Sandi2, Coach, Puppy and Gucci help!

[Serenity13]

Thanks Puppy....Coming from you, that means a lot to me...Now if I could hold onto that, I would be wonderful...

Brave ~ Never thought to look at it that way...I am trying to look at any kind of positive daily just to keep my mind and soul balanced...Inner peace is there by the grace of God as well as strength...

Today I choose courage...

Courage to continue my stand...

Courage to not falter in my beliefs...

Courage to put one foot in front of the other, all day with my head held high - No more looking down...

Courage to trust in God completely when I feel like I just can't do it anymore...

Courage to trust in myself for once in my life...

No more second guessing my decisions...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Attagirl.

[sandi2]

Hi Bravehardt, I hope I won't let you down in what you are needing. I will assume that you want me to look at your stitch from the POV of a WAW. But, before we talk about your WAW, I wanted you to know that I join the others in being very concerned for your D. And, the following statement you made only added more to my concerns:

She is online a lot of the time, I have started to limit that time. She goes to site where they role play in a fantasy world.

She is already looking for "excape" from her own reality and therefore she's getting more & more into fantasy. I hope you have discussed this Internet problem with her C b/c it could become (if not already) a most serious addiction/situation. Many case studies have proven this as I'm sure you know.

Okay, so about your WAW:

I been over whelmed with all the new responsibilities, the kids transportation, washing the clothes, cleaning the house, doing the bills, I've run a construction company and the W to care of everything else.

If you have felt overwhelmed recently with the added responsibilities.....how do you think your W has felt for YEARS & YEARS of having to do this? I saw immediately that she was spread too thin and could not deal with all the demands upon her. Then her mother becomes ill and needy, which pulls her into more "pieces". She feels she is falling apart and is scared at what is happening to herself. If you fear she may be close to having a mental breakdown....just think how she must feel from her side of things.

She did not know how to handle her problems with everything in her life, so the only thing to do (in her mind) was to try to walk away from them. No, it doesn't solve anything, but she is not thinking rationally.

That's the problem, her current state has so many different looks to it. I fear she may have had a mental break down of some kind. But she also show signs of MLC and WAW.

She not only shows the signs of a WAW.....she "is" a WAW! And, you do need to be concerned about her mental state. She has undoubtedly had more than she can mentally/emotionally bear. Something had to give (in her opinion) or her world would snap apart. A lot of women cannot spread themselves that thin. She cannot be "Supermom", hold down a part-time job, take care of her mother's needs, and keep the home running smoothly. It's too much for her. She can make it work for a while, and then it's like a mountain comes crashing down on her. I don't know any better way to describe it. She feels that she has gone into a self-survival mode.

She took care of evey aspect of our personal lives. Over the last few month she seemed to be less attentive to the way she kept the house. I just chaulked it up to her working and running the kid and her mom around.

The fact that the house started sliding was a sign that she had too much on her shoulders. I think you said something about working and providing for your family and being at "family events", but her work was actually more (in many ways) than what you were doing and she never got to "clock out" and go to a quiet safe place that did not require something of "her". When women went out to the workforce, they took on that job on top of all the jobs at home, they didn't necessarily trade it in. (Not saying you don't see that.....just talking.)

I do not think the OM was the original problem, but I see him as a big threat now. However, he is the result of what she is trying to escape. Much like your teenage D, she is trying to find something that will make her feel better, so she is trying to escape to "fantasy land" and each time you make her feel really bad about the stitch, then she's going to run to fantasy land and find OM.

I know you are in pain and that it is hard to keep a balanced frame of mind, but I just wanted to show something to you:

At that point and time she had been taking them to school 3 times a week maybe less. I told her that I could hire a driver to handle that if she thought she was investing 50% with them. They kgirls had spent a few nights with her once a week. She then said that I should be paying her a $1000.00 a month spousal support. So we have had arguments about money. Which might stem from the irs issues and me not having the kind of income i had in the past. She may feel insecure that I can't support her and thats why she pulled away.

Do you see the coldness there? If you are not giving any financial support (or not enough)...and yet you say you could "hire a driver" to take the kids to school? I'm sure you were making a point to her, but you cut her to the quick when you told her that, and it only adds more problems to your stitch. I'm not telling you what to do about the financial support b/c that is not really the issue in this quote......it is how you expressed that to your W as if she was not worth more than a hired hand who was falling down on her job. When you said what you did, she thought if you had money to pay a driver....then you could fork it over to her!

dburt told you:

Be cordial to her, do not put any pressure on her, act as if everything in your world is great and that if she wants to stop in and see your world let it have a happy vibe to it.

You felt as if she was intruding on "your" space......but yet you did not want her to be a WAW, right? You can't place a lot of pressure and blame on her and expect her not to continue to push away. For what it's worth, if I had been in your place, I would have probably thought the same thing as you did, however, I'm telling you about her. You either want to draw her back.....or push her away. You can't have it both ways. If you try to draw her back, then you need to learn how to do that without looking like a whimp or going the other direction and being a jerk. Hard balancing act!

This was great advice from dburt, and I think after he told you that....you did try to see it that way.

I thought I would allow her to come back to the house and be with the kids in an attempt to see what she has been missing seeing if she would soften to the idea of being around more.

I have paid all the bill for 17 years. She has been working part time for two years. She handled all household chores and bill payment. I do know that prior to March she did contribute some of her money to help out, but pull all her earnings off the table.

My first impression of this statement was not very nice. But, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. How exactly do you mean this? Do you feel that she was or wasn't pulling her weight as an equal partner in this R? You have pointed out that she worked "part-time" at minimum wage. By the time they held out taxes, she couldn't have been bringing much home. In what ways do you feel she spent her check on things that did not contribute to the family needs? She probably had to buy clothes to work in for herself, car expenses, lunch, other personal items.......even if she only covered herself....wouldn't that have been considered helping? Would you have been out that expense if she had not paid for it?

What I really did not understand is how you expressed the fact that she pulled "all her earnings off the table". Do you think she felt you were expecting more of her than she could give? If she felt she had to keep up with all she would do as a SAHM.....but also be in the workforce part-time, maybe she couldn't deliver what you expected.

OH! HERE IT COMES!

I did not help her out much when my business was booming. But I was there for her and the children for all family activities and financially. Maybe not as emotionally as I could have been

Do tell???? (Yes, this is where you said something about being there for all family activities! Well, hooray for you!) And you wonder why she's walked away?

It made me so angry to look at them, that I have not looked since May. I did call the OM back in April and ask as to why he was calling my wife. His reply was that he had walk away from his family and messed up his life. That she seemed lonely and he was trying to talk her out of making the same mistake. I asked how they met, he did not directly say but I believe it was the internet. He claimed she presented herself as seperated. He lives about 50 minutes from us. I have brought this up to my wife back in May, but she say's I need to drop it. So I have.

You can stick your head in the sand, but it won't make OM go away. Your W told you to drop it.....so you have. Nice. Don't you know that she will continue contact with OM as long as she can get something out of that R? Don't go off half-cocked before discussing it, but wanted to tell you that you are kidding yourself about this stitch where OM is concerned-- and he lied to you bigger than life.

Last Friday she did come over and I started in on some R question, she did say that she only wanted to relax with my D 6.

So, you try to make her "want" to come to the house so she will "soften" at the idea of being there (or something to that effect) but as soon as she does try to think of it as a place to relax with her child, you begin to interrogate her? (No, I realize you didn't....but she probably felt like you were.) I don't think the home should be the place for a S couple to discuss R topics--if at all possible. Let that place be associated with good memories and a relaxing place to be with her children. If you must, meet at a different location to discuss the stitch.

You are correct about her making a difference in her attention to the children b/c of their ages. She feels she has lost the older ones and when you took D's side against the W's, she feels that she has lost the battle there and gave up. Now, in her mind's eye, the D6 is all she has left and that's why she is clinging to her.

Last Friday was the first time we embraced in three months. So I need help navigating? I torn between some pursuit or none at all and see if she come to me.

What do you want to navigate......sex?

I wrote here a letter and took her some flower on sunday after church. She texted me the following day that she did not know what to say.

Was this "after" the embrace? I see it as pursuing way over the top. I believe she is looking for your respect more than flowers and a card. Why do men think flowers and a card solve problems for women? You said it yourself.....you have not been there for her emotionally and she feels completely exhausted and spent. She is looking for somebody who will feed her ego, appreciate her, and make her feel treasured. If your attempt at sending flowers/card was in hopes of navigating around to having sex, then you are not handling it correctly. Depending on her sex drive and how active your sex life was up until the S--will probably determine her response to any of your "pursuit".

Well, that's my take on it. I know it is very hurtful and frustrating. But, she is not getting by without pain......it is in a different way from yours. You see her as being the one inflicting the pain, but she sees herself as the one escaping the pain. There are two sides to every story and you may think I've been unfair to yours, but I hope I gave you something to think about where your W is concerned.

Take care,
Sandi

[mac-ct]

Sandi - 'nuff said

[Bravehardt]

Sandi

Thanks for taking a look at my sitch. How do I show your qoutes and reply to each of them.

[Bravehardt]

Seneity

Thanks for the POA, I like each one of those.

[mac-ct]

Braveheart it's a pain in the nuts to do the quote thing...

You have to start the quote with [ quote ] and end with a [ /quote ] without the spaces! Certainly keeps your brain busy for a while. You have NO idea how many times I've tried to type this without my quotes coming up as a quote!

Or maybe that's because of the whiskey and coke I'm on for purely medicinal reasons

[Serenity13]

Anytime my friend...

We all have to stick together even though this isn't where we want to be, it is nice to know others are in the same situation

[Bravehardt]

mac-tc

Thanks, I'll try it.
Medicinal reason seem to be abound.LOL
Whats your sitch?

[mac-ct]

You really don't want to know the start - have a look at the positives - Newcomers/Rays of Hope - MUCH better reading.

You can find the origins by looking at my original posts - and if you do BOY do I look like a complete and utter PLONKER and I was