Sandi2, Coach, Puppy and Gucci help!

[dburt]

She may pull away when she goes into her own house to test the waters and she gets the 3rd degree from you. Yeah, she is messed up but please realize that you are 50% of the R and where it is right now.

Be cordial to her, do not put any pressure on her, act as if everything in your world is great and that if she wants to stop in and see your world let it have a happy vibe to it.

Burt

[Bravehardt]

Coach


Where is your wife living now? With who?

She is living in town with a female coworker and her daughter from the little I know. She has told me time and again that there is no one else involved. I have asked her if it was a man or a woman. She swears that she is not under the influence of a man, woman or friend.

Do you have a lawyer?

No. I talked to one back in April but I was still messed up. He ended up telling me to set up a MC session and let wife in on date and time. That never happened.

How are bills split now? It's not as cut and dry 50/50 like your wife thinks.

I have paid all the bill for 17 years. She has been working part time for two years. She handled all household chores and bill payment. I do know that prior to March she did contribute some of her money to help out, but pull all her earnings off the table.

Why are you leaving the house on alternate weekends and letting your wife tell you to leave?

I thought I would allow her to come back to the house and be with the kids in an attempt to see what she has been missing seeing if she would soften to the idea of being around more. She has stayed here maybe 6 or 7 times since the seperation.Each time has been for one night only, in which I went out with friends. I only stay away on one of those night.

I'm going away with D 6 the first part of August for 3 days and have asked her to stay with my older kid who have to remain behind due to school activities.

I don’t know who I‘am , I’ve taken care of everybody for so long.

Do you understand what she is telling you?

She is saying that three months after we were married she started taking care of our family (our son was born). She has taken care of 3 kids and myself since 1992. Also her mother has been very dependent on her for the last several years. I did not help her out much when my business was booming. But I was there for her and the children for all family activities and financially. Maybe not as emotionally as I could of been. But she is a very private person that does not reveal much or complain, never any fighting or confrontation, a little jealousy perhaps. She took care of evey aspect of our personal lives. Over the last few month she seemed to be less attentive to the way she kept the house. I just chaulked it up to her working and running the kid and her mom around.

How does your wife feel cared for?

I always felt that as long as I earned a great living and provide security and shelter for our family she seemed so happy. But over the last year our earnigs have decreased and we have had to cut back to meet our obligations, also the irs levy on her pay check did not go over to well. I have kind of a hard time putting icing on the cake when explaining things to her, it come out very blunt and matter of fact. Example she swipes a atm card at the coffee shop and we get a $35 charge to cover nsf, my reply how was that $40 cup of coffee.

What do your phone bills tell you now?

It made me so angry to look at them, that I have not looked since May. I did call the OM back in April and ask as to why he was calling my wife. His reply was that he had walk away from his family and messed up his life. That she seemed lonely and he was trying to talk her out of making the same mistake. I asked how they met, he did not directly say but I believe it was the internet. He claimed she presented herself as seperated. He lives about 50 minutes from us. I have brought this up to my wife back in May, but she say's I need to drop it. So I have.

[Bravehardt]

Stuck808

Thanks for the response, I have seen your post around the boards, I just ran out of space to call on everyone. And beleive me there are more of you out than I can mention.

Everything you said rings true for me and I have taken steps to do some of the things you reccomended.

My mouth sets me back more often than I care to remember.
I do keep asking her for answers to why it happened and when she'll return.

I want to hang in here to know that I given it my all and have no regrets. But how do you determine for how long?

[Bravehardt]

dburt

Thanks great advice. I just keep getting caught up in the emotions when I see her, it hard to shut that off.

I always forget to look at the baby steps, its seem that for each little step she take forward, there are several more in reverse.

To me it seems like once she gets her fill of love from our D 6 she's good for a few day and doesn't need to be bothered.

Last Friday she did come over and I started in on some R question, she did say that she only wanted to relax with my D 6. She doesn't spend a lot of time with D 14 & S 17, I know that their age has something to do with it, I see it my self,

[MrBond]

Only you can answer the question as to how long you are going to hang on. If you would have asked me last year if I would still be here, I would have told you "no way".

At that time, my W didn't want anything to do with me, said she was "afraid" of me, forced sex on her, etc. Total BS. Now we are sleeping in the same bed (no intimacy)and are living as if nothing had ever happened. Totally weird.

Your W's MLC is something that you're going to have to learn how to navigate and that's why it takes ALOT of patience. What matters is what you do with this time that she's gone. You learn that there's nothing you can do to make her "fall in love" with you, so you do what makes you happy and take it one day at a time.

At times it will seem like it's easier to give up. But then maybe there's a voice inside of you that says " you can hang on for one more day" then that one day stretches to one week and then one month.

When you first dated your W, you didn't know if you would get another date with her after each one. In a way you have to get back to your "single" mentality where you had your own life and your own thing going on and it was up to your W if she wanted to hop aboard.

She's going to have to "fall" herself before she can see what a great thing she has going for her right now. Only she can do that. And besides, do you want the person who she is right now? Of course not. Your old W is in there somewhere, but she's going to have to deal with her changes on her own.

[robx]

Only you can answer the question as to how long you are going to hang on. If you would have asked me last year if I would still be here, I would have told you "no way".

At that time, my W didn't want anything to do with me, said she was "afraid" of me, forced sex on her, etc. Total BS. Now we are sleeping in the same bed (no intimacy)and are living as if nothing had ever happened. Totally weird.

Your W's MLC is something that you're going to have to learn how to navigate and that's why it takes ALOT of patience. What matters is what you do with this time that she's gone. You learn that there's nothing you can do to make her "fall in love" with you, so you do what makes you happy and take it one day at a time.

At times it will seem like it's easier to give up. But then maybe there's a voice inside of you that says " you can hang on for one more day" then that one day stretches to one week and then one month.

When you first dated your W, you didn't know if you would get another date with her after each one. In a way you have to get back to your "single" mentality where you had your own life and your own thing going on and it was up to your W if she wanted to hop aboard.

She's going to have to "fall" herself before she can see what a great thing she has going for her right now. Only she can do that. And besides, do you want the person who she is right now? Of course not. Your old W is in there somewhere, but she's going to have to deal with her changes on her own.

Stuck do you think sometimes your wife is waiting for you to take the lead and be physically intimate with her?

[MrBond]

Sometimes I wonder if I should be a little more aggressive and just lay one on her (figuratively speaking) and just take the lead.

Then I wonder if she's going to think that's all I want. The main problem was that after our kids were born, we lost our connection which then made sex just that...the act without emotion. So it might totally turn her off. Right now I'm flirting with her a bit to build that attraction back which I couldn't have done while she was in her depression stage. I'm going to keep it up for a couple more weeks, then maybe start doing something a little more "physical".

How about you robx? When last we spoke, you were on the verge with your S. How are things now?

Sorry for the hijack.

[Bravehardt]

stuck808
It feels like a life time has passed. It would be easy to throw in the towel. But I need to know I gave it my best shot.

My wife said that she is afraid of me also, I beleive from how I reacted to finding out about her talking to OM. It was just raw emotion on my behalf. She did not let me touch her until recently. Last Friday was the first time we embraced in three months. So I need help navigating? I torn between some pursuit or none at all and see if she come to me.

[Serenity13]

Hi Brave...

Just wanted you to know you are most welcome...I may not take the advice the best way at first but once it is beaten into my head (*wink *wink Puppy), I do pretty good...

I am glad you confronted your D on the cutting asap...I never learned how to cope for some reason and I have been doing that for 20 years so you don't want it to continue...I used to hide it so well and no one ever knew until I got into therapy...

Every person here is here to help and you may not like some of what you are hearing but it is beneficial for your well-being

(((Hugs)))

[Bravehardt]

Serenity13

I look forward to recieving all the help I can get. I wish you well in sitch, it breaks my heart to hear you go through so much pain as well. My prays go out to you.