Sandi2, Coach, Puppy and Gucci help!

[The Wifey]

How would you deal with the nasty legal phrases that she throws at me, when she does not get her way?

I get really flustered and want to pull out the heavy artillery. But haven't. It feels like I just want to quit and just file myself somedays, like my love for her is fading away.

Absolute dead silence. Stare at her, don't say a word. No reaction. None even if you have to pinch yourself with your hand behind your back.

[The Wifey]

I agreed to let the W stay at our home with the kids in hopes that she would get closer with them and soften to the idea of being around here. Last night she stayed till 1am when she left for work. She hung out with D 6, chatted with the older kids. She did not prepare anything for dinner for the older two and just gave D 6 a bowl of cerial. No big deal here?

No. Very. Big. Deal. Giving D6 a bowl of cereal? Older kids could handle it.

My problem is that I feel like the W is disrespecting me when she goes on line at our home. Example D 14 deleted some mp3 and photos, she asked me if I could recover them today. I down load a program and get the photos for her, along with some photos of men from e harmony last night when the W was on that computer.

I feel like confronting her, but know it will turn ugly.

Change the security on the computer and she does not have internet access. Do not confront her, but tell her you recovered the pictures she wanted recovered and you found the e-harmony stuff. No matter what is going to happen in the future, I will not be disrespected in my own home.

Let her rant and rave - silence and calmly repeat yourself if necessary. (No judge would order you to give her internet access for her to look for other men.)

This just keeps pushing me to the point to end this drama and all her BS. I feel like filing just so I can gain some hard core boundries and reset my compass.

Only you can decide when you are done.

The W 50/50 threats to me are just that a threat. She does not want to discuss a visitation schedule which works for each of us, and just wants to keep coming over here and doing as she pleases.

Its funny that she can threaten. Does she really think abandoning the home, you and the children gives her a legal leg to stand on?

Explain one more time, calmly, very calmly, about your need for structure. If she will not respect your boundaries then it may be time to change the locks. She only need ask for anything that belongs to her.

I'm having a DIFFICULT TIME FOCUSING on all aspects of my life. Which is not healthy for myself or the kids.

I just got off the phone W wife and the D is on. Wants to set up mediation.

Oh she does, does she? Is she going to pay for it or is she expecting you to pay for it? She can't play nice so she thinks getting a playground monitor will set things her way?

It might be worth mediation so she can be told that legally, things are not going to be fast, cheap or easy.

Oh, one more thing, mediation will not necessarily save you money. Mediators work between you, but then you also each need your own lawyers. No one lawyer can represent both of you. If money is an issue for her - this isn't her easy out.

[The Wifey]

Before they left, the W and I talked about a D, ( logistics neither one of can afford attorneys this would leave nothing in the end, option include mediation or just sitting down to figure it out like two adults). I let her know that her legal threats won't work anymore with me. I'm not the one who asked for this sitch, her main grip is always about her money. She claim that she is broke and can't afford to do anything, no food for herself, none to do anything with the kids. She said that her sister has sent her money. I said that I'm in no way responsible for her financial situation, I'm taking care of everything as usual. She said that I was living in luxury.I should at least pay for her to have cable. She has only demanded a $1000. a month back in April. Again I let her know that the door is open for her to return.

All good, you let her vent and responded appropriately.

She feels that I would try and screw her out of whats she deserves in a divorce. This is the first time the actual D discussion has taken place. She spewed a lot of BS. I told her again I was through with all her threats, and did not appreciate her accusing me of keep the children busy so she could not visit them. If she wanted to know what was going on she just need to ask.

They always assume you are going to try and screw them, but don't take any responsibility. Total Script.

After all her drama she calmed downed. She was in the car with D 6 ready to leave. None the before mentioned took place in front of the kids. I was suprised that she told me that this past year she had felt as though everyone wanted something from her especially her mom. She is glad that her mom was now in an asisted care home. She just feels like she needs to acomplish something on her own. I told her I understand how you feel, but we are your family and that were her for you to accomplish what ever she needs to. She told me that I have been there for her and the kids and that she never wanted to hurt me or the children. Also your doing a great job. I said that it did hurt because I don't know if she's dead or alive when she out there and that we all shared her pain. I told her we could put the past behind us and forge forward one day at a time.

No wonder she balled her eyes out. You did great validating and reminding her of the family she is choosing to leave.

She replied that she hasn't hit the wall were she would realized that she had it all and threw it all away, and it's to late...............

And she will hit a wall. Part of the hesitation to reconciliation is burnt bridges that they know they caused.

She balling her eyes out so I take her in my arms and hold her for at least five minutes..........They leave.

I'm so confused !!!!

You held and comforted here. She will not forget that.

I know you are confused, but so is she.

You done good.

[ShockedOne]

Listen to WIfey! She has it nailed down to a tee. The script is dead nuts to what I have been hearing for 2 months myself. This is frustrating, but can be worked through, the only question is whether the WAS comes around before us LBS's move on with our lives!

[ShockedOne]

Brave, just wanted to check in and see how things are going for ya. Hadn't seen you on in a few days and hope youre doing okay.

[Bravehardt]

Wifey

Thanks again for breaking everything down. I've been away from the board for a couple of days just trying toget back on level ground.

Here is what has happened since my last post on Friday.

The W dropped D 6 off Saturday around 10am and came in for a while, she was in a very nice mood. D 6 was on Cloud 9 after spending a couple of nights with her mom. Sounds like they had a great time together. It was good for both of them.

So after all the fuss a few days ago my W tells me what her schedule is for this coming week! I was kind of surprised to say the least. So I played it cool and said I would firm up the days that will work out tommorrow. Note: None of the days really help me out, but I'll make some adjustments for the kids.

Saturday night the W left D 6 a message on our homes answering machine. This is a first, she describes how she will miss her tonight and please call when she heres the message. D 6 did not here it till about noon today, she spent the night at my sisters (so I could get out and GAL).

After picking D 6 up from my sisters, D 6 seemed very sad. I ask what was wrong she said she did not know. So I said what would make you the happiest little girl in the world right now (not including a new pet or toy) and she replied If my momma came back home to live with us. Yes that would be very nice you should tell her that sometime.

D 6 listened to the message from her mom, then returned the W call soon after, only to get her voice mail, she just said Momma I want you to come back home and hung up.

The W returned her call a couple of hours later, they chated for awhile and then D 6 hand me the phone. The W wanted to know if she could come by for awhile and see the kids around 4pm today. I said sure, everyone was here except D 14, she was at a friends place.

The wife then proceeded to say that she enjoyed our conversation on Friday, I agreed with her.

She then went on to say that on some days she felt very welcome by the kids and myself and other days she did not feel welcome. I replied to her that we feel the same way, we don't
here from you for several days at a time and then you just call or show up and act like no big deal. I explained that she has no idea of the emotional roller coaster ride that trouble our children. D 6 has'nt been able to put a finger directly on it but that deep down she knows what make her feel this way. D 14 and S 17 have probabbly formulated their own opinons already. And I can tell by their attitudes and for S 17 the worst report card he has ever had. I also stated that sometimes I might chanel the pain I feel into anger towards her because I don't understand her.

She mentioned that last week I did not care if we divorced any more and that seem to bother her. I said to her since this has started you have accused me of all kinds of things, and used a legal like tone when ever you please. This makes me put the armor on and become combative which we have never done in the past, we've always come up with a solution, which she agreed.

I told her that she is the one that has talked in terms of 50/50 for a while now, but has never stuck to any of the proposed options, which I felt was not fair. I told her that she is out their doing what every she pleases and know that her children are under the best care in the world. But for myself I have not been able to have much time to myself. That she has created this sitch where I don't have the luxury of knowing the children are with their mother who has given the the most exeptional care in the world, but in somebody else's care. I explained that I did not even feel like she wanted to coparent with me. She said that she has been, just acouple of instances were mentioned where D 14 and S 17 tried to play both side and she backed me up on. I told her I was grateful for that.

I went on to let her know that I wanted to know what she is feeling deep inside. That she hasn't revealed very much to myself, so that I could try and understand. She said that she felt that we never had that type of connection. I let her know that we did and I've always wanted more of this in my relationship with her. I also mentioned that I understood that maybe she got that kind of support from friends.

She went on to say that she had felt that our life together felt like it was going no where, what would it be like 10, 20, 40, years from know when were 80.

I did not get to touch on that thought she said she wasn't feeling good since yesterday, even missed work. I asked if there was anything I could do for her and she said no.

She decided that she would not come over and risk giving everyone else her cold.

So she'll come by tommorrow instead.

So she seems to be revealing just a little more info, a nice easy conversation, time will tell, a good end to a great weekend.

[Bravehardt]

Shock

Good morning,

I was away from this board for a couple of nights. If you read my post to wifey you can se whats happened with my sitch for the past couple of days.

I've been doing good. when I start to dwell on my sitch I've been hitting the weight bench or doing some push ups, it really incredible how a simple rush from the work out seems to bring some clarity.

D 14 and I meet a friend and his kids for dinner and went back to their home Friday evening, It felt good to get out.

Last night put on some new threads and the Hai Karate (the real expensive smelly stuff). I went to a club in town. Went dancing and had a couple of drinks. I had a great time!!!

Now for the big question.........
I ran into someone I've been met before through friends. We danced, laughed, and had a really nice evening. I know I have a door that has'nt closed, but should I feel strange for having this person boost myself esteem about 300%?

Friday the W was all about the D...and deep down, maybe I don't care about what is or what could be with the W anymore.

Proceed with caution.

[Bravehardt]

Shocked

the only question is whether the WAS comes around before us LBS's move on with our lives!

This has been on my mind for the past 2 weeks.

Is it the thought that a W can go out and test the waters, find OM, become WAW and have no regards as to what the LBS feels deep down (total betrayal). The WAW spouse shows no remorse and continues with their shanigans.

But in the same sense of fairness, let say x amount of time has gone by and the LBS heart has harden and WAW has not moved closer to LBS. The LBS is at the point where closure is needed.

He needs to feel those same words of affirmation and desires someone that would treat him with the same respect, love and addmiration that WAW is recieving from OM.

What if the LBS were testing the waters in the same fashion as WAW?

And with the laws of attraction being what they are and god works in mysterious ways, someone presents themself to LBS that fits into his world and fills his core needs and he fills hers.

How would WAW feel?

How would WAW react?

Would it turn the sitch in a new direction?

Does LBS care anymore?

Does any of it really matter?

[ShockedOne]

Sounds like you had a great weekend. Congrats. My only advice on seeing someone else, and it can vary state by state, is that you don't want to give her any ammo to fire at you during proceedings. Let her have her boyfriend, or whatever she has, but don't give her the same ammo to use on you that you have on her. I absolutely don't disagree with going out, seeing people, but try to keep any one certain person away from W finding out. Just my 2 cents.

[Bravehardt]

ANYONE

I'm having a rough afternoon.

Quick up date.

Sunday the W called in good mood, said she liked the talk we had Friday, please read above post for more details.

Monday W was suppose to see kid after work at 1pm, She never came by I had all of them home and was out working. She calls around 9pm and says that she didn't recall saying she'd come over(she sound terrible, she has a cold). We talked and she end up getting mad because I ask her to give me a bit more info on something she just said. Needless to say I was anaylizing her. She did remember our conversation from the night before, when I said Tuesday did not work out on our schedule for her to come by. She pressed on saying that she would come by anyways do I have a problem with this. I replied why do you need to hang out over here? You have a place of your own. she replied I have a room. Me thats your choice. Her I still have things there of mine. Me Wednesday is still good for us. She's aggitated and hung up.

So on Tuesday I sent here this text.

Good Morning. I hope your feeling better today.
I would like to thank you for talking with me last night.Please understand that when we communicate with each other we are talking about personal feeling that we have not shared with each other in a long time. A certain amount of frustration is to be expected from each of us.If you reveal something to me in anger it's ok. So much has been held in, just let it out.You won't ever be judged by me. we might not agree on everything but thats just a difference of our opinions.Our lives were on autopilot in regards to each of our perceived responsibilities to our family and work. As changes occured we never sat down and disscussed what we needed to do to help each other out. There are so many little tweeks we could implement to come to a new understanding with each other. We just need to here each other out and understand how the other feels. No ones right or wrong. Please meet me halfway.

No calls or text from W rest of the day.

Today the W start texting and calling around 10am and 12pm(whats going on don;t you want me to come over?). I don't respond till around 1pm. I simply reply come over.

D 6 and I are out shopping for items we need for our trip on Sunday. We arrive home around 2pm the W is there. D 6 start telling her about the trip were going to go on and all the new things we purchased. I say hello, W says hi. I say you look tired, she say the cold has drained her.

I go in my office and leave the two of them alone. I come out after making several calls, and ask W how long she'll be staying because I could take care of a couple of things. She ask me what time i'd be back. Around 6pm, she says she needs to get some sleep because she works at 2am and she had talk to D 14 about picking here up after band practice(never telling me that she would or would not pick here up, Iwas expect D 14 to call after 4pm for a ride).

The conversation turns into W asking so are you going to place x next week? Me -Yes we are. W asking what hotel are you staying at? Me- I believe hotel x (I did not make the reservation so I was told that hotel x was the most likely place we'd stay). W ask so is the room in your name? Me No I did not make the reservation. W so you'll get me the hotel and room # in case of emergengy. Me you have my cell# and text ability. W well you claim you don't get my text lately, did you get the one yesterday? Me -No.

W you set something up on you phone to only get certain ones then. Me- So then what time are we exchanging cars Saturday, were leaving early. W- I texted you a couple weeks ago that I was advised not to do this since I have no garantee that I'll get it back. But if you go down with me to AAA and quick claim it to me then it will be all right. (this stems from the irs situation back in February where I had to get rid of a boat and rv to settle with them, the W recently has told me she got screwed in that deal, she new exactly was we had to do).

So at this point she decides to change gears in front of D 6 and start in with if I can afford this trip I can afford to pay her. I let her know that this is not the time or place for this conversation. Me- again what time saturday will we exchange cars, she now retorts that she needs it Saturday night. W - says so why aren't you riding with others since the room is not in your name. Me because we agreed to swap cars three weeks ago. W -is it in writing. WTF(in my head). W gets flustered and decides to leave.

D 6 and I follows her out, she says she like to talk to me outside. So I go out. She then proceeds to go back to the seperation topic from last week. So she can lock in some financial support quickly. I need the tax returns and if you don;t give them to me I'll get them from our preparer, have fun with that I reply. I then respond by saying that this is not what I want and she need to own the sitch. Me-why waste the money on a seperation let get it over with. Her it will take a year and you won't have to pay me anything for that amount of time. Me- we could sit down like adults and figure this out uncontested and fast track it. W-For 400.00 a month I'm not getting screwed. I could totally screw you out of everything. M- if there is any equity left after the laywers, the equity in here is for the kids future. W- for mine and the kids future.

So she get in the car and I say to her what time are we exchange vehicles on Saturday. W- I let you know what works into my schudule, why do you need this big vehicle for 2 people, to tow the boat. Me -I'm not taking a boat, you seem pissed off that D 6 and I are taking off for a few days. W- no I'm not,last week you talk about giving me $400. a month and I said I'd take it right now. But you said you don't have it. Me I said that based on the formula use by an attorney it was some where around $400. W- if you would have given me some money when this started we might not be in the position now. Me -so the fact that your standard of living has declined as well as the families justifies you demanding financial asistance from me. I did not ask for this sitch see ya I'm DONE.

She drove off in a huff, she came over to hang out with D 6 and it lasted for 30 minutes.

The W ended up picking up D 14 from band practice(niether one call me for a heads up). D 14 came in and said that mom wanted to talk to me.

So I went out to see her. She said well I think I know why you don't get most of my text. Your only programed in my phone under ICE. When I punch in your name I guess it goes no where(she had this phone for a year). I just looked at her and said oh. Closed the door and walked away, she says I'll see you later.

Boy I feel good getting this of my chest.

Anyone can chime in Thanks for listening.




Wow her memory only serves her in