short just because he was waiting for me. BF was fine with that, he was happy that I agreed to make any plans with him. Movie was hilarious (The Hangover) and it was good because it was my choice that he gave in to and he ended up loving it. He commented that he was glad that sometimes I make him do things he says he doesn't want to do because I know he will have a good time because he does have a good time.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 06/28/0905:23 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
What you just described is what I think a normal healthy relationship should be.... it's those realtionships where you drop everything for the other person that start to morph into something else.
we all have to be us and remember ourselves as much as the person we are with.
And to answer your question about someone else not putting you through hell: there's no guarantee with anybody else, but I can tell you BF won't do it again, because he KNOWS you'll be gone then!
Sam, I was just thinking that this morning. I'm pretty sure BF won't do it again because he knows the consequences, but there's always going to be that kernel of doubt because if he did it once he can do it again.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I understand. In your mind, he will remind you of that time in your life. Just like songs remind you of something that happened earlier while that song was playing...
Thanks for checking in on me Sam. Sounds like you've been pretty busy yourself!
Last week we had our first non-A-related fight. I was tired and hungry which means cranky. There were some misunderstandings at kickball so by the time we got home I was pissed. We had it out a bit then he left in a huff and pouted in the other room. After getting some things done I went downstairs to talk it out. Told him I didn't want us arguing on our last night together for a week. Ended up deciding to just let things go and go to bed.
Cuddling in bed and BF indicates he wants to ML. That's great honey but I'm just not up for anything long and involved since I'm tired/hungry/cranky. So he just says no, it's fine. So frustrating! I didn't say I didn't want to, just keep it simple. So then he wants me to tell him what I want. I WANT YOU TO STOP TALKING AND JUST DO IT! Don't worry, did not say those exact words in that tone but did convey that general idea. All's well.
While I was out of town for a long weekend visiting a girlfriend he moved back into the house. He brought most of his stuff back, still a few things left in the apartment. When I got back yesterday he left for a business trip so we won't both be in the house until Thursday night. I'm finding it a tad bit difficult readjusting to him living here but I'm sure he's going through the same thing. I forgot how annoying his whiskers in the bathroom sink and dirty socks on the family room floor can be. And I still need to finish my closet remodel so he can have his closet back. So little things to overcome but I think it's going well so far.
We're going to Vegas this weekend for a little getaway. I hope it will be relaxing and fun. I've made dinner reservations for one night but that's the extent of my planning.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 07/14/0911:44 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Cuddling in bed and BF indicates he wants to ML. That's great honey but I'm just not up for anything long and involved since I'm tired/hungry/cranky. So he just says no, it's fine. So frustrating! I didn't say I didn't want to, just keep it simple. So then he wants me to tell him what I want. I WANT YOU TO STOP TALKING AND JUST DO IT! Don't worry, did not say those exact words in that tone but did convey that general idea. All's well.
I know those situations, I've been in them lots of times and I can tell you as guy, it's arousing to know a woman wants to ML to you. Finding out that a woman does not, is a pretty good turn-off. My W has said while in MC: "Why can't we just have sex? Even if I'm not in the mood, we can just have sex.." And while that's true, it's when that happens too often (like in my case) that the intimate connection between partners starts deteriorating. When my W and I stopped ML, it was because she said her feelings weren't into it, so in my mind apparently we cannot "just have sex".
I guess I am ranting on my own sitch here, and I am not saying this is happening too often in your sitch, but I am just trying to say that I understand his reaction. I would much prefer a: "Sorry, but I am completely exhausted right now so let's go to bed early tomorrow night and take our time." And then actually foolow up on it the next night. It's perfectly ok to just be honest and say you're not in the mood (as long as it's not like that every day of course! ) instead of conveying "do it quick so we can get this over with".
Just wanted to convey this guy's perspective on this, since I have been on the other side of that convo.
So... he moved back in! Learning to live together again...
) instead of conveying "do it quick so we can get this over with".