First post - was a lurker, now need to talk

[Margali]

Hi Margali!

Regardless of talking to him about it before, you probably did not give him the message you thought you gave him, because if your actions are totally non-assertive, then he is going to read your actions more often than the occasional conversation you bring up.

The way to be assertive without nagging is to show him and tell him you want to have sex with him. No man (with a normal sex drive) is going to view you wanting sex with him as "nagging"! Instead, it is going to make him feel desired, which will then trigger his desire. Over time, as you show him your desire for him, he will likely show you his desire for you more! So instead of waiting for him to bring it up again later that night, you just get in bed in a sexy nightie and light candles...and you tell him straight up, "baby, I can't wait to get my arms around you and make magic together".

OK, this sounds like "actions speak louder than words" which makes perfect sense to me. I'm a bit that way myself - H can talk all he wants about how he wants to do it, but I tend not to believe it until he's actually touching me in intimate ways. Maybe he feels the same way about my verbal expressions of concern.

When Lucky said to make sure you don't make it seem about your own satisfaction, I think what she meant was to make sure he feels desired by you. IE: its not that you "want sex", its that you "want HIM". This should be an easy message to deliver to him, if in fact, you really do want him. You like the way he looks? Tell him. You like how muscular his legs are? Touch them and talk about how sexy they are. You love it when you get to look into his eyes while he's making love to you? Send him an email the day after sex stating this.

I do give H frequent compliments of a sensual and sexual nature. I've also made it clear to him (verbally) that I care about the whole relationship, not just the sex part, and that I want to do my part to make this relationship work out.

[Margali]

Welcome Margali,

Sorry it's taken me so long to check the boards. It's been quite a busy summer!

Thanks for coming in whenever you have the time. I don't have as much time as I'd like, myself. I can't do much online from work, and when I get home from work, I'm just too wiped out to do much on the computer. I only want to have supper and watch TV. (Or have sex [LOL]!)

I learned that I had my own issues with intimacy, and I also got to know myself better with regard to what I want. Reading important books like SSM and Passionate Marriage will help you explore yourself AND articulate your thoughts and desires with your H.

I know I have issues with intimacy. It takes a long time for me to trust someone with my heart. My intimacy issues were a big factor in the breakup of my first marriage. This time around, I was lucky enough to meet H, who is sensitive to other people's emotions and patient, loving, and kind. (My first H was patient, loving and kind, but not particularly SMART. Present H can read me like a book, and he's so smart I wouldn't dare try to deceive him - even if I wanted to, which I don't.)

In my particular case, it took several encounters and talks over time, with a final discussion that outlined exactly what I want, what I need, and what is at stake because of what was missing.

And maybe it will get to this point w/ me and H. We've had some good talks on the subject over the past year.

Some people "get it" more easily than others, but what is important is your tenacity. Keep learning and keep pushing him on the issue. But do so *carefully,* without coming down on him (which will shut him down) and without making it seem like an obsession or that you're only after your own satisfaction. This is about improving your marriage and your connection -- BOTH of you will live happier lives because of the work you put into this.

I'm trying, really trying, to emphasize to him that this is about the whole relationship, not just sex, and that it's for the long term, not just momentary sexual thrills for me. I said to him yesterday, "I could love you forever, if you let me." And he said, "Well, I'm going to let you." Just thinking about that brings me to tears, but they're tears of happiness, not pain.

Another important point is self care. Do, wear, behave in a way that makes you feel beautiful and sexy, first for YOU, then for him. Your positive energy and positive self image will keep you happier and more open to intimacy with your H.

I've lost 6.5 pounds in Weight Watchers since I started on July 3 (almost a month ago). Although sex and my looks are part of the reason I'm doing it, I'm also doing it for health and comfort reasons. Some of my health issues might be non-issues if I lost about 20 pounds, and it's *really* uncomfortable physically to be even a little overweight - especially in summer. I've got some good reasons to lose weight that would still apply even if I had no man in my life at all.

Thank you so much, Lucky. I really appreciate your presence here.

[Margali]

Responding with "how about now?" works. I'm sorry it didn't dawn on me sooner, but I didn't want him to feel I was doing the pressure-only want you for sex-thing. Tone of voice matters. Hot, funny, whatever. Just not like "well, put up or shut up" challenging.

Let me know how it works if you try it.
Jayce

Well, yesterday was my first chance to try it. He said something that indicated he was willing to go for it - sometime that day - and I said, "How about now?" playfully.

He said, not now because he was going to take a nap, but later that day. He had already announced his plan to take a nap, and he usually has a nap on Saturday afternoon, so I don't think this "nap" idea was a response to my "how about now?" I didn't get upset about it, and he had his nap. And we did try later. I'm going to start a new thread about that!

[Bagheera]

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Bagheera:

"Great! He's shown you that he's more open than you may have thought to being approached by you sexually: take advantage of it! Men do absolutely love it when their woman initiates.

However, this does beg the question from me: how well does HE do at romancing and seducing *you* anymore? Has he continued The Chase of boy pursues girl with you (something women generally NEVER tire of), or has he fallen into the common male trap of figuring that now that he's caught the girl, his chasing days are over? BZzzzttt! Wrong answer if that's the case, and a lesson that you may have to teach him, with time."
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What would be some ways I could do this?
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I think that at some point, you're going to have to just tell him (in a nice, non critical way) that courting behavior --> pursuit, romancing, seduction, are VERY important toward making you feel desired, cherished, loved, and in response, amorous and desirous of being with HIM sexually. You'll need to explain that women never tire of "the chase" (just point out to him the rows and rows of Romance novels at the local store, and the women of ALL ages who read them), and that part of keeping the romance and passion **alive** in a marriage is to never consider "the chase" done. Tell him (tongue-in-cheek) that he needs to practice the catch-and-release style of fishing when it comes to seducing you: chase you, catch you, ravish you, and then release you in order to chase again. It's a never-ending adult game.

I personally learned this lesson when I read John Gray's stuff (Mars/Venus books), followed by David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage, and then confirmed it with my own wife in actual practice. If he responds well to constructive reading suggestions, that's another avenue for you.

-- B.