I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate through the storm. So for the W to say what she did to me was very unexpected.
I don't know if it was the thought of I'm ready to proceed with a D and don't care any more, which I conveyed that to her very calmy.
Thanks Again
Today is the first time I felt at peace in the last few weeks
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
Your WAW may be on the verge of realizing she can't truly run away from her life. She still has responsibilities she can't ignore. Maybe some of the stress with her mother's condition will ease a bit now. I know you are very upset and angry at her reactions to your boundaries, but try to stay balanced and don't go too far one way.....but don't backslide from what you have set in place. I'm glad you held her and let her cry. I'm also glad you did not say anymore than you did b/c it would have been easy to have lost the ground you've gained. You let her know that she chose this....however, she can come back. I don't get WAW's thinking their LBS should finance their expenses! That is one of the consequenses of leaving the M. That is what she is experiencing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agreed to let the W stay at our home with the kids in hopes that she would get closer with them and soften to the idea of being around here. Last night she stayed till 1am when she left for work. She hung out with D 6, chatted with the older kids. She did not prepare anything for dinner for the older two and just gave D 6 a bowl of cerial. No big deal here?
My problem is that I feel like the W is disrespecting me when she goes on line at our home. Example D 14 deleted some mp3 and photos, she asked me if I could recover them today. I down load a program and get the photos for her, along with some photos of men from e harmony last night when the W was on that computer.
to state a boundary you can't think about the outcome (detach) - it will get ugly if I contront her. It's the right thing to do.
here's aformula to use:
When you do _______________ (get online and download pictures of men from singles sites in our home.)
I feel _____________________ (disrespected)
I want _______________________( you to stop going online in our home looking for other men to date.)
If_______________________ (you do this again you will not be welcome in the home again.) Whatever consequence you will enforce.
State it calmly and very direct. This is a non-negotiable unalterable term (NUT).
It's healthy and easier than you think. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You are right. I'm just worn out. She has stated that she wants a legal seperation with laywers involved. In our state we'll end up paying the lawyer twice if it does go to a divorce.
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
So much happened in side of 3 hours yesterday. I agree with your entire post.
Do you think that the D discussion may have knocked a whole in the wall she has erected?
What is my next move? Watch and see what happens...
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
When the W called me yesterday afternoon, I did not use those exact words but I did get an unexpected result. I'll just wait and see what happens next. She has D 6 till tommorrow morning.
I think all her D talk is just BS to see how I would react and how I would respond.
My replies were stated very calmly and to the point.
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
Coach gave you a very good formula to use for drawing boundaries. As I said before, I think you have the right idea but are having trouble communicating it. You pushed her buttons really hard and she reacted to that. Be calm, yet firm in your decisions and boundaries. If you need legal advice, then talk to your lawyer, but I would not make any threats of a D or do anything to start that action. I think most of what she was doing was an emotional reaction to you putting your foot down about her liberities of running in & out of the house as she pleased. She reacted like a child who had been use to having her way and then suddenly it was shut down….in which she did not like at all. So, a threat of D is all the leverage she has! That was the strongest and most painful thing she could think to throw at you when you stepped up to enforce some type of visitation schedule.
Fair is fair….and if she plans to do her side of the co-parenting at your house instead of where she is staying, then she should not have a problem in being considerate enough to work with you in scheduling visitations. Remember that you need to be “fair” with her, as well. I think what really ticked her off is when she called to see if she could go by to see D6 and you told her she was calling too late. I can see your point, but always ask yourself if you are being fair to the children, to her, and to the R. It is so hard to walk that fine line, but as Coach, Puppy, and some others have said…..do the “right” thing. When emotions are charged, it’s hard to be able to think clearly and perhaps one gets to the point they wonder what is “right” anymore. That is why you need to have this all thought out in advance and not wait until your W hits you unaware with some problem. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst! That is thinking about all that might possibly go wrong and how you would handle it. Know your own principles about certain issues at stake, so you won’t be taken off guard if that particular standard or principle is compromised (i.e., your W tries to compromise it).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She reacted like a child who had been use to having her way and then suddenly it was shut down….in which she did not like at all. So, a threat of D is all the leverage she has! That was the strongest and most painful thing she could think to throw at you
Oh yeah.
Sandi - you have such an insight - gems abound from your words.
Can I please ask you to throw some my way?
My thanks and I'm sure everyone will join those thanks.
Brave, how ya holding up? I'm having a rough one with the house being empty but I've talked to my kids a few times and that helps. Hope your weekend is going good for ya.
