Hey?!? Who Locked Up My Mojo?

[DanceQueen]

So...apparently my contribution is, like, well, "not many takers" and doesn't count? Wow! You are a strange guy sometimes, SP.

[Kettricken]

Dashing out the door, but ...

Color me "meh" on the "admiration" if it's used in the sense of "looking up to" (which a secretary necessarily is) or is preceded by an implied "worshipful".

From my perspective, "honest appreciation" is more the mot juste.

More anon.

[SmileysPerson]

In terms of substantive offerings, there's you, DQ, there's BobbiJo, there's Gypsy and some brief concurrences with this or that.

Relative to the number of interventions one sees on the question of Manly Manitude? No -- that's not much at all.

[Kalni]

I wasnt woman enough. I knew it very soon after the bomb. I could find thousands of VALID excuses/reasons why I wasnt. The truth is, I lost myself. My spirit, my humor, my feminine side. (Not my physical condition). I was trying to be things I could be but on expense of parts of me that were precious for my peace of mind and soul.

He only saw that I disrespected him in little things. That I doubted him. Again in everyday things. I did everything Deida AND Stonsy/Love say a woman SHOULD NOT do. I took him "down", day by day, month by month. I was struggling to be a woman and be the leader at the same time. VERY difficult balancing act. It didnt work.

I dont know what happened first though. I am probably one of those women with "issues". Because I blossom when my man treats me like a woman and "die" when I am "left alone" (Stonsy" worst things a man can do to his woman"). I felt ashamed to show vulnerability, "I could do it all". He left me space I took on. He was retreating and I was using his space (sorry SP, Deida explains it perfectly).

This year, to me, the changes didnt mean "stand on my own feet and make me happy". It meant accepting/admitting that I need him (not H, HIM) to make me happy, take a step back and give over control. Enjoy being taken care of, admitt I need physical connection, protection, all big no-nos till today.

You know my problem now? I took that step back willingly and H STILL hasnt realised that he needs to step forward. There is this...gap between us. I am tempted many times to "lead". I refuse to. Our MC said he is pushing me to regain the old roles. It's familiar and convinient to him. It is NOT what I need and want. Ohhh I could go on forever...
K

[AlexEN]

DQ,

This is very interesting... There really are four "sets" like this that have to be managed for an R to thrive:

1 - What men want in a woman
2 - What women want in a man
3 - What men want from themselves
4 - What women want from themselves

What I mean by that, is that it seems to me it's a very delicate balance to get all of those things in synch in any individual relationship. If the relationship ends up being driven too much by any one of the four, it's probably in trouble.

Although part of me wonders if "want" should be replaced by "need"... In which case, one's R has to strike a balance between:

1 - What men need in a woman
2 - What women need in a man
3 - What men need for themselves
4 - What women need for themselves

And, parsing even further, in any individual relationship:

1 - What a man needs from his partner
2 - What a woman needs from her partner
3 - What a man needs for himself
4 - What a woman needs for herself

If either partner is focused too much on what the other needs (or, worse yet, wants) the relationship is co-dependent; if either partner is focused too much on his or her own needs (with the same caveat about "wants") the relationship is in-dependent and anything but a "partnership".

I think there are certain commonalities across most relationships, and I like @Coach's list as a starting point...

Appreciated
Seen
Heard
Understood
Loved
Accepted

...But, my guess is those things mean slightly different things to different people (and they will have varying degrees of "needing" each). After that, each relationship/partnership will have its own set of needs that have to be kept in balance.

And staying "in balance" requires commitment and SELF-KNOWLEDGE from each partner and is why the different languages men and women sometimes speak is at the root of so many breakdowns, as without communicating what we need from ourselves and each other to each other, that balance is all the much harder to achieve...

Wow, what a ramble... @DQ, that's where your post took me!

-AlexEN

[AlexEN]

Thinking about a new topic. Trusting yourself. Trusting your changes.

An important concept to get one's (my) head around for convos like that which awaits today as the sun creeps over the palm trees here in Coastal State.

Thoughts?

Smiley, sent you the full paper on Trust (the one referenced on @A&K's thread) in the yahoo alt.

[Thinker]

... I am probably one of those women with "issues". Because I blossom when my man treats me like a woman and "die" when I am "left alone" (Stonsy" worst things a man can do to his woman").

Hi Kalni,

Just responding to say this struck a note with me. I see this in my wife - completely. Looking back I see that what I did was leave her alone - did my own thing.

Now I can clearly see what she wants, what she responds to, etc, but now we are locked in a different struggle. She wants very much to be pursued, and charmed etc - but not by me.

[Greek]

,

This is very interesting... There really are four "sets" like this that have to be managed for an R to thrive:

1 - What men want in a woman
2 - What women want in a man
3 - What men want from themselves
4 - What women want from themselves

What I mean by that, is that it seems to me it's a very delicate balance to get all of those things in synch in any individual relationship. If the relationship ends up being driven too much by any one of the four, it's probably in trouble.

And staying "in balance" requires commitment and SELF-KNOWLEDGE from each partner and is why the different languages men and women sometimes speak is at the root of so many breakdowns, as without communicating what we need from ourselves and each other to each other, that balance is all the much harder to achieve...

And don't forget the times we live in. This balancing act was not so complicated when our grandparents were building families. Think about how we're raising our daughters now. Careers. Education. Opportunity. Sisters are carrying their power (earning, sexual, influence) down the aisle with them these days. The learning curve is STEEP for all.

[Thinker]

Stonsy" worst things a man can do to his woman").

Another quick question: What is this reference? Is Stonsy an author?

[antlers]

Stonsy" worst things a man can do to his woman").

Another quick question: What is this reference? Is Stonsy an author?

Steven Stosny is an author. He wrote a great book called 'Love Without Hurt'. It's about healing, for both sides, from anger, resentment, and abuse...through increased compassion for yourself and others. He said that 'compassion' is the lifeblood of families. I'm very familiar with this book, and I highly recommend it.