I'll look you up later, my batteries are low. Have a good night.
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
The venting I over looked. I need to start validating, I need to get some lines memorized. I read somewhere when the W is (Mad its Good and when she Happy its Not, concerning the sitch) or something like that.
I can't help but wonder what it means when she's miserable (can't be my influence - I'm nowhere near the pair of them!)
And today is another fine day and it's on it's way to you (unless you're near DC :-)
I said it did not work out in our schedule with such short notice. Then I used the Coachs words "How can I help you see the kids more often?" The silence was lasted till D 6 returned 4 minutes later. She never answered the question.So I got up and left.
Quote:
My key phrases: "I understand why you might think that way"
" I understand why you would feel that way"
"I can see why you would think that way of that"
"This is your choice, not mine"
Anything using the phrase "This is your choice"
Just validate her feelings, even if you don't agree. Or just remove yourself from the situation till she cools off. Tell her you are willing to work with her, but she needs to work with you at the same time.
You have to realize that in her state of mind right now, her way is the only one that makes sense. In her mind, you are %100 responsible for everything wrong and the only way to fix this is to get out.
You see how if you agree with her and let it be her decision she gets stumped. She can't be mad at you if you are on her side. You still have boundaries and don't let her mind read. Validating and you keeping your emotions in check will help you.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
She can't be mad at you if you are on her side. You still have boundaries and don't let her mind read
Agreed. Thanks for the advice.
I need to ask you about something that is weighing heavy on my mind.
I agreed to let the W stay at our home with the kids in hopes that she would get closer with them and soften to the idea of being around here. Last night she stayed till 1am when she left for work. She hung out with D 6, chatted with the older kids. She did not prepare anything for dinner for the older two and just gave D 6 a bowl of cerial. No big deal here?
My problem is that I feel like the W is disrespecting me when she goes on line at our home. Example D 14 deleted some mp3 and photos, she asked me if I could recover them today. I down load a program and get the photos for her, along with some photos of men from e harmony last night when the W was on that computer.
I feel like confronting her, but know it will turn ugly.
This just keeps pushing me to the point to end this drama and all her BS. I feel like filing just so I can gain some hard core boundries and reset my compass. The W 50/50 threats to me are just that a threat. She does not want to discuss a visitation schedule which works for each of us, and just wants to keep coming over here and doing as she pleases.
I'm having a DIFFICULT TIME FOCUSING on all aspects of my life. Which is not healthy for myself or the kids.
I just got off the phone W wife and the D is on. Wants to set up mediation.
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
I have a lot of the same going on Brave. She is cake eating. Getting what she still needs from you that you can still provide to her, then getting the rest of her needs fulfilled elsewhere.
I felt as though Brave's W was really cake eating. She doesn't want the kids at her place (which, BTW, she seems to be acting weird about) and she pops in & out at the house without any annoucements or invitations and expects Brave to keep the kids and the home fires burning! IMHO, she was disrepecting him. Everything was "her way" and he was laying back and allowing her to call the shots......which were mostly about D6 b/c she was acting as if she didn't have two other children. So, I was one of the main ones (or maybe the only one) who talked to Brave about how he needed to take some control in this stitch and that they needed to have a respected visitation schedule in place. That is nothing but fair on each side. Have computer problmes and have to continue my post on next reply.
Last edited by sandi2; 07/24/0901:29 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Anyway, to make this short.....I think Brave has the right idea on what he wants to do....but the problem is in "how to communicate" with her. It is "how" he says things that tick her off and now she is out to SHOW him that he is NOT going to push her around and TELL her what to do!
I think it was such a sudden 180 from what he was doing, until she put up an uproar over the scheduling. I truly think it is all about the "wording" in the communication. She was walking all over him (in my POV) and he needed to establish some boundaries
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What was I saying??? Oh....boundaries! She must be seeing a new side of her H and doesn't quite know what to make of it. Unless he can get some better understanding in "how" to word his communication, the Power Struggle is on!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
