Yeah, it does seem so. And the funny thing is that every time one of these things happens it makes it easier to ignore them. It's empowering to some extent because you feel more in control.
This afternoon, a whole string of online msgs comes in about how I should submit my photos to istockphoto because they are awesome and that she KNOWS they will accept them. I let her wait a while before I responded.
Wow... It's been almost 2 weeks since I was here... Gotta lot to update about!
We had a great 4th of July weekend. All the kids were with me and a friend came over and we just hung out at the sailing club. Put the boat in sailed around the lake, boys were using their water guns on the other boats. We had a blast!
W is trying to find out where she wants her life to go from here, so she's trying to figure out where to get a Master's degree in arts, so she can teach arts. Turns out the closest place is at least a 5 or 6 hour drive away, so she would have to move. She keeps me informed about all of this and she tells me that that is too far, so she won't be able to do it. That she's not taking the kids far away from me and stuff. I guess I am glad to hear that, but not sure if she wants us to live like this forever? There's another part to this further down...
All last week the boys day care was closed and we collaborated well taking turns taking care of the boys and working from home. Thursday was the twins birthday and I had them. Got presents on Wed night before W brought them over. W said she didn't have any money so she would get them something on Friday (pay day). I had gotten something artistic for them and when she called to talk to them to wish them happy birthday, I asked her if she wanted to give that to them, since it was more something for an artist to give to them, she said she really appreciated that and yes, she would like to give it to them that night. The boys wanted pizza for dinner, so we went to Pizza Hut in town and we all had a fun time. When we get back in the car, she tells me she really doesn't like that place, that it's dirty and the service was bad. I told her I fully agree, but it was there or drive to the next town (and she didn't get to the house until 7:30 that night) or no pizza... I told her we only go there about once a year and the boys seemed to have a good time so whatever... She agreed with that. Then she tells me how she just really misses living in the southwest (that's where's she's from) and I tell her I love it there also. Then she says that she just thoroughly hates it here now and she's secretly hoping that I'll get a job in New Mexico or maybe Utah because then she would have to move there. Those 2 places are states where we took trips the two of us several years back btw, we both loved it out there. I just said that I wouldn't mind living over there at all! But in my mind I wondering: so you want us to both move there and then what? Live in separate houses there? Just keep moving together but separate? I really don't want to think about what that means too long, but I can't help but detect an underlying message of "we're together", but not in the same house.... yet? Especially noteworthy is that the drive home is about 5 minutes, so she managed to slip in all this "deep" stuff really quick... Lately, she's also been very talkative when she comes by to drop off or pick up the boys. She says she's only staying one minute, but ends up updating me on her health sitch, her work sitch and all kinds of other sitches, other people in her town pissing her off, etc.. This morning she texts me about a frog she found in her apartment, then that she's keeping it to show the boys, trying to feed it... I was kinda busy and responded later.
Saturday, she's calling me to ask me how to decalcify the espresso machine. Told her on the phone and said I would come in for a minute after I drop off StepS 13 to see if it's going ok. W says that would be great. Yesterday, she calls me asking me how to get the correct settings on her camera again. Apparantly, one of the twins had been playing with it and screwed up all the settings.
Anyways, so there it is. It seems like there's a little movement in the sitch, so I'll just keep the course and keep cool...
I don't know what you do for work, but your twins are young... (and can't remember is StepS lives w/mom or what), but it appears you both loved the Southwest. Is this something to consider?
Also, it appears you are rescuing her a lot...
Do you two ever do anything w/out the kids?
Glad to see you back!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Saw the MC today by myself. Thought she would be able to give me some insight, having talked to W by herself.
Bottomline is that she says that W really seems to care for me tremendously, that W speaks highly of me, MC speaks highly of our R given what she heard from both of us independently, says that our R is very symbiotic and we're great friends. She also said that W's remark about her secretly wishing I'd get a job out west might be that she's testing the waters with me about being together. She said that W's R with her parents appears to be so dissappointing and unfulfilling to W that she lacks even that basic feeling of unconditional love from her parents, and that she therefore is unable to give unconditional love herself.
She then asked if W and I had had any convo about what our sitch is now, where do we stand? I told her that I am reluctant to bring it up because we usually have a good time together, so I don't want to spoil the mood. I also said that I don't want to pressure her either. She agreed that early on it's not a good idea, but if several months go by I should bring it back up. And that I can bring it back up without pressuring by asking about her, about if things turned out like she thought for her. Or (and this sounds like a better avenue to me) ask her about the moving remark, does he really want to move?
I don't know... Maybe I have to sleep on it for a little bit... but first a glass of wine!
What did you have in mind for the shake up? The move? StepS lived with us (met W when he was 2) until 2 yrs ago, then lived with his dad for 2 yrs and is moving back for this upcoming school year. He sort of floats around and stays with me, then with W, mostly trying to avoid the twins... we do have fun the two of us tho!
Thanks for pointing out the rescuing... I really 'didn't see it that way until you pointed it out. It's just that it's something new. She's never really asked for my help with anything. I volunteered help early on in the sitch, but that has stopped long time ago. Now she's requesting help, and although I am not jumping in the car to go help her with anything, I realize now that I am too available.
As far as doing something w/o the kids: for the first few months of S, we would go out every Sat night, then less often, then even less often, then only occasionally, but every time I was the one organizing it and I got tired of it, so I stopped organizing it and so now nothing happens...
I am just getting tired of all this sh!t.... tired of thinking about it... the reason I wan't on the boards was that I was busy with other stuff... The MC asked me what I was thinking is holding her back from coming home, and I said I think she's not having that desire for intimacy that she thinks she needs to be able to live in the same house. Other than that, I think everything is there, but WTF do I know!??
OK, feeling a little better today. Was just kinda overwhelmed with all the talking and thinking about my sitch yesterday....
I was reading some posts from a while ago and saw something that the MC told me also. The MC told me yesterday that W told her during her last session that she feels like she's "ruining" me. I can't remember how she said it exactly, but the message was that she wasn't good enough for me. The MC also said that she has some severe self-esteem issues, mentioning that W had told her that no one would ever see her naked again. I told MC that I think she looks great and that that has not been an issue for me and also that she was 20-30 lbs heavier than now when she accused me of "just being attracted to her because she lost weight" (over a year ago). I need to try to give her more WoA when she's with me. Lately I have been a little less giving in that sense. Yesterday, she told me that she's lost 8 lbs since 3 weeks ago, I told her she looked great and then she goes again like "I need to lose more though, I still don't look good". I gave her a little slap on the butt and said that her jeans look great on her. Maybe she just needs some validation on her looks to help with her self-esteem...
Anyway, back to what I was trying to say... Maybe she does believe that she's not good enough for me. When she calls me she keeps saying "sorry to bother you...", "I'll try not to bother you again.." and "Thanks for picking up the phone...". I told her I am not bothered by her phone calls. Was just thinking about this again and what DOES bother me is that she introduces me to teachers at the boys' school as "the twins dad", THAT does REALLY bother me! So I told her that she's not bothering me, that if I am busy and can't pick up, I won't pick up and if it's urgent, just leave me a voicemail and I'll call back later when I'm not busy.
So, in conclusion, if she really does feel like she's not good enough for me, then getting completely detached wouldn't really be helping anything, would it? I do need to change something though...
I don't think the completely detaching will work, either. The question is will her self esteem ever return? I forget, does she see an IC, as well? How is the MC handling her self deprecating talk?
I wouldn't like being called "the twins dad" either.
Tell her to knock that sh*t off! LOL
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Yeah MB... I had my opinion on most of these things for years, even before the current sitch, but it's nice to hear someone independent (MC) tell me the same observations!
About her self-esteem returning: I don't know... She's had low self-esteem ever since I've known her. Although she was the one that came after me more than 10 yrs ago now. I did not pursue her at all at first. We have gone to the MC in joint sessions twice, both last year before the S. Then we went in late April this year and both had some individual time with her and then about 20 min together. After every session, W will say that she really helps her and she wants to go again. I have made the appointments every single time, but after the last time, she said she wanted to make the appointmenr and I said great, go ahead. After that, nothing happens. She forgets, forgets again, then says she doesn't have any money... I got tired and just went by myself. Earlier this week she fried her phone by leaving it in her pocket while getting an MRI done, and she DID have money to buy a new $200 iPhone, she said she had just sold some artwork.... The money is an issue but also an excuse, MC agrees with that. I figured I can go at least once to see what the MC can advise me since she has talked to W by herself. The MC told me that W is very self-criticizing and hard on herself. The MC told me that she hopes W will get help, because she really needs it, and I told her I hope so too, but I can't make her go...
MB, I wish I could tell her to "just stop it!" (It's a MAD TV sketch with a psychologist that solves everyone's problem within 5 minutes by telling to "just stop it!". W actually forwarded me a link to it a couple of months ago... how ironic!
