Thanks for giving that link. I'm guessing that the author either read DR, or just coincidentally followed DB to a tee. She sounds like a strong, smart woman to me. No begging, crying, pleading.
I think it's how you stand that makes you a doormat or not. She seems like a very strong person to me. I think the 6 month time limit was good also.
Why do you hang out with XW and have these chats? Is it because of the work/networking thing? She doesn't seem to help your PMA much.She seems really self-centered.
BTW, I think there's a huge number of us that are laid off. I don't feel like a loser. I think it's our economy more than our individual worth. I'd like to think so anyway.
thanks karen - why hang out with X? First, I guess, is because I'm not a bitter person. I won't make the effort to do things with her, but if she asks me and I have nothing going on, well, it's a chance to get out of the house. Secondly, there's a job involved, that offers experience in an area lacking in my CV. I suppose she IS really self-centered, although I think she's good at disguising that with small talk. Around where I live, everyone is self-centered.
Thanks for reminding me that being laid off in this current economy isn't unique. I've never been laid off before, so it's a little hard not to take it personally. And the circumstances leading to my layoff did seem personal, but oh well. I have a severance package, how can I complain? Others have not been so lucky and I really feel for them.
I feel isolated because it's been hard to meet people to hang out with. Even harder to date. I've gone out a few times and women have shown an interest, but I haven't been very inspired to call back. Now that I don't have the daily work routine to structure my day, I guess I feel a bit adrift and like I'm in the house too much.
small complaints, I realize. When I read other sitches, I realize how trivial all this is. I'm just trying to find a way out of my rut.
Did have a good day - did some gardening and then to farmer's market. Afterwards a run and then time in the kitchen. Made some spicy pickled jalapenos, froze a gallon of pesto, made and froze tomato sauce, and made tomatillo sauce. Fresh fish for dinner, a glass of 10 year tawny port for dessert, and am now heading out for an evening walk. I'm alone, but I can at least enjoy some simple pleasures!
I think your X may be DBing you. Showing you how great her life is, pointing out all the exciting parts. Why on earth would she want to chat adn spend time with you when she is busy with tons of friends etc etc. I dont buy it.
BTW, I loved the article. K
What do you do for a living? How about cooking?
You need an intelectual woman, liberal, openminded, citizen of the world, calm and confident. I have her image in my mind. Weird... Of all the people, I can see what YOU need. Or so I think so, probably wrong anyway
I read the article and am finding it hard to believe someone could think that fast on their feet!! Yes, a brilliant way to handle it and so glad she did it as she did but it didn't sound as if he had someone else...yet.
We fought the good fight because we believed in the marriage and the vows we took. I think we all had our own timeline even if it was only to accept the demise of our relationship. I also think we believed that love would conquer all, maybe a little naive there.
I don't understand your wife. I never have. If you feel as if you are a drift perhaps it is time to put a timeline in your day. You need the structure. Writers don't just sit around all day and write at will. They have a routine. Create one. You are going to find your way.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
You may be right, she may be DBing me. Neither me nor my friends understand why she wants to maintain a connection after trying so hard to end the M. On the other hand, it is what it is. Any thoughts I have of her are from the past. To me, she now = work. Strange, though, how she seems to keep trying for some sort of connection. It's like she hungers for my understanding.
The woman you imagine sounds great! Where is she?!
Kat - I thought the same thing about the woman in the article thinking fast on her feet. I sure didn't respond that way. I had to stumble upon DB before I started ducking the blows. Of course, she's a writer and may have selectively chosen how to present her response.
As i read the article, I wondered if XW would read it and recognize that I'd done the same thing with her. I know she was aware, at least at one point early on, of what was happening because she asked me why I was so understanding and patient when she was being so horrible.
Yes, kat, we both fought the good fight. I came to realize that I'm too much of a nice guy [read as boring wimp] and that's what I struggle with. Don't want to infect future relationships with poor behavior from the past. But, as the article said repeatedly, you also have to stop and say, "I don't buy it, STBX - this is your stuff to deal with, not the reality of our marriage." I think that's what was best for me to hear - that it wasn't all my fault. If they aren't willing to deal with themselves, that's their problem and I'll never take that on.
You're right, I need to be better about enforcing a routine to get structure back in my day. Might have a couple of job opportunities. One sounds like a great job but would be a huge cut in pay. The other is a self-employment opportunity offering interesting work and many travel opportunities. It seems extremely promising as far as getting money in, but it would have to be developed and there are no guarantees. In other words, I could work my butt off and still not be paid, let alone get benefits.
I'm treading the line and pursuing both options for now, but will have to make a decision at some point. The bad part is that if I pursue the first job, it's in the same organization I was in before and, if hired, I'd lose my severance package. I'd have a job with good benefits, but would lose the equivalent of 3 month's salary. Hard choices! Of course, I can put off the decision and see what else comes up, but it's hard to feel insecure about employment.
I think there can be a fine line between a doormat and a rock. Each sitch is much the same yet different. I don't write so well to portray reality and while many have advised me of their doormat opinion I prefer to think of myself as the rock. Maybe I just still have my head stuck in the sand but there has truly been changes in my H that feel positive and real. We haven't wrote the final chapter on our M yet! One of the first ever books I read resulted from seeing the Oprah show and a couple that was interviewed, the W wrote a book, Back From Betrayal. I read that long before I found DB.
lodo, your XW is a classic case of needing WOA to keep her ego properly fed. As long as she is talking she is convincing herself of her great self, and trying to convince everyone else as well. I have a sister like that, no one else can hardly get a word out when she is in the room. She doesn't notice. We still love her, but ya gotta love family.
Good luck deciding on your jobs and severance and new opportunities! Maybe you should put your guiding experience together with your biking enthusiasm and start a guided bike tour busines!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
You have so many talents, I would think you would be able to parlay one of them into a fantastic job! What is your passion? That is where you should go...
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
The bad part is that if I pursue the first job, it's in the same organization I was in before and, if hired, I'd lose my severance package. I'd have a job with good benefits, but would lose the equivalent of 3 month's salary. lodo
Huge cut in pay AND the loss of 3 months salary--I wouldn't recommend that unless it's your absolute dream job. And what if that job doesn't work out-would you still get a severance package? Karen
I suppose she IS really self-centered, although I think she's good at disguising that with small talk. Around where I live, everyone is self-centered.
lodo
That's sad. My guess, very much a guess, would be that she wants to keep you still semi-attached to her? Like if she decides in a year or 2 she's not happy with her life, you're always there as her safety net or backup plan. Do you think?
I have the same deal. I like routines. So I usually plan a couple work type things or errands or chores or whatever, we homeschool too. And plan a fun thing or 2 each day too. Stuff like that. Karen
Well, by huge cut in pay I meant compared to what I was making before. Considering that I'm laid off and no one seems to be paying much, it'd be great! But even though I'd be in a different department, if I got the job, I'd relinquish any claim to the severance money I had coming to me. If I got a job with another company, I could keep the severance money. That's my dilemma. But I am very interested in the job and am well suited for it. And they try to fill new hires from laid off employees first, so there's a good chance I'd get it.
Regarding XW, I think you're probably spot on with your analysis. She's very independent and probably hasn't really thought things through. Has just assumed that if she's nice to me, I'll always be there for her same as always. We just wouldn't be married anymore.
Just had an episode that made me realize I'm not fully healed. XW sent email asking to use my vehicle. Normally I'd say no problem. I don't really care, to be honest. And truthfully, I'm having a harder and harder time seeing why XW and I were even married. Maybe that's a coping mechanism, I don't know, but I have no clue why we were ever together. However, I know that she's going to be working with OM - the one she asked me to wait 6 months while she tried to start a R with. So I wrote back and said while normally I'd be happy to lend her my vehicle, to be frank, I didn't want OM to step foot inside my car. She wrote back that she understood and thanks.
I know they aren't even in a R, I know I should let it go and for the most part I have. I don't give him a second thought. I could easily let her take the car and not care. But it was more the fact that she felt comfortable asking. I would never have asked that of her and I'm amazed she would feel like she could ask it of me. That's why I had to say no.
And now those feelings of disbelief and anger are welling up again. GRRRR - I thought that was all dead! Oh well, glad I'm leaving town tomorrow.
