Hey Hope!! Let me know where you find that guy in his 30s with no kids and no tatoos! LOL I haven't seen many. Again, I know the anger is hard. Just breathe.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
I am sorry that you are so hurt. Listen, it doesnt matter about MLC or WAH or masks or anything else right now. What matters to us is you.
I can promise you this, you will not be able to erase your h from your life by taking down his photos and erasing him off facebook.
You have to look at this when you are calm. You may still feel like you are done with him or you will begin to realize that there were two of you in this marriage and that you had things that you did that you need to own.
And unless you do that, you will not be able to move forward in this relationship or any other.
I have said this many times on this board. This is a journey each of us were meant to take. I believe that with all my heart.
You need to look inside youself and then you can decide what you need to do.
Take a couple of days to think things through. You have nothing to lose. If, in a few days, you still feel you are done, then you can do what you have to.
But do not make a decision as big as this out of anger or hurt. You will only be hurting yourself.
We will support you in whatever decision you make. I promise you that. But make it with a calm mind and an open heart. You will be glad you did.
Hi Hopeful! I really am so sorry you`re going through all this hurt with MC session.
I`ve been in that really angry "F U, H" place you are now. But you know what, I realised(eventually) that I was angry with the wrong person. You MIL has a lot to answer for! I`m not saying she wanted your M done but I`m reckoning she has messed up your H so much he has a huge block when it comes to unpeeling all those masks and knowing who the heck he is. It`s very common for ppl with difficult childhoods to hit a crisis in later life(call it MLC/WAH label doesn`t matter) but your H doesn`t know what end of him is up. MC maybe-maybe-peeled off one layer and drew him to certain conclusions re you. He really needed to Look Inside like the card said.
Looking Inside takes time. Looking Inside means you`ve be as patient as all hell. Take the blow outs (whatever way your H expresses them) and stay calm.
You don`t have to D right now. You don`t have to S right now either. Take your time. Think about what you really really want.
You`re always going to have to deal with your H. You`ll want those dealings to be as pleasant as possible. You`ll want your kids to see two adults engaging calmly over their welfare. You won`t be abel to do that from a war footing.
You`ll want to have another R yourself, if you`re ditching this one. You`ll want to know your part in this M crazy dance. You`ll want to learn to be strong so you`ll never be spun around like this again. You`ll learn all those things the longer you sit and watch and stay calm.
You`ll want to hug and bless and mind YOU right now. You`ll want to hug and bless and mind your children. You`re in the middle of the tornado. There`s all kinds of debris flying about. they don`t mean for you to be the target. Up to YOU to keep your head down, huddle and mind yourself and the kids.
When the storm calms and you come up for air you might find you can go on with M for another while.
Don`t do anything rash or in anger. It`ll only bite you back. Your H is a victim too. Not of you. But of your MIL.He`s just lashing at you cos he doesn`t know what`s going on in his head and you know him better than anyone else in the world.
BTW, I`m only a learner in all of this. Working on my bacherlor`s degree(oh, the irony of it!) hopin not to have to stick around and do a masters.... This college has a great reputation but its a damn tough course!
Thanks for the posts. I am already moving forward & deleting H from my life...just as he has done w/me. First step was going onto facebook & deleting his existence, including all of his friends that became mine over the years, next I will remove all photos. Once that has been completed, I will head up to bed & lock him out of the BR. Tomorrow I will discuss the timeframe in which he must remove himself from my house. I think 2 weeks is acceptable.
Hope, I'm sorry that you have to feel this anger....and have to go through this.....
But, as you being a good friend, I can't let you quit this just yet....
He said a seperation, not forever.
Sometimes that distance gives one the direction that they need to move forward with themselves. It will also give YOU a chance to live for you again. Don't look at this as a BAD thing right now.
This will give YOU a chance to deal with your stuff right now, and give you a chance to detach and become Hope again.
Wait a couple days BEFORE you make your choice, let yourself feel all of the emotion, and let the anger wear down before you decide.
Two weeks ? please, please,please
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR......Ask Trapt about that...
IF you were making this decision with a clear mind and without anger, I would have NO problem supporting you..However, you are you are neither....
Let this rest for a few....
Believe how much of what they say ?
His actions will more than likely NOT match his words....
Originally Posted By: Hopeful in VA
Everyone said I would know when I was done. I know.
Yes, cause everyone else is living your life....
Truth is, YOU are just as confused as him with all of this anger you have.....
Please slow down Hope....
I'm here if you need.....
Along with some pretty good people....
Let God work on him.....and let Hope work on Hope....
Just caught up, had a crazy day yesterday. I am truly sorry that you are feeling this way. But everyone else is right. You are hurt and angry right now. You were just hit with another bomb and are acting from a defensive standpoint. When you are angry, it is easy to feel done. When you calm and that anger passes, it isn't always as easy as you thought.
Years ago, when my H had his unfinished crisis, I did get to done. I can tell you, there is no anger, there is no frustration, no I'll show him thoughts. There is no erasing him from your life. Done feels calm, maybe a little sad, but with it comes well wishes for the others happiness, wishes for your own, a desire for you both to have the best R with each other and your children as you can, and a sense of peace that everything will be ok. And gratefulness for what you shared. At least that is how it was for me. God blessed me and my M was salvaged for a time. If the crisis had completed, if we had done the work, maybe we wouldn't be here now but immaturity has a way of making you think there is no work to do. That is why, this time, I am insistent that I am certain we have both done the work this time.
If you need to have the reminders of him gone right now, that is ok. I took down most of the wedding stuff. Left up the family pictures because we are still a family. Eventually, I put up new pictures to replace the wedding stuff and they include H. I read a book last year, the Surrendered Wife. Sounds scary. It isn't, unless we have control issues. But it was an eye opener for me and the beginning of my journey. I heard about a new one last night that also want to read. Mars and Venus Collide I believe is the name. It is supposed to explain male/female interaction from a more biological perspective.
MLC, Wah, Bipolar, the title doesn't really matter that much. Your H has mommy and control issues. That much is obvious and from what you wrote about MIL, I can't imagine anyone who would NOT have issues. You even wrote about how she has affected you and you have not grown up with her. Yes, H has finally said, ok something is not right and I need to fix it. Unfortunately, he has chosen you, not his job, not his family, to place the blame. I won't say there weren't issues in the M. Probably were, no M is perfect, but it runs deeper and it takes time for them to see it. In our sitch, it was all our M. Well guess what, H got his "separation" by going in the other room. Two months later, I was calmer and he was not feeling any different. Almost a year down the line, I am way better, sleeping like a baby, and he is up and down all night. He paces the porch. He can't make a decision beyond a few hours unless you force him to. So is he feeling any better? No. Has he looked at his real issues or does he still think it is all the M? Not sure. He is thinking. But if I had cut and run out of hurt, I would not be able to see it. Please take your time in whatever you are doing. It will only serve to make you stronger and really sure that you have done what is right for you.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Ok so maybe I was misleading in my previous posts. He wasn't just discussing separation, he was discussing D & how to handle that. I just feel like what is the point? I would probably feel differently if he just wanted to separate & spend some time in another room or on his own...I just feel like I have already wasted a year of my life w/this crap. I don't want to play all nicey nice while going thru D.
I have already worked on me. Part of working on me is realizing that I will never be done working on me. I do feel at this point that I could walk away, look at myself in the mirror & know that I did everything I could to save the marriage. I could thank him for what has happened. Do I want to be with someone who claims they were "acting" their way through the marriage? No - yes he finally grew some balls to say something about it, but no, they weren't big enough to work on the M for him. He's the one who's thrown in the towel.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Hope- I could repackage what everybody else is saying using my words, but there's no point in that. You're smart enough to see the pattern in the advice you're being given.
Bottom line- you can't un-ring the bell. Take the time to think before you ring it.
Your anger and frustration are valid. But they are also detrimental when unchecked.
If you let your passions prevail, how is what you are doing any different from what your H is doing? You are bigger than this, Hope.
You can't un-ring the bell. You have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain in waiting.
Please don't take offense when I say that your journey has just started. And when I say "your" journey, I mean the journey of YOU.
I will not candy-coat this for you. Standing is hard work. BUT you get SO much in return.
And the prospect of a restored M is only one of the perks!
Give this time. Lots of it. The rewards are indescribable, and worth the journey.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
Ok so maybe I was misleading in my previous posts. He wasn't just discussing separation, he was discussing D & how to handle that. I just feel like what is the point? I would probably feel differently if he just wanted to separate & spend some time in another room or on his own...
Even IF your H were to carry through with a D, this changes nothing. Some people can only appreciate what they had after the fact. This may not be YOUR way, but it could be his. And since his journey is his, he has to find his own way.
My W is pursuing a D as we speak. No, I am NOT thrilled about it, but it is not my decision. What IS my decision, however, is that I choose to let her do what she feels she needs to do, because I know that, whatever happens, I will be OK.
If she comes back, I will be better off because she and I will both be better stronger people, and we will have a deeper R because she will be better able to participate from her new found strength in herself.
If she doesn't come back, then I am also better off because I have done the work on me, and I know that I am not "wasting" the rest of my life on someone who can neither fulfill my needs or appreciate what I have to offer.
A win-win any way you slice it.
Originally Posted By: Hopeful in VA
I just feel like I have already wasted a year of my life w/this crap. I don't want to play all nicey nice while going thru D.
Please define what you mean by "wasted a year of my life".
If you are fooling yourself into thinking that you're working on yourself, when in actuality you're really just sitting around and marking time waiting for him to change while you make him your exclusive focus....then yes....you've wasted a year of your life. And you have no one to be angry at other than yourself.
Playing "nicey nice" is humbling. It can seem degrading.
It may also be the memory that lingers in his head long after the two of you are "over"....the memory that makes him remember just how good the two of you were when you were together.
The memory that helps to draw him back to you when the time is right....
Originally Posted By: Hopeful in VA
I have already worked on me. Part of working on me is realizing that I will never be done working on me. I do feel at this point that I could walk away, look at myself in the mirror & know that I did everything I could to save the marriage.
Good for you! No regrets is a good thing.
Originally Posted By: Hopeful in VA
I could thank him for what has happened. Do I want to be with someone who claims they were "acting" their way through the marriage? No - yes he finally grew some balls to say something about it, but no, they weren't big enough to work on the M for him. He's the one who's thrown in the towel.
...so what happens when, some years down the line, despite the fact that it's not on YOUR schedule (because it's his journey), he realizes he's been lying to everyone including himself, that he actually now KNOWS what he wants, that what he wants IS you, and that he's finally got all his $#!+ straightened out and can be there not only for himself, but for you, and actually wants to WORK on a relationship?
Too little too late, I guess. Too bad he didn't figure it all out sooner....and fit it into YOUR schedule.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR......Ask Trapt about that...
Hope, I didn't file, but I did as Jimbo puts it, ring the bell out of pure anger, frustration, and confusion.(I didn't have a grasp on what was truly happening yet)
You can't un-ring it, just be certain you examine all aspects of this. If I could change one thing in life, it would be just that.
